Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Closing

This is my last Blog of 2008 and so i thought i would reminise:

My spelling is no better than it was 5 years ago but my writing skills have improved dramaticlly [i like to think].
I have learned A LOT . . . i've probably learned more this year than i have EVER learned.
Nearly every friend i have, i made this year. . . and the number of people from H.S. that i am still friends with can be counted on one hand.
I had my heart broken, but i learned from it.
the rough outline of my book, the rules to dating, is finally done
I gave up powerlifting, just kind of grew out of it, but now i'm planning on getting back into it seriously.
I quite first real job, at a child care center/preschool
I love my lifeguarding job at the local college.
My first real room mate bailed on me and left me with some random guy in her stead.
I bought my first vehicle: a motorcycle
then i got my license to drive it.
Rugby, i discovered, is awesome.
and i really like my first college b/f who is, right now, home in NJ for break.

Now i'm just going with the flow. What ever life brings me is totally awesome - that's the life i've taken up this year

As for 2009 new years resolutions: I'm going to save those for the first blog of 2009

Ryan Jones

Sry the quality of this video is so bad. but Ryan Jones, and the rest of LoCashCowboys will be playing on Fox News Plaza tonight starting at 10 ET to bring in the new year.


The world gives us so many rules and laws, each culture has even more than that to bind us down. How many times have i heard "oh if he did that than he must not be a christian" or "No one who really loved god would do that" but who are we to judge? Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Especially outside of christianity - My mother thinks she can tell a non christian that they are sinning by participating in homosexuality or adultry or abortions. But how could i ever force the laws of my bible on to someone who does not believe that book? If i am an American in the United States of America, than would a Roman be able to come to my home and persicute me for not following the laws of theirs? No, I am an American in my own country and therefor the laws of another's nation do not bind me. So why would the laws of my beliefs bind anyone from another? I do believe my God and i do worship him. I give praise to him and i believe he is the only true God; but i understand that a buddhist just as passionately believes their word and a hinddue, thiers and a muslim, thiers. Therefore, who am i to force my God on them? I can tell them what i believe but it is their own concience that will save and damn them and i will never take the duty upon myself to damn anyone for i am just as sinful as them and the next.
Once they obsessed over relics and indulgences, today the common christian will confidently say that this is wrong because it is not God that they are trusting. Today, the common christian worries how others will see us and they pick and choose who they will whole heartily love and then judge those who do not choose to live as them; this is just as bad as the sin of the past and yet they are so self rightious of themselves.

But it is not only religions that will attempt to force their laws on another. Every person has their picturesque image of the "right person". Every person with a mohock is seen as rebelious, "Punk." Every person who has rejected color is seen as troubled, "gothic." Every person who downs candy beads and colored nail polish is seen as a druggie and dramatic, "Scene. The "normal" person is to wear clothes like everbody else, jeans and a tee, something blending. With those expectations who has not been judged? Even the "normal" person is judged by those they rejected.

We will never have world peace because we will never. NEVER learn to accept those that are different than ourselves. The day we learn to accept others as ourselves will be the day we truly understand unselfish love.

Luther was a man unlike others. He could see the truth of life. He understood. It's not about laws and it's not about religions. The heart is the only thing that will ever decide our destiny. It is the only thing that will decide our fate. The only right and wrong is love and hate. The only thing we will ever be judged by is our heart. But that said, is it always our heart that drives us and pushes us. Therefor, Love was is right and do what you love. Now if only every person understood that, hate would be of the past and war, only a memory. You can choose to hate and you can choose to judge. In the midst of your judgments remember that your heart is what you yourself will be judged by.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

One day,

I'm gonna get outta here. Not that i dislike where i'm at, but i am ready for more. I want to live out of my comfort zone. I want to see what i've never seen and do what i have never experienced. I want to push myself beyond what i am actually capable of and grow from the fall.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I'm sitting here in my room. Serounded by clothes and junk and hobbies. And in the midst of cleaning and sorting out junk i came across a folder. Dancing unicorns and smiling moons signed my junior high years and covered the tattered file. The papers in side bulged from the edges, letters from best friends and boyfriends and crushes. Some were filled with gossip of the latest couples and weekend plans, others held pursuits from wanna be lovers and boyfriends. One letter was joined by an envelope, yellowed by age and signed by scrawled letters that obviously belong to guy. Another was typed, something that only one boy i know would have done. I found one that was filled with concern for my eating habits and one that spelled out obvious suduction. There was a card with artistic well wishes and one with a happy little lion.
As i looked through the vellums there were so many memories; but through all of them, not a single memory that i would regret or wish to relive. Some held lessons learned and some held feelings that everyone has had but those days are gone and past. The good times and the bad, i have become who i am because of them and now i don't need them to continue on this path. I don't know why i held on to the memories, but now i am letting go. The letters that hold so much of past hold no value to me. Those are letters from people that are no longer in my life, whether we grew apart and fell apart, there is a reason that our lives are no longer crossing. So i will let go. For what ever reason that i held on to these, that reason is past. The memories and joys that are held in these jr high notes are past. and i'm ready to move on. I enjoyed passing the notes from one person to the next across the sea of students and to the shore of a friend. But now i am ready. I have grown my wings and i have become who i am meant to be. I can't hold on to the past, the past of walking, i can't hold on to memories of walking if i ever dream of flying. So here's to

Dr. Horrible

- Seriously amazing. right!

Friday, December 26, 2008


I bought a paintball gun today. . Now it's on.

Brian is a fan of the sport, says he's gonna teach me the tactics. . I can't wait til i take him out [ok, he'll probably be taking me out] . . but either way, i can't wait to go play!

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I just realized that new year's in in a week. . i guess i need to start on my new years reslolutions

Christmas day

The traditional christmas day. I woke up to blueberry pancakes. We opened gifts and now we are all just sitting around laughing.

There are so many things that i want to do now:
Road trip with my new saddle bags.
photo edit with my new brushes and tools
Swim in my new awesome zip up suite..
Practice the violin with the sheet music.

. . But i really just want to see my boyfriend again.

He called me this morning at midnight and it made my day. I may have been sleeping, but i would wake up at any time of night if it meant getting to hear his voice. He seems to be enjoying his break, but i really just can't wait to spend time with him again.

There is so much to do next week after everything opens back up, but right now i am enjoying to wasting time.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


vlogging, glogging, blogging - i don't know what it is, i just like it all .

Gloggster is one of my first fancies and now i'm taken to it again

Bras and panties. the new age

I am a pretty big fan of cute bras, like any girl and matching bras and panties make me feel sexy even though no one is gonna see them but me. When i was younger and lived at home, my mom always bought me white underwear and white bras, sometimes she would go to the edge and let me pick out something pastel pink or pastel blue. . but never anything too exotic. Once, i picked out a pair of lacy granny panties and the first thing she said when i held them up was "oh, no no. . no thongs" As if feeling hot would be a bad thing!

Now i am finally stepping out side of those old rules and throwing away ever last pair of white underwear and nearly all of those "oh so modest" white bras. . . I want to feel hott even if i know i'm not gonna look it.

Once, feminist burned their bras. Today has brought a new era about. Today is an era of embracement. Bras and femitism are no longer signs of weekness but of strength. Beauty is now a sign of power. Once, bras were burned; today, they are embraced - even enhanced.

Ok. so really, i just like them because they make me feel hot. It has nothing to do with the history behind bras or the image others get from them. They make me feel like a super model and they make be feel beautiful.. . And in this bra, who wouldn't feel like a princess.

