Thursday, September 30, 2010

epic no.

This girl has an amazing look that fits the style she tends to dote.  Her retro look is beautiful with the classic styles that she favors.  However, it doesn't matter who you are, the only outfit that would look good with green hosery is a costume as Poisin ivy (from batman)  outside of that, please don't ever try to pull off green panty hose.  please.

Personalization specialist.

That is my official title now.   It is technically a management position but i'm not a manager.  It's full time and with benifits :)  i now have a real job.  I think the main focus is wedding invitations but i can make just about anything like that.

I'm so excited.  We all know that i love design... graphic design, fashion design, interior design.... i love all of it.  I didn't go to school for it because i hate school and didn't want all of the silly side classes.  On top of my lack of school i also have no ambition for some real serious job.
The fact that i managed to grab this job is just plain awesome.
I suppose this blog may become a little more design based now that i actually have a job based in design..... i'm stoked.

So that's the summary on the job :).

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

mobile blog

The man took me to dinner last night . . . By dinner i mean on a DATE :) i love dates. They make me feel so awesom

Sunday, September 26, 2010


"I don't know if i should laugh or scream so i'm gonna do both" - Harper

Want me too

I know what i want.  I know what i want wants me.  I suppose maybe it's just the fight that i need first.  I need to be needed and i need that need to be for good.  It's just a matter of time til everything is beautiful again.  I just have to get comfortable again... i'm trying so hard not to overwhelm anyone and i'm starting to feel like i might actually be wanted around more. .  Maybe it's good cause then everything will be more apprietiated and what we are will not be taken for granet.

Life wise i might not be real happy, but it's just a matter of time.... i have been through a lot in the past 5 months after all.

World as to My world.

Tell me this:
Why is it that the people who's lives cross mine the most and opinions effect me the most disapprove of every part of my being.  Yet, the rest of the world seems to love me.  

Screw this world.  I wish my own world loved me as much as the rest of the world does (or even just approved of me)

A day off

After an emotional break down yesterday, i was given today off.  The problem is that now that i have a moment to catch my breath i remember why i threw myself into so much work.   Depression ravaged my mind and so i threw myself into work and it took my mind away from the rest of life.  Then, when i had emotional break downs i thought it was due to exhaustion.  They gave me a day off to catch my breath and now i remember the depression.

Trapped in a world that wont let go

Heart on

My heart longs for you.
My soul dies for you.
My eyes cry for you.
My empty arms reach out for you.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

goodbye bar.

I work at a bar that just reopened after burning down.  I love bartending.  I do not love bartending with girls that think they own the place... sry, not cool.  Tonight they asked what i thought we could do different - i told them and then was basicly told i was wrong.... why'd you freaking ask then>?    And don't act like youre nice if youre gonna freaking try to steal every sale from me.  Also not cool.  So go screw yourself cause i'm done.  I work at classy bars.... not bars that dont even know what price is what or when i'm working next.   I love the old rome, i hate the bartenders.   the only ones that i like are the two that don't go around stealing my orders or telling me how to open a f***ing beer.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Happy weekend

amazing shelving.

for the full entry:   here   (there are also several other epic before and afters)

I think this shelf is absolutely amazing.  This is possibly the most amazing shelf i've ever seen.  I think i will use this in Will's office real soon :)


I like working at Party city.  The problem is that They have me working 60 hrs this week and i have a life outside of that job.  They are considering hiring me as full time.   I would love to work m-f 8 hrs a day, but i don't know that i'm loyal enough to this job to actually get that full time.  I stretch myself as much as i can, but then i stop.  I've already put in 40 hours this week and today i was supposed to work again, but i was too exaughsted and so i called and told them i couldn't do it.  I am a hard worker when i work, but i can only work so hard so long and then my body shuts down.... i doubt there going to hire me permenantly when i'm willing to put my foot down like this.  Everyone that works there has worked 8 hrs a day, every single day since they were hired on.  Everyone that works there is stretched thin and everyone is tired of working....  I am too.  The deal with me is that i put my foot down when i've had enough.  I really would like to get hired on permanent but i'm not willing to stretch myself thin for it.  I have a life and i don't want to loose that for a job.  Especially with Will... i can't get my job done at home if i so busy working.  We open tomorrow.  Hopefully things will slow down cause right now i barely have time to breath.

