Monday, December 27, 2010

When i'm writing.

What makes you feel free? How do you feel and when do you feel like that?

series: find someplace beautiful to get lost

I found a super awesome picture : here
and i thought it was super awesome so I've been inspired to do a serious wrapped around getting lost in beautiful places.. . these were just the first two but i plan on making several that are not any play offs from the original inspirational piece

Merry christmas

I hope everyone is having a jolly family dinner with lots of food today.  

Don't forget to start working on your new year's resolutions.... less than a week til the unwrapping of mine :)  Hopefully i can come up with something good this year.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Hangar 9

Hangar 9 has now been reopened for a week and 2 days.  When i turned 19 the hangar was the hippy bar of southern IL.  It was a pole barn with a bar inside.....    during an ice storm a couple years ago, it crashed in but was rebuilt over the past couple years.   Now it is open again.

The building it's self is epic.  It has a nice stage and a nice smoke garden.  The upstairs has a nice lounge area along with a couple tables downstairs.  The problem is that it's too clean and modern for the kind of characters that it specializes in bringing in.  Its a beautiful building and people will adapt to it and therefor it's really not a problem that it's too clean.  It just needs a little breaking in.

While the building is awesome, there are two real issues with the new hangar:

A)  The bar is no larger than the bar cellar or pk (two one level buildings no bigger than the average college house or apartment.)  but has a building the size of a theater.  The bar just isn't big enough to serve at capacity or for the bartenders to comfortably move around.  You're left with slow service (and no one likes having to wait half an hour for a drink.

B)  2.50 PBR cans.    Some of the mixed drinks seem to be priced reasonably, but the beer is priced light the big city.... but we're in a small town.  It's 4.50 for a 6 pack of pbr at the liquor store but you end up spending 15 if you drink 6 at the hangar.  Bud light and other domestic beer are running average of 2.75, some of them are 3.50.  In a college town, over priced beer does not lead to better business.

2 problems:  no one wants to wait half and hour for an over priced beer.

The nice thing, other than the building, is that the crowd is still similar to the old crowd.  Things might change or not change, but i like the people that i've been running into.

I know that a lot of my friends will not return to the hangar due to the problems, but there are still a lot of people there that i do think are awesome.  I might not be able to afford to drink every time i go there, but i will still enjoy caffeinating myself and partying sober.  However, i doubt that there are very many people that enjoy that kind of thing.

So the Hanger has my approval, but i wouldn't mind not having to sneak in my own beer.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

old crush reflamed?

2006 I Started life guarding at the rec center.   There was one guy that worked there that was mature and responsible.  He was handsome and still very fun.  At the time I was still very anti-crushing.  Don't get me wrong, there were a few guys that i found cool, but i didn't actually like them.  This guy was a healthy built lumber jacking type guy with a very chill but adventurous personality and i had a some-what-crush on him . . . but I'm the kind of girl to chase anyone down.

I worked there for 2 years and and never got any signal that he liked me.... especially as he shared his feelings for one of our friends to me.  It was a little crush and i got over it.

The other day, about a week ago,  I was hanging out with that same dude at the new hanger (that's a blog that is coming up super soon if you want my take on the place).   We'd hung out the day before and then made plans to hang out the next night.  The second night, this guy tries to pry out of me who i like ..... obviously I'm not going to tell him that it could possibly be him just because he shows a little bit of interest in me for once.  Eventually he pulls it out me...... correction, he finally gives up guessing and decides to take a plunge and go for gold and asks me on a date.  Definitely not what i was expecting, but i was still very stoked about it.    

Then i remembered what happens when you get excited. ..... i don't get excited about boys because boys are dumb and emotions need to be kept in check.

summary:  He's a pretty cool dude.  Dating is a good time.  No point stressing about anything.  It's all just a good time. . . . but it's a positive emotion that he's at least half way interested.