Monday, December 22, 2008


1 cup all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter, melted
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour and the eggs. Gradually add in the milk and water, stirring to combine. Add the salt and butter; beat until smooth.
Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each crepe. Tilt the pan with a circular motion so that the batter coats the surface evenly.
Cook the crepe for about 2 minutes, until the bottom is light brown. Loosen with a spatula, turn and cook the other side. Serve hot.

La La Land

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wind chime

I've never noticed a wind chime before.
Sure, you see them sometimes and hear the noise. . . most often in the middle of browsing the isles of local shopping centers.
But i don't think i've ever just been sitting somewhere and thought "oh what a beautiful noise that wind chime is making"
Now, it is 12 am and i am laying in bed at my parent's house when i heard the music escaping those medal bars. I can't see it and i don't know what kind of animal or shape is decorating those chimes, but the music is so subtle in the winter breeze. Normally the noise brings back thoughts of summer, but in these chilly days i imagine the ice siccles that will embed the noise through the days to come and apprieciate the slumber the music helps envelope me with

You're a butterfly,

a caterpillar's dream to fly

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


When i was single i knew who liked me and didn't, but it didnt' really matter to me because i didn't mind be single... . I took comfort in being single because i knew that i didn't have to worry about heart ache or complications. No one ever acted on their feelings and so it was just me and my boys and we didn't have any worries. Once in a while someone way below expectations would grow balls but i didn't feel bad saying no because i was happy.
Now i have a boyfriend and all those guys that i knew liked me before seem to be oblivious that i am happy. Some are more subtle with "i met an aswesome girl that almost caused me to rethink not dating" and others are not so subtle like : "So i guess it's too late to ask you on a date then" . . . uh. yeah. duh. Why would they even throw that kind of confusion on me!??
But i am happy. I like my boyfriend. It may have taken a couple moments for me to get used to that, but i do like him. I'm not used to being off the market. . . Normally i can just ignore a guys crushes on me and treat him like i would any guy friend and he would never make any moves and i wouldn't have to worry about him. But now things are different. I have a guy and they know that. . and not only that, but i like him too.

I am not sure what kind of desperate last throw they are making, but their chance of rejection is 100 because they had their chance. . . I have been single for 3.5 years and they never made a move. . their chance is over. Now i am happy - don't mess that up for me.

12 months

The past year has brought so much change.
I guess it's not so much that i've become a different person so much as i have finally started to become who i really always was.

Everything i am, i always was. It was just controlled in that guinni pig ball that those around me told me i had to stay in.
Oh i tried to break loose. I was just as big of a rebel then as i am now. I tried to escape the expectations and normalcies that those around me made.

The past twelve months has built callasus and walls and hard shells that i never knew could exist, but i have learned to fight and persevere. I have experienced so much that i only thought i understood.

Still now. it has all showed me how much i will never understand. . . even about myself.

I have lost friends that i thought would be here for me forever and i have made new friends that i know will leave when the time is right.
Each of these people have helped chip another piece of paint off - uncovering another inch of this masterpiece that has been covered up.

Maybe one day i will be able to sit back and look at myself and know who i really am, but right now i only know that i am God's and that when this mess has all been removed and his creation is allowed to show bright i will be beautiful.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


"Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

old passions

I have one passion that will never fade. The flowers may fade and the grass may whither but the word of our lord will stand forever.

But that is the only one. Every other passion seems so dim, so impossible. I have my share of hobbies that i've taken up. . . Violin, skateboarding, pool, rugby. . . The number of times i've taken up new hobbies is uncountable and the number i've actually excelled in is a high number of 0. I want something that is more than just a hobby. I am tired of just filling time. I want a life, not just a hobby. So many things i've taken up and for what? I push my passion into sports and hobbies but it's not enough. My passion is too big for just an ordinary sport. I was made to change the world and that is the only thing that will ever satisfy me.

Rock Band

The reason that i like him

I like the way he doubles over when he laughs,
the way he pulls me close and holds me tight,
doesn't stereo type me because of those like me,
shares his beliefs even though he knows i disagree,
Kisses my forhead,
touches my skin when i'm asleep,
Is confident in what he wants,
Doesn't push my lines even though i tempt him,
Doesn't understand why i stare at him,
says K. Hi when i say K. bye,
always there, waiting to see me again,
I like the way he is head over heals for me.
The way he doesn't tell me how i could have done things differently, but just listens.
He thinks i'm such a girl and not a masculine butch.
He's not intimidated by me.

But i'm sry. I'm still scared. I'm scared for him. I'm scared that i may break his heart. I'm scared that i'll lead him on.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

My love and my lover

Love is everything that our worlds revolve around. What is your love? What is your greatest passion? Everyone has one, because with out it life will not go on.
The second thing, the thing that keeps our world revolving is having someone to share that with. But what if the other person, your other half, your consort doesn't share your greatest passion.
How can the world revolve and keep revolving? How can your worlds fit together? How can you make the most of what has been given to you? . . . When the one you are with doesn't share your greatest passion, doesn't support it, doesn't strive to better you in that passion? You may be great now, but imagine how you could change the world if your lover and your love were shared together. Imagine the effect you could have when you have the one you love behind you, pushing you on towards your passion.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

love letter to no one

I don't want to go to bed because i don't want you to leave. Stay here with me in the dark. If you dare, hold me close. I want to be in your arms, i want to feel your embrace. As you sit there next to me i want to feel the warmth of your skin.
But i can never tell you any of this. When you ask me why i don't go to bed i let silence be my answer... and i think you know. But you don't say a word, don't pull me close. You know, i wouldn't shrug away if you tried to hug me. I wouldn't reject you if you were to tell me that you liked me.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dream Big

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain sill soon be gone.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on,
But when the troubles come your way.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes,
cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile be sure to smile wide, and
don't let them know that they have one.
And when you laugh be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all
around and in yourself, and it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to
help to carry on when the troubles come your way.

-Ryan Shupe


I don't really understand why i'm so different, but i am. And i know that the reason people take a liking to me is because of this difference. Sometimes it makes life hard, but i think the hard times are worth the final result... what ever that may be. I know that God has made me for something so incredible that i can't comprehend right now, and when times get tough i remember that.. that promise he made to me.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Not just my bike..

My bike just broke. But that's not why my life is falling apart.
My life is falling apart because:
T.P. HATES me.
Hooper is getting married and leaving me behind.
My housing plans are all up in the air [i may soon be moving out].
I'm gonna be jobless is a month.
I don't know what i want to do with my life
My lifting is going to crap

and my bike, which i just spent my entire savings on, broke down on my way to Evansville which i am now not going to; causing me to miss out on seeing my amazing friends that i will not get to see again for a long time because they live really far away.

So you wanna know why my life is getting crappy?
Let's go shoot some pool because there is no one here to give me a big hug and make everything better.

*on the other note, when i posted this on facebook earlier i got a crazy amount of responses.. I never realized exactly how many people actually cared - i just thought they all kind of took me for granet... not actually as a friend. ... It makes me feel a lot better, i know the world will keep turning... with their support i will make it through this.

Friday, November 28, 2008



This is another really cool blogger that i am now wasting my free time watching... And i always love a guy with a guitar.

I really loved working today.

My first day of work really wasn't that bad at all! I really enjoyed today. I was constantly doing something and i got to help people and talk to people. The big catch is call in shifts - i can't do those. I have 4 call in shifts next week - as long as they keep calling me in i will work, but if they start making a habbit of not letting me work i am leaving. I really love this job - i just hope they make use of me.