WC Clark.

The kick off for the SI blues society was last night with C.W. Clark.  It was a big deal for Will Stephens.  Blues is such a classic genre.   I like shows like the one last night.  I like it even more when Will holds me to him and gets so caught in the notes.  Blues music captures the classicness of joy and it's so easy to get lost in.

DE put out a entry on the society/show.  check it: here

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Arnold Palmer

blurry picture =

Named after the golfer, 1/2 tea, 1/2 lemonade = awesome.

another drink that sounds epic that is on my to do list:
madori, malibu, pineapple juice.

job, work, labor, service, wage...

I am officially pooped. I've not blogged much in the past week because i have put in way more hrs than one physical body can handle. Since sunday i have already worked 39 hrs at Party city. By the time the week is over i will have hit 60. After a weekend of juggling bartending and party city, sunday was an 8 hr day, monday i put in 15 hrs, Yesterday was another 8 hrs, and today was also 8 hrs. Tommorrow will be a training day and then i know they want me to work fri and sat..... but i can't keep pushing myself like this. I need a break. Not too big of a deal, i'm just so exaughsted that i can barely exist. Yesterday ended at 1030 only to start today at 6 am.. way too early for my taste.
I dunno what i'm going to do, but something has to happen because this is just too much. The good news is that my boss is considering offering me full time. All i know is that i'm pooped.

On other news: Tonight is Will's big show so if you've nothing better to do and you're in the Carbondale area: check it out. CW Clark at tres.

Until then... i'm taking a nap.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Above the world.

"The need to be approved by others is your own need to be approved by yourself"

Let go of your own self judgement and the world's opinion wont matter.  
It's a true story.... the times i feel the most judged by the world (and care) is when i respect myself the least.   People aren't happy with how they are and so they seek out the world's approval.  
I'm not going to say i'm happy with myself right now, but i'm getting there.  I used to be happy with myself and i am going to be happy with myself.   Right now,  i'm working on it, but i don't need the world's approval to love myself.  I'm above that.  I'm not anything special, but i am certainly not going to let the rest of the world tell me that.   I've always been who i want to be, why would i let anyone else change that?  

Sunday, September 19, 2010

my man? the man?

Since my relationship status is on hold i really don't know what to call him when i'm talking about him to strangers.... At work yesterday i kept calling him the man of the house. lol. "The man of the house woke up and cooked me breakfast so that i'd get up." and "The man of the house said he liked this outfit".... I suppose it works. I could call him what he is, but i've vowed to give him as much space as i can survive until he tells me he doesn't want that space anymore and i'm not going to push it because i want him to know how much he means to me and i want him to be confident in how he feels about me.

On other note.... I told you how exaughsted i was from working so much..... I laid down to listen to wills show today at 6 but dont remember a thing he said because i fell asleep by 630. lol. now it's midnight and i just woke up. As long as i do fall back asleep (which doesn;t feel like it should be a problem) i should feel pretty good tomorrow.

And while i'm in the process of giving a step by step of my day:  I bought a plastic "to go" cup from wal mart today.  They had a really awesome brand that id been eyeing.... and  now that i made bank bar tending i decided to suck it up and spend the 5 bucks.... except now they are gone and the only color they had left was red.  I bought it anyway cause that's how badly i wanted one.  These two here are really cute.... but 20 dollars is a little more than i'll spend on a cup. lol  I know the ones from starbucks leak (the caps just aren't seals good enough)  so i'm hoping this one will work a little better cause it is a freaking awesome cup.  . . . yes, i know that i'm way too excited about just a cup but it was cool cup. lol 

... with all the coffee the man of the house drinks, i'm sure i'll be using this a LOT :)

Always a Party.

I have two solid jobs. A) Party city. B) The old Rome.
Bartended last night (and made dough) but then i had to be up bright and early to work at the party sharp by 7am. I've put in so many hours working the past 5 days....... 33 hours I guess thats really not that entire so many. But considering the fact that 6 days ago i didn't have job, that is quite a few hours.