Next topic:
After 4 years…. 4 YEARS… now he decides he is interested in me.  Over the past 16  months there have been several guys that I’ve known that tell me I’m getting hotter and hotter…. Or as this guy says…. “more and more attractive,”.  Thanks guys.   I’ve liked this guy for 4 years and now that I’m “more attractive”  …. Now he decides to take interest in me (i don't actually believe that's what he's thinking, but he's the last straw after every other guy)

I’ve basically been “married” and had a baby….. “attraction” doesn’t mean much to me anymore.   I face reality a little bit more bluntly now….    I’ll go on a date with this guy because he’s freaking awesome.   Just because I have a crush on him does NOT mean that I am about to let down my guard.... which is probably good anyway because i know he's not really interested in anything serious (which is cool by me)

So I’m just saying that over the past few years I’ve changed….. I changed my look and I changed my personality and I’ve changed just about everything about me ….. 

And NOW guys decide to like me.   Not just him (he's an honest guy and he's not going to lead me on or play me over) but more over the other guys that aren't quite so mature.  How many times do i get hit on randomly now that i'm different?  Screw shallow guys.  I’ve been hurt a couple times too many to start trusting them just because they now find me attractive.   I know I have a better body and a better face and I’m WAY more confident  ….. but I’m still the same person.

I like this guy, I just think it’s funny that NOW he would choose to ask me on a date.   Like i said, i don't think he is consciously hitting on me now just because he thinks i now look better.....  but this vent isn't just inspired by him but by the conglomeration of guys that have started hitting on me in the past 16 months.  

…… just saying. . .

i’m just not that naive anymore…..
Happy dating, just get over it.
I don't really trust guys in a serious way.
.... even if i do have a slight crush on him.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Characters. V.2

Formal name: Matt Altorfer

Torfer is one of my first real college friends that i met in college.  I met him my Freshman year in Carbondale and it wasn't long before i considered him one of my best friends.  He is the original occupant of the roof, where Andy resides.  Torfer and i share several common interest such as photoshopping, motorcycles, and chilling ... just chilling.

Favorite beer: Guinness and woodchuck mixed
movie genre of choice: psychological mind-bending thrillers/dramas
most used photoshop tool: "that's a tough one, burn tool, pen tool, layer masks...."
job title: professional business man?

Our last conversation:  Torf loves the color pink.  He also loves being crazy.   I don't know how many times he's ended up wearing my clothes.... my group of friends are wierd, i know, but that's why i love them.  So last time i was over he was going on about how he couldn't believe he didn't own a pink shirt since he really loves pink. That is why his most recent purchase is now a pink shirt.  

On the topic of pink shirts:  Torf pulls them off.  He looks good in pink shirts because he genuinly likes pink.  What drives me crazy is guys who wear pink to make a statement and not just because they like it.... back in high school it was a big craze.  "real guys wear pink" was a common shirt, but i hate that.  Guys who wear it in that statement normally look like jerks with their popped collars.  .... because of that, i'm really proud of Torf for wearing it and actually looking good. 

"P.s. I made this" by Erica Domesek

Design sponge's 2010 book gift guide  featured "p.s. i made this".... the cover was adorable and so i was led to check it out.

This was the first eye catcher:  Made with just panty hose and bouncy balls....  super cute.  She's even brilliant with her style: over done jewlry can only be paired with simple clothing or else it will just look over done.   and in case my cup of jo isn't enough to fulfill your morning reading you can check out the blog roll that Erica has in her book:

Check out her book: Here

I like: things that remind me of coffee

Most people who know me, know that i love coffee. . .   I'm not a black coffee, caffein addicted, coffee lover.  I'm in love with photos of coffee and the smell of coffee and coffee flavored things and coffee creamer (yes, i do NOT like coffee black unless its the really expensive super flavored coffee)  
I love everything that is even kind of coffee-ish..... so of course i love this power adapter:

I found this power adapter on Hardware sphere apearently it is roughly 30 bucks on amazon... which i don't think is too bad for something so awesome and super useful at the same time.