Wake up, shoppers. It’s time to get over that pumpkin-pie hangover and get going.
That’s right. It’s Black Friday, the day of insanity that kicks off the holiday shopping season. And that means it is time to get serious about gifts. But anyone who has braved Black Friday knows it is about so much more than just a sale. It’s the thrill of shopping in the wee hours. The rush of scoring that coveted product at the lowest price it has been all year. At 9 o clock last night, i drove by best buy to see a line of twenty-something people lined up for nearly a block with tents and lawn chairs. The shopping starts early with some stores opening up as early as 4 am for this big shopping day. For me, i would rather sleep in and while i wasn't do any shopping this morning, the schedule said 6 AM for me and so i was up and ready to do some selling - turns out, they didn't need me until 9 so my first day of work is going to be a few hours later than origionally planned. Which is fine by me, i would rather catch a few more Z's.
After looking at my schedule for next week, however, i know that today will probably not only be my first shift, but my last shift as well. I have 4 on call days next week and not a single garenteed shift. So while others are going to spend the next month shopping for gifts, i'm going to be spending it shopping for jobs. I guess the search is on.
While i now know what i have to do, i still have one shift today. After this gauranteed shift, i have my on call shift, if they tell me that they don't need me i think i will tell them that i'm done and then waddle my way over to Evansville where my dear friends from the LoCashCowboys are playing. ... providing that it's not to cold for be to brave the two hour drive on my motorcycle.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


First day at Aero and maybe the last.

I don't have time to say too much because i have to be up at 5. Tomorrow is my first day of work at Aeropostle and it's black friday - how crappy is that?!?! i think i'm gonna work tomorrow and buy some pants and then quite before my shift on saturday: I really really need to find a job, but i need one that will last through the season and a seasonal job is NOT going to meet my needs so i'm gonna do this and then focus on working as many hours as possible at the rec and finding a good job. I need to print off my resume and then i will really crack down. So that is my plan for this weekend... and if i quite at Aero then i will be able to road trip it to Evansville to see Ryan and Spaz. It just might be a party.

Turkey day

The big Turkey day is here and gone. It wasn't much different than every other year. I ate too much and by the time I was done eating, my food baby looked nearly 3 months along. After lunch we sat around, slept off our Turkey coma, and we all made fun of each other. My food baby was still developing when we started filling our plates again. My friend, Julie, joined us this holiday and brought exitment to the warm home. So now another Thanksgiving is past and i will sleep hard tonight as my food digests.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


I like this word. It's catchy and cool.

I also like the word bloody and bloody nob. They are just so British and, for some reason, in my American mind, classy.

My inspiration:


: i'm gonna start video blogging once in a while, so stay tuned.


Word of Advice: never settle

I want a penguin

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Hello Free bird, wont you be my friend?

I don't have anything to shield myself against anymore. I'm putting my walls down. You can't break my heart, and no one else can either. I've learned and i've lived and the heart ache that i've felt - well i wouldn't give it up for anything because it has filled an entire chapter in my book.

Why would i want to live with a wall around myself? Why would i want to see the world with that kind of view.. unless i was sitting on the wall, but what good would that do - and i would probably end up falling off anyway. So you can shut the world out but i think i'll not.

Maybe ill like him or him or you or that guy, and maybe whoever i end up falling for will break my heart. But i don't care. Go for it - and good luck. Im burning my walls so that i can live free and if the price is pain than oh well. It will be well worth the freedom that i'm about to embrace. Pain is nothing and heartbreak is only pain. So hello free bird, wont you be my friend.

Pressing on

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.

Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.

You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.

-Relient K



laugh out loud

An Amazing prank

Monday, November 24, 2008

I am who i've become

I'm not who i used to be.
I'm different and i don't know how.
I don't know why.

The person i used to be isn't the person i am today.
I am still just as strange,
still just as wierd.
But i'm different.

This is who i am now,
but this is who i am
Just who i am and no one else.

:l <3

There's this boy. Ok. and i think i like him.
I liked him last year, but i didn't really know him.
So here is the story. I'm not going to tell him because if he persuses me i want it to be because he likes me and not because he is just flattered. I want him to like me enough to risk his pride of rejection.

So i know that every guy that reads this will think i'm talking about him - for those of you that this is not about, i'm sorry.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

beautiful body

I guess i can understand why someone would be unhappy with their body, but i don't understand how anyone can feel God's love and still think there is something wrong with them.

He created the universe. How can you see something so breathtaking and think that creator of that could ever follow it with anything less.

Gun season

Ok. This is not an inspired blog or anything exciting. But i would like to make a mental note that i will not forget: This past weekend was gun season : wow, was it cold... coldest season yet. I killed a little buck the first morning and then didn't shoot that night. Saturday we sighted my gun and it was off 6 inches [lucky i killed one] I saw 30 deer On sat and i didn't let loose even one shot; i was a little gun shy that i would miss again. My dad, cousin, and his friend didn't get anything - not one thing! wow. My cousin's friend's name was sunny, he was pretty cool [i lil unintelegint, but still cool] and boy, do i remember why i hate cold whether - it was FREEZING!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

.................. <3

They say you shouldn't ever give up on someone you can't go a day with out thinking about. But every day i think about him, and then remember how he broke my heart.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

: ]

I don't care how you label me.

I don't care what you call me

Just know

That i am happy

just the way i am

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i can't forget

Everybody thinks i'm such a strong person, that's what they tell me. Ha.. if only they knew. If they only knew how hard it is for me to cope with life. I can't. I can't deal with it. I used to be the most reliable person and i cared about everybody, but i look at who i've become and all i can say is that i'm sorry. I'm sorry that i've become everyone else. I can't deal with being bailed on and not being wanted and being unwanted. But that is exacly what i've began to do. I know i'm different and i used to be ok with that but as i get older people are less and less accepting to my differences. There will always be the people who call themselves my friends - but i know that they will never be there when i really need them

I can't stop the hurt, i may never be able to. But i can't let it consume my life. God is my best friend. I have allowed myself to forget that and i have allowed the people around me to influence my life. I have allowed them to mold me. I am a strong girl and i will get over this.
She was my best friend and i screwed her over. .. but i can't let it ruin my life. Shit happens. She had already let go and i just cut the strings. I defently should have dealt with things differently but i didn't and now i have to deal with things the way they are. So i will be out of this lease soon and i am going to move straight to Nashville. I am going to start over from scratch so that i can mold myself from the start up.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

My soul is breathing

I want to capture the notes and put them into colors, take the tones and put them on canvas. This music can not be captured, it is a window of the soul that nothing physical can claim just as art of colors and textures is too majestic for the eyes to coprahend.

I burn in the flames of desire

I stand waiting for the flames of my heart to die out of you. So i can escape in to the world and live free. Free from the torment that captivates me every moment i think of you.

Free from your thoughts.
Free from you.


pop 8

The resonance of a city street during rush hour will fade into background music as the city becomes a home, but even that chours will seem faint to the ruckus that is interupting my day now.

A quite lunch, basking in the joy of my home was my idea, but the infernal notes that rings out out side are not ideal for a melody. The horns that blair, a mix of support and anger, are the effects of a fight, a fight that people describe as peaceful.

The noise is not even the real striking chord that has uprooted my nerves, it is just the cherry on a cake. A cake that i want to pick up and throw in the face of it's maker.
I am all for justice. I endorse fighting for your rights. I would gladly attest to any progress towards fairness. But really? what progress is this demonstration going to generate? Go picket in front of the white house or in front of the guy who made you mad.. cause even if your protest did cause me to change my mind, i can't do anything to make it better.

How many people actually change their opinion based on a march? i'd guess not very many. I have always assumed [and i could be wrong] that people see a protest and either agree and it stirs up emotions of support or disagree and it stirs up emotions of anger. I suppose it could be seen as an encouragement to some, but when i am driving down the road through a march i feel judged, as if they are condemning me for disagreeing. When i do agree with their fight i feel wronged, as if they are trying to force our opinions on others [which i am 100% against].