I'm hoping that once both places are up and running i will be able pull them both off. I know that Party city defently likes me so i should be able to get what i want shifts wise, but i'm not really sure if the bar actually wants me working much.... i seem to have gotten the back seat from them. If it all works out right i will be making real bank between party city and the bar. Ps. I like the way that both jobs are party related.

Friday, September 17, 2010

The New Rome

I bartend at a bar in Murphy, The Old Rome which burnt down before i could start my second day. Now they have rebuilt and i just got a phone call from The big man himself, Jamie. They will be reopening in about 14 minutes. I'm pretty stoked.... I'm going to be on call when i get there. You think i'm bar ready? :)

Taxes anyone?

I think Taxes are dumb... I don't really ever to desire to be rich cause then the government is just going to try and keep it.  Right now i can get government money if i want to and they don't take much of my paychecks.  I'm not really sure why they are handing out money and i'm not sure why thy don't tax me cause i don't really need their money (i survive just fine without it) but if i can just not make more money than i can take their money when i want it.  
All these people who work hard to make more money . . . i'm not sure why.  If they would just stop working so hard they end up with the same money..... if i make 100 dollars and dont lose but 5 dollars to the government = $95 to keep.   If i work twice as hard and make 200 dollars the government is going to take $95 cause i'm in the next income bracket = $105 to keep.  So why would i work twice as hard to just make 10 more dollars?  That would be silly on my part.
why don't they just take 10% from everyone?  If you don't make but 1 dollar you will only give 10 cents..... if you make $100 you only give $10 . .  That's what i think and i think they should listen to me :)

Apple a day....

I'm walking in the apple festival parade with Will Stephens Tommorow... He's running for Jackson County board and i want him to win.   

September 22. be there

Tres Hombres.... i'll be there and you should be too :)

An article in the southern yesterday (check it here):

Birthday parties aren’t usually the best places for brainstorming, but sometimes a mix of blues and booze begets a brilliant solution to an obvious problem.
At least that was the case for buddies and blues aficionados Will Stephens and Billy Langley.
Despite hundreds of fans and musicians, the Southern Illinois blues scene was scattershot. Stephens and Langley responded by creating the Southern Illinois Blues Society, which hosts a concert beginning 8 p.m. Wednesday at Tres Hombres in Carbondale. There is a $10 cover charge for the show, the society’s first. The Ivas John Band opens, followed by legendary Texas bluesman W.C. Clark, who played with Stevie Ray Vaughan and other luminaries. Clark takes the stage at 9 p.m.
Stephens said coming up with the Southern Illinois Blues Society brainchild wasn’t exactly rocket science, especially when artists such as Martin “Big Larry” Albritton and Rip Lee Pryor call the area home.
“It’s one of these ideas that have been as plain as the nose on your face, and nobody picked it up,” Stephens said. “Billy and I aren’t gen-iuses. There’s just kind of a vacuum there.”
Cities across the country have blues societies dedicated to America’s homegrown music. Langley moved from Texas a little more than a year ago and noticed that, despite fans and musicians, Southern Illinois lacked the creative camaraderie created by those blues societies.
“It seems to lead to really interesting gigs,” said Langley, who fronted a Lone Star State blues band before moving here. “It seemed to open the door to people who needed a band. It’s an easy way for musicians to hook up. It’s a network of people.”
The Southern Illinois Blues Society will focus on promoting local blues artists and bringing in national touring acts for performances. A year’s membership to the Southern Illinois Blues Society is $15 and includes a newsletter and discounts to future shows.
While the hope is that many local artists will use the society as a tool, Stephens said bringing together fans is just as important to the society’s success.
“There are blues lovers in Harrisburg, De Soto, Mounds City, all across the southern 19 counties,” Stephens said. “ … It’s not reinventing the wheel. It’s just going to take some time to cover all of Southern Illinois, and hopefully it takes off. I really think it will.”
Booking W.C. Clark seems like a good first step.
Clark has won multiple W.C. Handy awards for excellence in blues. Clark wrote the Stevie Ray Vaughan hit “Coldshot” in the 1970s, and his 50th birthday was the reason for one of the most acclaimed “Austin City Limits” shows ever.
Clark won the 1994 W.C. Handy Blues Award for Soul Blues Album of the Year for “Texas Soul.” He took home a 1998 Handy award for the artist deserving of wider recognition for his song “Lover’s Plea.” Clark won the 2003 Handy award for Blues Song of the Year for his composition “Let It Rain.” He was nominated for the 2004 Handy for male soul artist.
Stephens befriended Clark after a show in Austin, Texas, and was instrumental in getting the blues bass player to swing by Carbondale on his way from Memphis to Chicago.
“They’ve tried to get him in this area several times, and it hasn’t worked out,” Stephens said. “This year, I decided to go for it. … (Clark) is one of the most underappreciated bluesmen ever.”
Clark will not be underappreciated in Southern Illinois if the newly formed blues society has its way. But, gathering enough cash to start things off is always an issue.
Stephens said response to the blues society has been positive. Now, he said, he needs to raise about $500 in seed money for the newsletter and other expenses.
“I’ve been reaching out to people who know me and I know them, and they’ve been very receptive,” Stephens said.
Stephens said there is still work to do before the society begins hosting regular events, which will most likely start in early 2011.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What's you're name again?