According to "It can supplies 200W continuous/400W peak from your 120 Volt AC power from any cigarette lighter socket"
I'd bet even non-coffee drinkers would love it due to the easy fit into a cup holder.
I know if the rest of americans are anything like me, eventually their computer batteries crash and then it has to be plugged in to work.... those people can even plug in their computer to this awesome coffee cup : )

And of course, while i don't like black coffee, i do like anything coffee related and i do like coffee creamer so it goes unsaid that i still love coffee cups also.  The new fad - plastic or ceramic coffee cups to go:

My collection of reusable coffee cups to go is now to two since WTS just got me one more that is pretty rocking:

That's basicly my coffee hi for this morning.
While you're drinking your coffee tomorrow check out my morning coffee reads at: cup of jo

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Hot stew, the girl i stayed with when i lived in FL, Came up last week for the holidays and there was no way we could all pass up hanging out.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

blogger shout out

While searching for bird cages (for my last post) i ran across this blog: rhonna designs.  From a super cute layout to way awesome ideas, this blog has already caught my heart.   This video came from the page and captures their style beautifully.  Check them out: here

google find: bird cages.

I'm a huge fan of bird cages.  i've always found them beautiful but i really think they are some where between rustic and vintage classy.  Whether it be off-centered on the front porch or on a bookshelf in the study, i think empty bird cages remind me of an escape to freedom.  I'm now on the search for a bird cage to add to my decor.

Text from last night

Monday night a friend and i decided to go out for drinks and ended up at a bar by the name of Global. It's a brick wall and chandelier type pub. With the dim lights and black wood tables, it has a very uptown, romantic, vibe.

Due to my cultural love and classy desires, i have been to Global on several occasions. The difference on this trip was the entertainment. The normally subtly exclusive music had been replaced by a "wanna-be, rap-ing, turn table". It wasn't quite my style of entertainment, but i was willing to stick it out and see what it turned into. To my pleasant surprise, my waiting paid off. It turns out that Monday night is poetry reading at Global.

There were multiple readings that, in my opinion, were more posers than writers... those were the ones that attempted to beep bop (the problem being that beep bopping is a form of black music and these guys were whiter than snow). There were 2 readers that both caught my ear... One went by Treesong. His was about the girl of his dreams. He did an excellent job capture the progression of their friendship and the things about her that catch his attraction. The other was a beautiful black girl who wrote about "texts from last night". She said she used a web site to compile it. Today, i googled the web site and found nearly all of it just as entertaining as her reading.

The overall reading wasn't epic, but i did enjoy the experience. It was your typical big city environment and that's not something you find very often in small town Carbondale.

As i've already implied, the "texts from last night" was the highlight of the reading. I feel you deserve a taste of my find online (warning: content is very questionable):

Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'

I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were screwing.

[voted best text ever by:  ME]
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

check out more texts from last night: here

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Character: Andrew Wiercinski

Formal name: Andrew Wiercinski

Origionally from the Chicago area, he has made himself a regular Carbondalite.  

Presently Andy is one of the habitants of the roof, one of the common chill-out spots for our group.  He used to be really young and innocent but has recently left his shell behind and became quite the socializer.  He was once the president of the skydiving club.... now he is just a skydiving fanatic.  Along with a skydiving vice, he is also addicted to the Cubs.

Place of employment:  Sears
Most often participated in hobby:  drinking
favorite songs right now:  "At the beach", by the Avett Brothers and "The way you are", by Bruno Mars
favorite day of the week:  tuesday (dollar night at pinch)
Super power of choice:  technopath
If one of your body parts became magnetic and you got to choose: Right hand.
Most favorite thing in the world:  Cubs.

So basicly:  Andy is addicted to skydiving and the Cubs but is still super cool.
(so i'm not sure why i picked pink for that font color, but i felt like it fits Andy's random crazziness *big smile*)

Happy dollar night.

Characters of loft-apt.

I wrote about a tailgate the other day.  I went with a couple friends and it was pretty much a blast…   However, when i was recapping the day to you i failed to mention who those friends were.  There were several in our group, but the captains of our crew were [the two coolest guys ever,] Andy and Dan Z. 