I believe people should fight for what they believe in. I don't mind people disagreeing with me. The people outside picketing right now - i disagree with them, and thats fine. I don't have a single problem with them fighting for their beliefs, but i do have a problem with them standing out there, in my front yard [which, yes, it is a public sidewalk... but still my front yard] and trying to force their beliefs on people passing by. If they want to change what has happened then they should go to the people who have some effect on the events, not to the commoners driving to work or home or to the groccery store because, for me, they have done nothing but push me away from their cause with their clamorous protest.

*Just a disclaimer: I have no problem with their cause, while i do disagree i will not argue with them; it is their actions that hit a note wrong

Friday, November 14, 2008


take me somewhere we can be alone I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run you'll be the prince and i'll be the princess it's a love story baby just say yes. [♥]

an Angel's light

No more dreaming, please!

I woke up today knowing that today is just another yesterday. When will the day come that tomorrow becomes today and not just another dream.

Don't try and flatter me with your worlds.

They mean nothing to me.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

My friends are getting married

... toilet paper is in a serious relationship with a boy that i'm pretty sure she'll marry. Emily's getting married, hooper is talking about it and we all now they're together forever. I am the last one standing and now i'm ready. I just don't know how to go about finding a husband when i am so obviously different than the rest of the world.

The notes of my heart

I can't even contain my emotions. There is so much that i have been made to do.
The music only amplifies it. Even on the worst day of my life, the music can make the joy of life explode within. It can make the joy i ache for tear through my heart and it can make the ambitions that i was born for soar through the sky.
It is part of my heartbeat. Part of my soul.
The thing that hurts the most is that I can feel the notes coursing through my viens - they are part of me and yet i can't talk, i can't get them out.. I don't know how to put it into anything else than my own breaths.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

I've got a fat lip!

it's huge! Its because of my new ring - but it should heal up pretty fast. I think i''m gonna look at getting an eyebrow retainer for it because the lip retainer isn't big enough.

I will die without something more.

There has got to be more to life than just this. Wake up, go to sleep. wake up, go to sleep. I can't do this. I need something more. I need excitement. I need adventure. I need to wake up knowing that i could die but right now i feel invensible. How could i die when i do anything worth dieing for. I need a thrill.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

anyone else but you

her: You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend

him: I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

him: I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

her: Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

him: The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

hera: I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

her: Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

him: You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

her: We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

him: Don Quixote was a steel driving man. My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

her: Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Lo cash violinist

Last night the i got to see Ryan - even more exciting than that: i got to meet his girl! She totally showed up to surprise him and so i got to hang out with her all night while he played, and she turned out to be totally awesome!
I also actually met the merch guy, spaz, and he turned out to be pretty darn amazing too. I am pretty sure that he has a crush on me. lol. ... oh boy, another fan of mine. Haha! i just don't know what to do about all these boys.
So after the show Steve showed up and i told Essay, Ryan's girl, about steve's akwardness and how he tried to date me and somehow they managed to ditch him - which i was impressed by cause he deffintly can't take hints - but it ended up being a blast cause when we went out to stake n shake [the real one] it was Ryan, essay, Spaz, and me and it really did end up being a lot of fun.
A list of movies they are going to make me addicted to : Dr. who, Dr. horibble, and one other that i forgot.
When i move, another option is Nashville - that would be fun too!
So now it is 740 and i still haven't gotten to sleep a lick and i have to teach swim lessons at 9 so i am gonna take a quick nap and pray that i wake up!! i am so tired. blah. k.night....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i'm not the only crazy fool

look at einstein or Martin luther, moses or noah. They were seen as wahck jobs. People laughed at them and critisized them. They sould have been put in an institution because of their non-conventional ways.. Now we see them and what they did and they were guinuses! Its funny how the most remarkable people have been outcasted and alienated. I want to change the world and people tell me it's silly - Noah was silly, he built an arc for a world wide flood. I want to change the world and people tell me it's not possible - moses parted the red sea. I want to change the world and people tell me i'm not accomplished enough - einstein never graduated high school. I want to change the world and people tell me i'm a college girl - Martin luther was black. I want to change the world. I want to change the world. Don't write down my name, it wount matter. But remember my passion and my love because that what will push me, that is what will drive me. I want to change the world. I will change the world. Don't forget that girl, who wouldn't listen to the rest of the world and changed the world

Sunday, October 26, 2008


I am taking a class titled "Diversity in America" My Gramps told me that Diversity is a bad thing because it only causes trouble - apparently when he was young there was no diversity and life was less complicated.
It makes me laugh. Of course Diversity is going to bring chaos - Diversity is the equivelant of differences or a range of differences and anytime there is differences there will be chaos. No one wants to be told they are wrong but they don't mind telling others when they dissagree. when you bring two people of different cultures you are garenteed to see that happen: everybody thinks everybody else is wrong. People are too close minded to understand that others think differently and that difference is not bad. When there is no diversity things are simple: If all you have in a room is WASP, men with same beliefs, and there will be nothing but tranquility. But with that placid atmosphere there will be no progress forward. If one is not pushed to think outside their box of familiarairity then they will never see the potiential this world holds achievable. With diversity we are forced to look at things in a light that wouldn't noramlly think of. We are forced to consider theories that we wouldn't ordinarilly even consider, ideas that woudn't otherwise ever cross our mind.
Yes, diversity causes problems, but are those problems all bad? Do they not push us forward and force us to go higher than we normally would? They allow us to see colors that we didn't know existed and hear tones that we couldn't have created on our own. The give us possiblities to change a world that we didn't know was there. Ignorance is bliss, Now we are forced to decide. Is that bliss worth the the things we could achieve?

funny thing - being a blogger

it's a funny thing. I'm a blogger.. i'm sure you've notice that i like to write. I write about every thing. The hues of fall float aimlessly through the autmum air. The touch of his skin brought sensations of lust running through my viens. warmth filled my lungs as the cold liqure slid effortlessly down my throat. I could feel the fibers of muscle ripping as i strained to lift it that last inch. ... I absolutely LOVE writing. I especially love writing about people. Its funny how people can live without a thought as to what life they are leading. It's funny how so many people take for granet the diversity that fills our world. I'm amazed that he would have no clue what ache he's caused.... My blog has been filled with pages of thoughts and observations and descriptions and occasionally i will post one to facebook out of pure inspiration. But when people read those i can see just how the effects of my life speed through this world. Every note i write that mentions any person and every person that i have met will allow their imagination to roam and assume that it is them my note speaks of . . . but don't let your panties get too twisted over any note of mine that you've ever assumed was about you because the chances that i've actually wrote a blog about you is about one in a million. Half the people i've written about were random strangers i passed in the store or a character in a movie, and if it was a real heartfelt and heartbroken note than ill let you know that there is really only one boy i have written about... sure i've mentioned little crushes here and there, but the majority of my notes that actually mentioned a boy were all about that same boy - maybe just in different lights, but all about the same boy. So there is no need to fret if you have ever read a note and thought it was about you.. Most likely, it wasn't about you or anybody you know.
A funny thing happened yesterday: I was talking to a girl friend about a guy that i had a crush on and out of the blue she asked me if i was still a virgin. LOL.. i told her i was and that was the silliest question coming from her and asked of me. It turns out that this boy has been reading my notes and i wrote about some boy that hurt me... he had seen me kiss this guy that we can call mike and assumed that the note was about mike. Mike is a man whore and so this guy assumed that i had slept with mike and then wrote a note about the hurt i felt. ..
I wrote a note once inspired by a movie - the note was about people and their judgements. It mentioned double standards and cliques and people's stupidity. The drama that was caused by that note was indescribable.. haha... Someone from the church commented that they felt the same way about their small group and that is where the drama started. My small group leader was bothered and talked to our assistant pastor who talked to our head pastor who talked to my sister who talked to my dad who informed me that "i had the church all riled up" hahaha lol. Soon after, my small group leader pulled me aside to have a serious conversation. ... and all over a note i wrote and someone assumed i was talking about the church when i had really just been inspired by a movie.

i know i'm different - don't tell me.