She's a different kind of girl... what's her name?

Bucket list:
dye my hair = check
chop off my hair = check
go skydiving = it's happening next weekend :)

So i'm not really sure that i wanted to lose my hair but i did want something really different.  My life right now is just hell and i'm ready to snap out of the high that i've been in.  I really do miss my hair a lot but i know that i'll get used to this too,..  I'm not giving up on who/what i wanted to be, i'm just accepting that shit is not acceptable and letting go of things that aren't neccesary (such as reservations or caution, not people).  I know who i used to be but I'm not sure who i am anymore, im just hoping that factor Y will come back so that i can be factor X because factor X is what i wish to be.   Until then,,,, i'm going to continue with drastic measures (meaning a search until i find a "me" that i'm comfortable being until factor Y comes back)

so whats her name?  yeah, i don't know either.... lets make one up for her.

goodbye lovely

during numero uno

during numero 2

final product

Monday, September 13, 2010

anthology what?

I don't really know what this is about, i just think it's a cute little "day in the life of" style,,,

google finds:

I didn't think love was supposed to hurt like this...

but it doesn't matter because, For real...
 it's a true story.

Somewhat celebrity

I'm not that cool of a person... just to put that up there for you. However, People seem to like reading this blog... Yesterday i hit 50 new readers :) I suppose that is a sign that i should be more concerned with the content, but Will insists that i should leave it just like it is... i think you should let me know what your opinion is.

What would be real awesome is if this blog actually got somewhere.... if i could just blog all day and make money from it - that would be way too epic awesome. Then i could write more about things that matter because i would have time to read on things and then i would have time to actually put thought into the writing. Journalism in general would be truly amazing.

I would LOVE to be able to spend my days writing and editing and photographing and writing and inspiring and then writing and then photo editing and then writing :)

That's a true story... perhaps my biggest problem is that, while everyone else likes my writing, i don't really think it's all that classic.
just saying: I really like writing and i apprietiate the feed back i've been getting.
don't forget: if you don't want to leave a public comment i do love emails too (

I did what?

Yeah.... i don't really remember this past weekend much.  Don't ask me what i did because i can't remember.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


ok. really weird... but i just pooped and its smelt like vodka.  Maybe i drank too much last night. lol.

pink says screw you.

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you

One real BA bitch.

To start with - a) sry for the profanity, but life sucks and b) I mean: look up bitch and it means F***ing awesome.

and with no further adoo:

I would like to give a shout out to April Blessing who i really think freaking rocks.... no sarcasm.  I really really think that is one tough woman.  I suppose this entry isn't going to be really exciting but I just really wanted to put it out there that she is pretty awesome.  She's one of those women that takes shit and dealt with it like a man. (man meaning BA, not meaning douche)

I almost wish that life was a little different right now just because if i'd met April under any other circumstance i think i would really like her a lot.  I still like her because she doesn't put up with shit.  If she has a problem she'll put it out there and then she will give you a chance to talk.  I don't think i've ever met a girl with a better oportunity to hate me and then kill me.... and yet she is a real woman about it.   She has dealt with shit like women should, with respect.   Self respect and respect for other people will get you a long way in my brain.... not that she needs my approval, but she for sure has it.