Because of them, i have been inspired a new chapter in this blog.:  characters of the loft-apt.  
look for the first paragraph within the next few hours.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

chic christmas decor

brown button
I love these over colorful christmas lights and the ornaments dressing them are perfectly placed.

celebrations at home  (shout out to this new blog discover of mine.)
Another lily white epic win:  she has a tree branch decorated with ribbon hanging in her studio...  and for the holidays i love this branch idea (above).  I think it might be a new decor phase of mine but i am really drawn to limbs being used in interior design.

apartment therapy
Ive always been a fan of clear ornaments... more than once i've filled them with paint for a tie dye look and the wrote on them and sent them off as gifts.  I love this feather idea - the peacock feathers are especially awesome.  and of course i'm all for hanging them from limbs ;)

Happy decorating : )

Sunday, December 05, 2010

ignorant judgment

My mother displayed her ignorance to differences and prejudgment of indifferences again today.  It was as simple as a brown bottle being a part of my new wind chime.  The chime is simple… it is two glass bottles (labels removed) paired with beads and decorated with ribbon.   It’s got a very hippie, eclectic look.   Hanging from the corner of my back stoop, it caught my mother’s eye as she dropped me off from church.  “That’s some very interesting d├ęcor”  I knew exactly what she was talking about…. She assumed that the brown bottles were beer bottles and I wasn’t about to make it easy for her so I played dumb, asking her for an explanation. She didn’t really explain but just said “those beer bottles”.   They may be beer bottles, but drinking a beer is not getting drunk and I assure you she will judge deeper than just having a bottle on my stoop.  I looked at her incredulously as I lied that they were cider bottles (the kind that she drinks regularly).  The point wasn’t to make her think that I don’t drink, the point was to prove that she was way over jumping conclusions. 
This isn’t much unlike when she came over a few weeks ago…. As she walked in my back door she muttered that she was so sad when her eyes swept over the champaign looking bottle on my table….. as she judged me I turned the bottle, revealing the sparkling cider label.  (proving to her that it wasn’t alcahol. 

Over and over she makes assumptions.  Again and again she passes judgment on things she has no idea about.  She is the perfect example of the rest of the world.
It amazes me that people could judge and ridicule without any research into the people they are looking at.  

Yes, I drink.  Yes, i hang out with low moral people.  Yes, I have tattoos and piercings.  No, I’m not a bad person and Yes, I still love jesus. 
I live a life to prove to people that differences are not bad and that normal people can still be good people. 
The world can judge me, but the only judgment that will matter is Gods.  

realizing how old i am?

As I get older, I realize so much.  The biggest thing that I’ve realized – Nothing can be predicted 100%,  nothing is what it seems, and nothing will go as planned. 

I look at myself even just a year ago and never expected that I would be here now.   I look at people around me and I see how different they are than I thought they would be.   I see people plan their futures – and nothing turns out like they planned.

I think the inability to plan the future is what makes life exciting.  I believe that if everything was as it seemed we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the ending.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

done hurting.

The first time my heart was hurt…. I went back to him.  I was hoping he was going to be a better man.  I was hoping that his apology was honest and true.
He wouldn’t back up his words with actions.  He couldn’t marry me or commit or anything proving his “love”.   I knew in the back of my brain that love was nothing without real actions but I wanted to believe that he really did love me.
Then he did it again.  He lied to me.  He deceived me.  He tore me apart. 
Now he wants me to give him another chance… “begging me” for another chance….. words will do nothing for him.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.   He’s lied to me about the same topic – TWICE.  Shame on me.  I will NOT do it a third time.  He doesn’t deserve to break my heart anymore.  He doesn’t deserve to fool me again.  

He is everything I want.   But he doesn’t love me.   Love is nothing without caring.  Breaking my heart is not love. 

Propose – call it off
Propose – call it off
propose – back it off
yell and humiliate and dehumanize me in public.
make a baby – don’t support me
and then lie to me and lie to me again. 

I am done being treated like shit.
If he wants to be with me, he can man up, get her out of his life, tell me the truth, chase me and chase me, and then propose in front of the world. – all without a guarantee that I’ll say yes.  MAYBE I’ll consider marrying him.  Maybe I’ll say no.   It doesn’t matter because he wont even go as far as manning up…. Little lone put his reputation and pride on the line.