I get tired of the world sometimes. I get tired of having to fight for my place... I know i am different than everybody else... blue hair and piercings really are not that strange and i know i'm not the only christian girl in the world, but i do everything that i'm not supposed to do all while doing exactly what no one wants to do and still molding to every expectation. You will never find another person that has such an eclectic collection of hobbies and an odd assortment of friends. I talk to people that are considered "dangerous" and do sports that are only meant for guys. I follow every moral rule and yet i can't follow a single social rule. I am too blunt and too opinionated all while being more open minded and accepting than any person you will ever say hello to. I know i am different - this is nothing new to me, but i just wish everybody else could accept that too. .... or at least someone else could. . .. Even the guy i once thought i would marry - i'm just not his "type" : that's what he said, but i know that i'm not anyone's type. I think differently than the rest of the world and that is something that most people [especially guys] just can't understand.

I already know that i will never fit in. I understand that, but i don't know that i can honestly say that i've come to terms with it yet. I want to fit in, i really do; but i don't want it badly enough to change who i am. I like what i do and i like who i am and i know that if i change who i am i will miss the amazing plan that God has set before me. I don't know where i am going in life but i can feel it and i know that what ever my future is it was only made for somebody with the perspective that i hold

My friends are all pretty strange - they know that; but that is what has made us friends. I have my group of friends and i would do anything for them. But there is one whole that my friends will never fill, an ache that they will never stop - I am a woman, made from man and made for a man. My friends can see past my strangeness, but will i ever find a guy that can stop this ache and still see past this flaw of uniqueness? It's not like guys don't know i exist - i can feel their eyes on me. I even read the vibes they send off. The first impression i leave is always one that they are drawn to, but after that he can never get past the "im a virgin, sorry" phase. I know i'm different and i've come to deal with it, but now it seems like more of a handicap than a blessing, my differences are a turn-off to guys. There are some guys that can see past it; that will talk about me, admire me, crush on me.. .. they know me and don't mind admitting to my friends that they like me; but that's as far as it goes - they don't realize that i would give them a chance if all they do is ask.

There was a guy once - just once. He told me he loved me, even told me that i was the one... i don't know what happened to him. I thought we had something going, but he just turned out to be like everyone else - he never persued and now i'll let you know that i can't deal with that. I'm a girl and no guy will be able to catch me if he doesn't persue - that is the biggest lesson i learned from him. It seems like an easy thing to figure out, but it is something i had to learn from seeing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Cold winter day and it sure is cold

I want someone to snuggle up to and drink hot chocolate with. Some one that will kiss my forehead and tell me it will all be ok. I want a guy that will open my door and walk arm in arm with me down the street. Its a friday night and i'm staying in tonight. I just wish there was someone that would stay in with me. I want to wear jeans and a cute sweater and a scarf and drink some hot chocolate and watch a cute like movie or listen to some music and chill. A fire place would be nice, but i don't have one of those so the smell of cinnamion and the light of candles would safice. I just want to feel cherrished and wanted.

Today i paid off my motorcycle.

just say it's ok.

Maybe someday i'll see you again. and you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.
If ever you loved me youll say it ok.. its ok

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

1yr 3mo 13days of love

1yr 8 mo 22days since the day i fell in love
4mo 1 wk 2 days since the day by heart was broken.
All this time and i still haven't gotten over him. .. i guess sometimes it takes longer than we like; and i am sure that one day i will get over him, but right now it still hurts.
Every time i start to think that i am moving on it rains and all those rusty joints start to hurt again.
I have come to hate happy movies because every happy scene makes me remember when he was here and every sad scene reminds me how badly i can relate to the hurt.
He was such a jerk, how could i ever have liked him.. How could i still like him? I see girls with guys that are jerks and i think that is so ignorant. Why would any girl put herself through that? I don't have an answer to that, i always thought that was stupid, but now i am one of those of girls. Bear led me on, played me over, and then couldn't let go and to make things better he expected me to wait for him while he got his shit together; what if he doesn't ever get his shit together. Maybe he is shit, you can't move on from that.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

This is an imperfect world but it's all we have.

Things go wrong. Crap happens: that's my moto "Crap happens". Whether that Crap is a war against an innocent country, a murder in the hood,or a broken heart; crap happens. Once it happens there is no changing it, there is only dealing with it.
There are some things that we can prevent and there are some that we can't .. then there are the things that we think we can change but destiny has already set ahead of us. No matter, Once it has happened we can't change it, only deal with it... make the best and embrace it... Crap happens - this is an imperfect world, but it's all we have.. embrace it.

Hey Now You're a rockstar

Somebody once told me
The world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb
With her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an 'L' on her forehead

Well the years start coming
And they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and
I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart
But your head gets dumb

So much to do
So much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?

You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now, you're an allstar
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rockstar
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars can break a mold

It's a cool place
And they say it gets colder
Your bundeled up now
But wait 'til you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The water's getting warm
So you might as well swim
My world's on fire how about yours?
That's the way I like it
And I never get bored

Somebody once asked,
'Could you spare some change for gas?
I need to get myself away from this place'
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change

Friday, October 17, 2008

comfort isn't what i'm looking for

12-2, 4-6 Those are my study hours. I will spend those 4 hours writing blogs and reminising on life. Once in a arare while i will have to get up for the occasional boat rental but generally i can spend those paid hours writing messages like this one.

I am comfortable, here in so IL. I have a steady job and a network of friends and contacts and if all else fails i am only a few minutes from the family that has always been there to back me up. But i'm not satisfied being comfortable. I want more than this. There was a time that i was an extreme church going freak. I may not be quite as gung ho about going to church as i once was, but i am still in love with God and no matter how messed up my life gets i refuse to forget who the love of my life is. God is the love of my life. When God origionally told me to move to MO I was all for it cause i knew it would bring Darren and i together. Now that Mr. Bear is no longer part of my future, Branson seems like an even stranger place. But this is what i need. .. God said go and i'm gonna go. It doesn't matter what the deal is with Bear cause thats not why i'm going - i'm going cause God said to go,. He knows best and i need the move anyway because i need something more than just southern IL. So heres the plan : I'm going full time next semester: four classes and then this summer i can take my last two classes to finish my associates and then when my lease is up in aug and i can pack up my stuff and move to the city of my dreams. In feb or march [possible during spring break] i'm gonna make a trip to set up preperations such as a job and housing. So now my plans are made and i am ready. ready to take on the world.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Math Class

Its kinda funny - my last test i got a 51 and yet i now am enjoying this class more than when i was getting the highest grade - guess i just needed that challenge.

welcome to winter.