Anyway.... like i said, this entry probably isn't real exciting but she deserves the shout out.

P.s.   note to April = i really do think you're a pretty awesome person.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Ever see an ugly flower?

One hope for the future:
World peace

Everyone will tell you that they want world peace. It is the thing that the peace corps focus on and so many people preach. I doubt you'll ever find a person who doesn't want world peace. What makes this so ironic is that while everyone wants world peace, no one will accept difference.

We're so judgmental of the people that we've never met and then we don't understand why the world is such a sad place. I worked a recovery event today. There were people who have been addicted to drugs or alcohol who were on the path to recovery. Many were dirty. Some where missing teeth... they were all people who would be judge by the majority of you. When a strange man in a woman's shirt decided to get up and "groove to the music", they all laughed. It's riddiculus how we all fight to avoid judgement of others but then we don't hesitate return the judgements. We are hurt when we are mocked and yet every day we pass judgement on everyone else.
How many times do you walk on the other side of the road to avoid the bum on the corner? How many times have i seen people look at their feet to avoid conversation with the toothless lady who doesn't wear a bra? They are people. They may be different than us, but even they need a stranger's smile.

It's not even just the strangers that we see. In our own circle of friends and our own families we are judging each other. It's one reason that i will never tell my family about the nightmares i've endured the past few months. It's the same reason I've hardened my shell. We don't know why our children mess up or why our parents are so embarrassing... most of the time it's because of the judgement that we are passing on them - it's their desperation to avoid it. How would life be if we could just accept disagreements and if we could learn to exchange simple gestures.
In church we are taught all about simple gestures, how many times have we really ignored our own comfort zone? I doubt ever.... No one acknowledges the modest girl sitting by herself at the bar. No one says hello to the black man in front of the liquor store. I've never seen a well dressed person exchange conversation with the blue haired, mohawked boy. . . What if we extend our acceptence of people? How would the world change? Just this week i heard a local politician, venting about the muslims. Who cares if they are black or indian or middle eastern? Screw you. He's the perfect example of judgement. Constantly bashing republicans or muslims or mormans or masons.... who is he to generalize so hatefully? How many more people would listen to him if would accept people? How much of a difference could he make in this world if he would push acceptance of judgment?

You want to make a difference in the world? If you can't learn to look at everyone as an equal you will never be humble enough to even change your self.

Hardship of love

" Don't worry, i wont stand in your way " says the one thing that is in their way.

Friday, September 10, 2010

note to self:

I have GOT to come up with topics.   I feel like my muse lately has been virtually gone..... hahaha. get it?  virtually gone.. i said virtually and we're on the web.   ahahaha.  But for real.
gotta keep my brain open so i can suck up some ideas.

Time for your candid.

Town square.

The point of my trip into town today was actually Party Central, in Carbondale, which is hiring right now. Anyone who needs a job should check it. . After getting the offer there I stopped by Tres just to have one of their famous Margaritas. Amazing. Tres has good drinks, but they also have an amazing location right on the square. accented by the coffee shop and co-op, the Town square is still absolutely breath taking in it's historic state.

The girl looked like a school teacher in her sweater and pearls. She fit in perfectly leaving the co-op grocer. At first glance she looked rushed as her phone rang and she had to juggle the muffin she was eating in order to not drop her drink in the puddle she was in the proccess of jumping over. When she finally managed to answer the ringing phone she laughed as she waved to passer byer that she seemed to know. As she continued along the brick street, lined with loft apts, it was just like a scene out of a movie.

photo=google find.

*just a note: Town square = awesome.


yeas and noh

Perhaps it's swahili for my butt and your face :)

Thursday, September 09, 2010

ps. check it.

I'm pretty stoked about the new design i put up today.  I feel like it's much more professional and clean cut. I wanted to incorporate a back ground but after i made the new header i decided that a background is for sure not needed.   While i was at updating i also added a new visitor counter.  With all the hits i was getting i wanted to know how many were repeat readers.  In the past day and half i have had 45 new guests... no wonder my count keeps going up.   I'm just not sure what i have to say that you all find so intriguing.   I mean i always just thought this was more of a inspiration and vent board... lol.   Who ever finds my life so exciting, i'm flattered.

You know, i suppose once in a while in life my heart aches... i suppose some sick mind enjoys reading about that.  I'm going to choose to think that it's some soul that can relate to the pain, but from some of the responses i've gotten, i know that the truth is that people enjoy reading about my pain and then blowing it out of proportion to cause drama.  While we can all get pulled into it sometimes when it involves the ones we love, i generally like to nip drama in the butt.  Hint the "screw you" attitude.   I feel like i have a right to think what i want and say what i want and if people don't like it than i don't really care.   I will probably continue telling myself that people like the designs and the inspirations . . . it makes me feel more like i have something to say and less like i have more than one stalker (because i've defently had more than my share of those in life)

Back to point and topic:  I'm pretty stoked about the new web design.

a little bit of smile.

I saw this on Door sixteen's blog and i'm glad i did because it’s kind of the best thing ever. I love Marcel. Best thing on four legs, even though Marcel only has two legs. Actually, she might not have any. It’s possible that she only has shoes. Which is all right with me.

a city road.

I would love to live in the city with brick building and cute shutters.   
These windows and shutters are BEAUTIFUL!

The Wreckers

The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine
You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine 
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache 
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone


You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 


Leave the pieces when you go
Oh yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 
Leave the pieces when you goYou're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine 
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache 
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone


You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 


Leave the pieces when you go
Oh yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 
Leave the pieces when you go

Just a girl.

In the words of:
I write this not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I know that it's not a straight path and i know that surviving is only a hope. My inspiration right now is stuck in my emotions. It's like writer's block except that the words are there, they are just stuck.

I've finally began to remember what kind of person i was. I've been so concerned with pleasing those around me that i forgot. Now the emotions that are flooding back consume me. One day everything seems so perfect and then that night i find out i've been lied to. It's all i can do to deal with each experience on it's own, little lone everything compounded. My entire life is a wreck and now i've realized that there is nothing i can rely on; not even the one person in this world that really means the world.

I'm torn between the pain and the determination and emotions. My heart is so tired of hurting that i can't even feel it anymore. The emotions have been ripped from the physical agony and i'm left with a shell. This pain, i'm not going to let discourage me. My entire life has been ripped apart and now i'm left with nothing to hold me back. It's a pain that is unbearable, but in a way it eases my mind to know that nothing but him can keep me from him. There is only one cure from this hurt, time will not heal these wounds. Only the person who helped form them.

You were mine(dixi chicks):
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone

Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name

I am yours(some girl sitting on your couch):

I suppose all i can do is wait and pray.
Whispers fill the air. 
People talking bout me and you. 
you say you don't wanna hurt me,
but you just turn your head and let the whispers come. 

I have nothing but time.
i'll wait all day and pray real hard. 
and hope that you will come around
just show yourself, don't play me along.  

I lay awake, prayin for you.
You have my heart so i'll wait for you.
just tell me who you are 
so i know what to expect

This is me.
I am here.
I will wait.
I will pray.

This is me.
I am here.
I will wait.
I will pray.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

forgotten unbrella

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”

 There was a time when i was in love with God. My life was perfect. I'm not going to give you some sappy story about how i was raised in a horrible home or lost my family - that's not true. I was raised with a perfect life. I was a good kid with a good family. I went to church every sunday morning, sunday night, and wednsday night. I was active in the youth group and i followed the rules. I was a good person and i could talk to God without being guilty of any horrible sins. I could rightly be self rightious. I hated it. I hated not being able to genuinly say my life was broken without God. I yearned for him and to be closer to him, but it hurt because i didn't understand what it was like to be saved out of the darkness.