Peach/pink Burton pants and a red/black leather jacket with a black oniel beanie - i am the apitamy of a surfer or skater or snowboarder or something... lol. But i know i wasn't too cold this morning on my bike : ) ...but it was still quite chilly.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The guy i want

Sam is texting me again.. lol. I don't know what he thinks he's gonna get out of this. I think he really does want a relationship.. but i'm not sure what his expectations are and i am not sure i want to know. I am not sure i am ready... i am more ready now than i was then but i am still just not ready. I need a guy that will let me go out on my own with out him there and then, when the night is over, will come see me. I need to go out on my own, but when the night is over and i want to makeout with someone i need my man to be there.
I need someone who:
plays guitar.
goes out
loves god
doesn't make a habit of getting drunk
does drink
has smoked
doesn't smoke
loves me just the way i am
WANTS to go to my games
Wants to talk about his day
can listen to my rants
doesn't mind going to church with me
one faced: honest about who he is even to himself.
disicion maker
Wants to meet my parents
enjoys wrestling with my brother
Takes me to Levi's games
2 am skateboarding
can JUST make out

3 am

Biathalon 2008
3rd in the 16-24
11/15 overall with a run of 29.20 and a total of 144.56
It was the best ride so far.

Tonight was quite interesting. i went cruising with one of my girl friends. Hung with Tabby and we went to like 3 or 4 different parties.. lol... i smoked pot. lol. It was quite an interesting night to say the least. I dont understand how so many guys want to do me. I don't understand all the drama..... between those both things i get sick of life. I am just tired of everything right this second.

A girl passed out today at the homecoming game... and i was so proud of my mad skills - but the cop that i had to deal with was totally stupid and wouldn't listen to anything i was saying. it's cool.. what ev. it was still quite the experience..

Thursday, October 09, 2008

I think i have a crush on him.

Do you think he even knows i exist?


The flames of fate lick at the edge of my own destiny.


create a poligimous facebook group.


Sexuality will always be a part of how i express myself artistically. I don't think a woman should be afraid of her sexuality

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Will i fall in love again?

If i could fall in love again, i'd fall in love with you right now.

I don't know when you will come to me, but i know that one day you will.

Skulls and cross bones paint my nails but bows and lace clothe me. How will my armored soldier find me when he doesn't even know i exist?

What about that boy? He knows i'm cool - but could he ever see past our friendship? He's tough and rough and he can see past the makeup and fancy clothes.. whats the chance that he can see past me? He's built and determined. He's a man, not a boy...does he have the ability to love? But maybe, just maybe it'll all fall through again.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Burning love letters into the dark.

The wall of fate stands high above any man's reach. I stand on the edge looking into what was and what will never be. The flames burn higher as those dreams are slowly chared and i realize that my ambitions are so much bigger than any dream i ever had. So many people would see those flames coming up from hell enswamping bright dreams, but i see them as stars saving me from my own low surmise.

The wall of fate stands high above any man's reach. I stand on the edge looking into what was and what will never be and see the skies that were hidden behind those curses i called dreams.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

another day is coming

The Cilling is a shadow of leaves and the only lights are the freckles that paint the sky. The rest of the world is gone and the stars on the ground are just as mesmerizing as the freckles in the sky. When i turn out my own lights i am enswamped in a world unknown to man, a world so beautiful that my own mind can't encase the memory. All that exist is darkness and still the simplicity can't be discribed, can't be contained. After hiking for nearly an hour, the sound of people has faded and a strange music fills the air. I always feared the dark, the unkown; but now i find the music comforting, so comforting that i could confuse it with The sound of God's voice. It is a sound so un-human that i can barely bring myself to interupt but i know that with the night cold will come and a fire needs to be built. As we break limbs and collect dry leaves the tree directly above us sings the chorus. The fire doesn't catch quickly but He is able to get it started and the shadows around us soon dance to the song's beat. Our conversation seems so casual in the light of the music and the sound of my own voice sounds rasp in comparion to the beauty of everything around me. As we lie in the glow of the fire i can't help but stare. We only just met less than a week ago but already it feels like i've known him my entire life. This stranger already feels like one of my bestfriends and strangly enough i have to fight to keep from liking him. It's nearly the stroke of the dawn when we started out that night and his randomness and freedom strokes desires within me. But i know that it will only take time before i can overcome this feeling. I think we will be good friends and i can't let feelings of lust ruin an evening so beautiful. As i push those feelings back, my own control is won and i realize how amazing the earth around me is. As i finally begin to give in to the sleep that has already overcome my senses the music begins to fade and the trees tire of dancing.. When Morning comes there will be more celebrating as another day begins.

But i want you

I've packed a cooler and a change of clothes
Let's jump and see how far it goes
You got my heart and your daddy's boat
We got all night to make it float
We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends
Or we could jump in
Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop this spinning
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
I got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I don't regret
You got a dream of a degree
And a shirt that smells like me
Yeah we both got dreams, we could chase alone
Or we could make our own
Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop this spinning
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
Never waste another day
Wonderin' what you threw away
Holdin me, holdin you
I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, but you don't want to

But I want you

Sugarland - Want To
Found at bee mp3 search engine


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Defently Maybe.

This is the story of a girl.. Who cried a river and drowned the whole world.
While she looked so sad in photographs, i absolutely love her when she smiles.

How many days in a year she woke up with hope but she only found tears.
I can be so insincere. Making promises never for real.
as long as she stand there waiting.. wearing the holes in the soul of her shoe.

"I don't think people are waiting for the right time, not the right person." - Aprile.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

.Christopher's mark.

Human misery must somewhere have a stop:
There is no wind that always blows a storm.
~Euripides ~

It’s easy to think we’ll always be in the same boat, that our characters are fixed, our habits unalterable. “This is who I am. You can take me or leave me.” I know that when I find myself saying words to myself or thinking in this way, I often mean, “When you know who I really am, you will leave me.” This is the ultimate position of the Addict

No one is predestined to be a certain person or to behave in a particular way. No one stops growing and changing either. We have to have faith in the immense possibilities of movement and growth.

Life itself is more than winds and storms. It can be calm, changeable, hot, dry, mellow, promising, gloomy, bright, serene and even phenomenal; and we can match its immense diversity of moods. For we are a part of life, part of all this wondrous change and diversity and if we are not afraid to let ourselves go a bit, we can be as variable and flexible as life itself.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sara Palin..

The vice president canidate for the republican John McCain. It is so strange. No one ever expected this elderly Conservative to choose a young female for his running mate. She is a supporter of gun rights and protester of abortions and she is attractive. She has the charisma that McCain is lacking and she will win many of the votes that would have orgionally gone to Clinton. Will these advantages be enough for the republicans to win? Obama has been in the picture way longer than this new name and many will be more comfortable with the name they already know. There are many that will not be fond of this new woman due to the simple fact that they know nothing about her. I have never heard her speak in my life, is she simply power hungry or is she really out to change the country? Obama puts out the effort that every leader should and he has the appeal that most middle class are looking for. I am sure many will vote for McCain simply because his running mate is a woman but there will be some with the exact opposite opinion. This will be a close fight and the gap is closing with this new introduction. I believe that the charisma that Obama carries will be what wins the nation but it is coming to a close battle as the day ticks closer.

olympic hang over

What happens when it's all over? Olypians wake up the next morning with an olympic hang over. They spend their entire lives preparing for this one moment and when it's over they are left wondering what to do now. I gave my entire life to powerlifting and now that it's over i don't know what to do. I can go on with life, but this is what my entire goal was set around. Any ex is left with the future. What will Bush do? What is Bill Gates up to? What do you strive for after it is all finished? I will finish my bucket list and experience life.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

no thankyou. ill love

Sometimes i can't help but cry. Sometimes i can't help but smile. I may not see where my life is going but i can see the destination. I don't know how i am going to get there and that hurts but i know that I can only do so much, and then i have to let it be taken by God.
There is so much that needs to be done and you have to do it, but then you have to turn around and enjoy life. Sometimes things will hurt but you have to learn to let go of those things because what are ambitions for if you can't enjoy the path along the way? I am going to change the world, but what is the point if i can't enjoy life along the way. How can i change the world if i can't hold on to hope and joy. People will frown upon me if i stop to smell the roses when i am late for work. I may not be approved of when i get a tattoo or piercing. But this is who i am and i will not stop seeing the colors of life because the day i stop looking at the stars will be the day the light goes out in life.