God and i were close. I could hear his voice when i talked to him and I trusted him. After years of hearing his voice My heart was broken. It hurt more than anything physical, but As much as it hurt to have my heart broken, it hurt even more to be mad at God for it. Everyone tried to tell me to talk to him again. That's like telling me to love again. It's not something you just jump up and decide to do. It's a healing process. After that heart break I told God to go screw off. I could talk to him all day, but i couldn't hear him anymore. I couldn't bring myself to hear his voice after the pain it had led me to. I told him to screw off. The pain of hearing his voice again was too much for me to bear and i didn't want him around. He didn't leave. He didn't push me to hear him, but he didn't leave me. He just waited patiently me for to heal. He didn't try to comfort me. He didn't try to force his voice on me. When i reserved myself from the church he let me. No one chased me down, but they were still there. He didn't leave. He just waited patiently.

I'm still scared to listen to him again, but i know that there is no point hiding from him. In the past year my life has fallen apart with out him. I've done things that were as far from God as hell it's self. My entire life has been rightous and for once i can look at God as my savior, picking me up and not just a friend standing beside me. For once, i can love God as more than just a creator. I've always loved God. I've always worshiped him for giving me life. Now i can praise him for picking me up out of this shit i've put myself in. God doesn't give us a lifestyle just to represent him. He gives us a path to follow to save us from our own misery. I think about how screwed up i've made my life and amazing enough i still don't have a single regret. I am happy that i can relate to the world. I am happy that now, when i tell someone about Jesus, i'm not just some church bearing little girl. Now, im really am just another person who screwed up.

My parents are still going to judge me, so will everyone else. I don't really care because i'm just like everyone else - which means that God still loves me too. Who cares what i've done? God sure doesn't. If anyone else does care than that is their problem. i don't really give a crap what they think.

“God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.” Chester W. Nimitz quotes

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." ~C.S. Lewis

Hey God,
Thanks for screwing me up and letting my make a mess of my life. Now i can love you for more than just creation. Now i can truly understand your love more than i ever would have before. Thanks for giving me the time i needed to heal and for not shoving yourself on my heart.

Flikr finds:Tattoo #3

I'm really considering getting another ink. My only problem is that i can't think of something origonal. I would like to get a tattoo for every child i have. The one i'm most drawn to is a star. I'm sure i don't need to explain how a star could represent a child very well, especially a lost child. It would also be easy to get more with every child and it not look added on. My biggest and really my only problem with stars is that EVERYONE has a star tattoo. I suppose it would be ok if i could come up with an origional location. I suppose i will keep searching for something origional. Another idea was to get the star sign. I'm not really a believer of "signs" and all, but it is a great way to represent a child. With that said, i suppose i could just get a date tattooed on:


I suppose that would be simple. It would match the rest of my tattoos and it would defently be origional. It would also fit on just about any location without looking abandoned or lonely. It would also be easy to add another date under it when the next child comes.

I think i actually like that idea A LOT. I really liked the stars, but couldn't get over the un-orionality of them. This would be awesome.  Now i just have to figure out where i can put it that will look good and still be origional :)

I think i like the bottom left location, but i really like all of these. I'll probably avoid the wrist just because it is harder to hide, but outside of that one these are all high on my list of options.

 oooh... just found a couple more that are pretty close to exactly where i will probably end up:

If you can't tell already, This blog was DEFENTLY more of a brainstorming blog. Sorry if i'm jumping all over the place. I know this one isnt very well written, hopefully it's not too boring. lol

halloween ideas II

As i've stated previously, i'm going to be BA for halloween.  I've been gathering pictures that inspire the look i'm going for.  Black, tight clothes.  guns and tattoos. (though i will defently NOT being showing as much skin as the girl on the right....) 

te parta'

Oh i remember the days when my friend Aprille and i would have tea parties.  Our first one was elegant with elegant gowns and pearls and lace hats.  The second one was african and i do believe we had an asian themed one once.  Now i'm not a real frilly sort of girl, but every girl enjoys feeling elegant once in a while.  so cupcakes and tea was just what the dr ordered when i forgot how to be a girl.   and just a note to any boys who read:  if you want your woman to dress up and act like a girl once in a while, all you have to do is treat her like a girl (car doors and pulling out seats ;)  These photos from ohjoy's blog take me back to all of those lovely tea parties i've attended.