Bear may have broke my heart. but i will not stop smiling. It will take a while for me to love again. I may never be able to love again, but that doesn't mean i will ever stop trying. I will not let any boy decide my destiny. That is my disicion and he can only help me decide if he can prove to me that he is worthy to be part of it. As for Bear, Who needs a boy that isn't reliable? Who needs a boy that is going to break your heart? Not me. No thank you. I am to busy seeing the sound of life to let him stop my life.

Friday, August 22, 2008

To do:

Crowd surfing.
hitch hike
I got it done today. It's official. I am God's marked territory.


I have been talking about getting a tattoo for at least a year. Steve got his tattoo . He's not said it, but he wants me to get mine. I think he is more excited about it than i. Today is the day.. I am getting that tattoo today. Here it is, i am finally taking the plunge. It is raining outside and i still have to print of the picture before i get off work, but i am hoping my boss will print it off for me so that i can get straight to the tattoo parlor after i get off. I am kind of nervous. This is a permanent decision. Once i do this, it is done. There is no turning back. I am doing it.

This is for me. All the things people can do to me, God is the only one that will never forsake me. I Want to give myself to him. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. It doesn't matter who approves or disapproves. It doesn't matter and this is one subject that they can not persuade me off of. There is no more negotiating. I have made my decision and i will not back down. I am losing my innocence one step at a time and this is the next step. I have realized that everyone will lose their innocence sooner or later, it is part of growing up. The longer you live, the more you will experience and with that comes loss of innocence. It is not a bad thing. But it is something i've come used to and now i have to learn to accept it.

So here it is. It is today. I am putting down my promise. There is no turning back. I am giving my entire life to God and now the entire world will know. This is to freedom. This is to life. This is to love. This is for God.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

2am skateboarding.

I miss those days of random road trips and two am skateboarding. What happened to singing on the top of our lungs and laughing until it hurt? I miss those innocent crushes and rejecting random boys.

Things change and people move forward but why do we still have to leave the good times behind? When i was young we would go elevator hopping and laugh with strangers. we would check out the latest styles and if i rejected a boy it wasn't because i was scared.

I miss having hobbies and making friends. Some things have to change, but not everything. Not everything and everyone has to grow up. I want to smile. I want to laugh.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

"dance like nobody is watching, and love like it wont hurt"

But i did love once and it did hurt, it was a pain worst than any and a pain that i could never survive twice. Steven wants me to give him a chance, he sent me flowers with this message attached. I want to give him a chance; he deserves a chance, but i am scared. What if i can't control my feelings, what if i fall in love with him?
*I want to follow God but i am having trouble hearing him, perhaps it's because i am not listening. After Bear i understand why i would have trouble listening, but i need to listen to God because this is for him that i am living.
*I am going to do this. I am giving him a chance because he deserves it and i am putting everyone else out of mind. This is it, game time. Wish me luck.

I am just scared of boys. At least i am not scared to kiss them anymore, but i am still scared. I have seen what they are capable of and i know that, at their full potiential, they can do more damage than any weapon; they can hurt to kill.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

LoCash Cowboys.

Pinch was the spot of the coolest band ever last night. The show itself was amazing... the best yet, and the crowd seemed to agree. However, it was also a busy show and i hardly got to talk to Ryan. Half a dozen sentences were shared when i first came in but then they had to go get ready and then after the show He was busy packing and taking care of fans... between everything we just didn't get a chance to talk much. After the show they went back to the hotel to shower and he asked me to come hang out with him and Hooper and i went and waited about 4 minutes when we decided that we really felt like groupies with all the waiting around and all. I told him that and he said that we were defently not groupies... but it's cool... they are coming back on halloween and Ryan is hoping to get some of the planning done ahead of time so that we can hang out before the show.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I officially own a bike.

2003 Yamaha XVstar Classic 650CC with 18000 miles
It's maroon and black and white with saddle bags and a back rest and a highway bar and back bag rack
It's a little louder than the 99 but i think the aceseseries and the age difference make it worth it. It is 4300 out the door and i've put 250 down. i have 1900 in my bank account so i will have to take out 2500 loan. that shouldn't take me too entirely long to pay off but it will also help my credit score a lot. `

So i am ready to learn to ride my new toy. I have the general idea and i think i could pretty much figure it out on my own but i want to take the class. ...especially now.

I am stoked... i said forever that i was going to buy a bike. i'm good to go.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

XV Star 650 cc

I learned to ride a bike today. I didn't get above first gear, but at least now i know what to expect.... and i'm stoked! I am totally buying this bike tomorrow.

99 custom. 17000 mil. 3499
03 classic 18000 mi. 3999
05 classic 3000 mi. 4999
Both the classics have backrest and the 03 has saddle bags.
I am thinking that the 03 is what i want. It has more accesories that i will need and is the best price for my money.
Sailor said he would test drive it for me. I am trying to get off work tomorrow so that i can go look at it and maybe test drive it.

Believe in something better.

On a pillow of nirvana and a blanket of stars i see the possibilities. I can believe in something better than pain and suffering because i see the joy in simplicity and in chaos.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

year of muscle.

4 years since my first powerlifting meet and my first record. 2 years since i broke the World record. That was such a big part of my life and now i am here and still don't know where i am going with something that was, at one time, my entire life.

Chicago. picturesque

Today i am in Chi town. It was completely unplanned. My parents called and said they were headed up to see MG and now i am tagging along. It would be amazing to be here with my friends. It makes me fall in love with the city and everything that comes with it. I'm a tomboy. I like hunting and rugby and skateboarding, but at the same time i am a city girl. I like skyscrapers and pointy shoes and big purses and coffee shops. I want to live that picturesque scene. I want to be free and i want to be what ever i want. That picture: a girl with big red curly hair and thick mascara in a scarf with the pointiest shoes and the biggest bag and a cup of coffee walking down a store filled street with stop lights and cross walks and street venders. Picture number two: a girl in ripped jeans, skate shoes and choppy hair with a blue streak skateboarding down a rarely used sidewalk in a rundown little town with a boe doezed lot on the left, a gas station on the right, and a bapstist church ahead. I want to do it all. My picture: red curly hair with a blue streak, wearing a green halter dress over ripped jeans and a classic tee; standing in a small college city by a bike rack; holding a longboard in one hand and laying on the ground is an over sized purse. In the other hand are the skate shoes i just took off and on my feet are green pointy shoes. I am a mix of every culture and ever genre and every image you could ever imagine. That is me. This is my destiny. ... To be free.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Dare to live my legacy

I'm going to see the world. I'm going to live my legacy. I can't just sit here and move forward on the same path as everybody else. I know that they are happy and that is what counts, but i'm not. I can't just live a normal life. I just can't sit here and move forward like nothing is wrong; but this is not me. This is not my destiny. There is so much more. I can't be happy simply leading a life that everybody would call perfect. I wasn't made to sit still and i wasn't made to take life as they tell me to. I can't just accept that this is the perfect life. I have to see it for myself. I have to go. I have to dare.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Black and white.

Not everything is black and white but the simplicity of what is is beautiful. In fact, just about nothing is black and white. Everything has it's exeptions and everything has its confusions. But just the same, the rainbow of chaos in this world adds exitement to life

Friday, July 18, 2008


This is my legacy. This is the dream that i am living. Some dream of being doctors or lawyers or fire fighters. I just want to be a wife and live a happy life. I want to change the world with my love.
The way my mind keeps turning is like no other brain. But it is me that every guy has stuttered for. My life makes no sense to me. It makes no sense to anyone. But here i stand and dream of living on. of living on.. of living on. I will change the world, if not today; tomorrow will bring another chance. Lets pick up our legacy's and fly. And fly away. This is it. This is now. Why wait until tomorrow for what you can do today. lets change the world. Let's change the world.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

How to fall in love?

Well it's not something you can find in a book no ones writing it on the bathroom walls and Google never seems to get it right. How to fall in love isn't just something you can write down on paper or even learn to do. It happens on its own could be at anytime but you'll know when it does happen. When you get that feeling of a million different emotions being carried around on the backs of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, you'll know. So don't worry about falling in love,
love will fall for you.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

physical graffiti.

I don't fit the standard stereotype. I am no cliche. Everything i do fits no pattern. I have hobbies that are not expected of a girl; your typical tomboy in some sense: skateboarding, hunting, powerlifting. And yet there are still other aspects that no one expects from a tomboy: fashion, art, cooking, mirage. Everything i do fits together so well and yet no one can see that but me. People don't expect a powerlifter to love fashion design or a skateboarder to like cooking. And yet it all fits into the way i think so perfectly; but even that is unique to the rest of the world. From the way i live to the theories i entertain, everything that has ever ran through my mind is random and yet so perfectly organized and it all seems like common sense to me.

Mys-ter-y lmist(ǝ)rēl
(n) something that is difficult or impossible to explain.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Chic guy di goy roi: where did my shoe go?

My skateboarding is improving imenselly. There is one small problem and that is that i now have a hole in my shoe. bummer. i should have kept all those old shoes just to use skating. I use my toes to break with and now i have worn a hole into my shoes :(

Saturday, July 05, 2008


What is the plastic thing at the end of a shoe lace called? Someone asked me that once and no one could answer but today i was watching zach and cody and they had the answer.

[house of D]

"Sometimes she cried herself to sleep and sometimes she just cried."

Friday, July 04, 2008

a rose

There was a homeless guy walking by as i am sitting here checking my internet and i tried to ignore him because i knew he was going to ask for money but he surprised me... he stopped and laid a rose down beside me, wished me a happy day and walked away. It made me smile. It made my entire day better and it made me feel wonderful.

To chase: to pursue: to seek

I am a woman. I deserve to be pursued. I will not put myself out there. I want to be chased. If he is not going to seek me out than that is fine, but i will not be his until he can fight for me. I can be his friend; i will be his friend. But i will not be his booty call. If he wants to be my friend than we can hang out, but i don't want this 2 am watching a movie thing because, really?, who watches a movie at 2a? nobody. Nobody watches a movie at 2a; they are either sleeping or making out. So 2 am? goodmorning. Goodnight. goodbye.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


Life is sureal. Everything. Everyday. Every moment. I am 20 years old. i live on my own. I am leading my own life with a real job. I don't know what i am doing with my life and i am just waiting for the next step of life. I skateboard and play rugby and the violin. I have friends and they are all guys. I have made out with my share of boys and now i have passed first base. I don't know what i am doing.. I am really just taking what life throws me, but it is all so sureal and i don't know what to do with it.

Stupid rules

I hate people and i hate their stupid rules. I'm not good at anything and i can't even try to be good because there are so many rules in this world. I understand that most of the rules are for our own safetey or the safetey of others, but why can't people just use their brains a little bit. I went to the hospital car garage and went to the top floor. I bet there were no more than 20 cars in the entire 6 floors but i went to the top anyway to avoid cars so i wouldnt' be in anyone's way. There was not one car on the entire 2 floors but i still got kicked out. ... so now i'm gonna go to the road instead so that people can hit me and send me to that same hospital where i wasn't hurting anybody. .. It is just like when i got in trouble for taking my bike in the rec for work and i was told that i couldn't have bikes in the rec.... seriously? really? what was that hurting? I hate stupid people and all of their stupid rules. You know what... just go fuck the world because i hate it. I hate all these sterioe types and regulations and the way people think i have to do things their way.

Fast and the furious

It's who you choose to be around you. It's trust in character that i need.

I don't need people who look for fame. i don't need anyone to look for my acceptance. It is honesty and true morality that make a person good. A passion to move forward is what will fuel a motivation. and it is their passion that will build my own motivation and their motivation that will build my own passion.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

i'm the type of girl

"I'm the type of girl that be so sad but can still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own."

Be Fearless.

Hear your heart beat and dance.

psyc notes:

Our personality is what makes us unique.
Everybody has a personality
Every personality is probably common, but still unique.
Personality is pretty fixed between 6-12
Personality is how someone behaves.
Traits are descriptors. Adj that can describe yourself.

Self-concept: your character as you know it.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I kissed more than dating goodbye

I fell in love.... i swore to myself that i wouldn't let myself do that but i messed up. He said he loved me and everything was going well. Then things went down hill very fast. I just now realized what happened... i was writing a blog and i think i slipped and actually said his name. He must have read it and i think it all screwed something up. I thought he had heard the same thing from God that i had heard. Perhaps i got too excited and perhaps i came on too strong, but i fell in love and he said that he loved me and i had faith in God that things would work out and so i let go of my own games but now i wish i hadn't. This is the only guy i have ever fell in love with and if i ahd held on to those games i wouldn't have lost him. Now there is only one thing left to do... i have to move on.
At first it felt good to be gone of those strings that had so long held me to hope. When i first realized that i had messed up i thought i could finally move on with my love life. I don't know if i can move on. I have never fell in love but once, but now i can't move on. I've kissed dating goodbye and i will not date again until i have moved on. I have to live my own life and i don't need any guy because i know that guys are full of bull shit and i am not willing to give up my heart again.
Maybe someday i will understand; but today i don't ever want to love again. When i first loved him i didn't understand the severity of it and now i can't even feel. I suppose i am just like the little kid touching a hot stove; I never understood the heat of it until i had finally touched it and now i never want to touch it again. I am more scared of love than of marry-go-rounds or dogs. I know that i am supposed to let God lead, but i can't let go of my own games anymore; last time i let go i scared him away and i will not ever let that happen again. I will never fall in love again and i will never let my heart to love again and i will never stop rolling my own dice in the game of love because if i do any one of those i know that nothing good will come of it.
So what kind of life is this? What is the point of life if not to love? I am going to change the world. I'm not going to sit around and wait for the world to change because the rest of the world is preoccupied with gas prices.. So lets sail. I don't need any guy; i'm going to skate board in the rain and there is there is no need for boys there.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


I'm unusual. I'm not typical. I might even be a rockstar.

i kissed dating goodbye II

I have never really been tempted in my purity, but more recently things have begun to turn. I suppose it is because my internal clock is ticking and i am living in the world. Just because these things are changing doesn't change my own lines or morals. So now, after all these years, i have finally hit a point that i have to watch myself; i have to get a reign on my own selfish temptations.
I have come to stumble. There is no sin in wanting a boyfriend, but there is sin in attempting to make that happen outside God's will. My friends are guys, but it is hard to make new friends when i am on the dating market. So for now i am done with dating until GOD brings me the right guy.

I've hit a new stage in life. I'm ready for adventure. I'm ready for excitement. God made me for an exciting life, not a normal one. So what am i doing sitting here? Why am i living the same life day after day?

Saturday, June 21, 2008


Ryan thinks i should join a band. I would love to, but i don't want people to think that i am cool because i'm in a band; i want them to think i am cool because that is what i am.