Life sucks.   Suck it up.

I will figure out a way through this.  I will survive.  I will succeed. 
I will NOT love again until the day I say I do. 

If he wants me – he should have thought about that before he through my heart aside. 

parties..... or not.

Calli’s had a foam party this past Thursday.  It was promoted by SI drunks.
…. Ok.  Now I know why I write about fashion and vents.   I’m just not any good at writing about something that’s not exciting.  

Speaking of SI drunks and bars…. I’ve decided that I’m getting old.  I don’t enjoying going out near as much as I used to.  I’m sure part of it is the cold, but I just don’t get the same enjoyment as I’ve realized how dumb people in a college town are.  I’m just tired of trying to live.  I’m tired of constantly moving or being bored.  I’m ready to have a real purpose in life, something more meaningful than just talking to dumb college kids.  

Friday, December 03, 2010

3 things that I’m super excited about:

A) Lily White Designs.  
·      She is freaking cute.
·      Her style is freaking cute.
·      She has a great moral backing
·      She sticks to her moral backing
·      Her moral backing is loving jesus
·      She has a style that rocks
If I wear a shirt that has Jesus’s name… I wouldn’t be able to have premarital sex or get drunk in public or anything else that really wouldn’t make jesus look good.  . . . I shouldn’t be able to do those things anyway, but if a passer byer saw me sinning with Jesus’s name it would look bad on him…..  I love the fact that there are still pure girls living in God’s name daily.  I think it is beautiful and it gives me hope.  The girls that can rock Jesus’s name are my heroes.

B)  I can get internet at the train station (less than 200 yards from my house)
·      I can keep my social network flowing.
·      I can keep my blog update and moving forward.
·      I can keep my inspiration bucket full
I’m super stoked to be able to keep everything updated daily as well as being able to follow my blogging friends closer (which means more inspiration and more ideas which both = better blogging for me)

·      Actually having money
·      Being able to do things with friend more
·      Buy a car (ooh I hate cold)
·      Purchase better tools for my blog
I’m super stoked to have a job. .  If I get a camera I can take more pictures which always inspire blogging, along with I will have money to do things (which also always inspire blogging)  ex.  I can go skydiving or buy clothes to experiement with or try more “behind the bar” things (which also = more blogs).  So basicly having a job will = better blogging. Lol.  I’m really looking forward to getting somewhere in life. 

I’m pretty much having a mid-life crisis right now.   The good thing is that hope is shinning through.  Id gotten to the point I didn’t really trust god.  Not because of faith in general but because of the first heart break I’d ever had - - due to trusting god.   This time around, I’ve hit rock bottom – but this time around God has taken so many little things and put them in spots that I can’t ignore.   2nd heart ache – it’s a combonation between loosing a child and losing the father of my child… but when the barrel of the gun looms god took my fearlessness and then he gave me girls that I don’t really relate to and things that I could live with out and hope that I wasn’t looking for. 

It was love and heart ache that made me distrust god and it is love and heart ache that will make me love him all over again.

I’m not saying I wont mess up or slip back to be horrible, but I feel like I can love god again – I mean really love him.  After all, he’s all I have left.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

LilyWhite designs

Stopped by there today:  it is absolutely beautiful.  She just might inspire a lot of design in me.  

Her clothing style is rough, but yet simple and dainty.   It all reminds me of something you'd see on a fragile woman, but the fashion is bold and strong and confident.   I like it.  You can all look forward to seeing more of her in my blog.

check out her myspace:  here
blog: here

Take away love and our earth is a tomb

^^and this is what it looked like.... he made me feel beautiful, only to find out he was only dream and all a lie.

"I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?"

"I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was."

"You have to forgive to forget, and forget, to feel again"

"Now that I have loved so purely and deeply, I have realized how lonely I really am."

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

"There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel all right."

"Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him."

"Someday when you'll be sorry someday when you're free memories will remind you that you could have of been with me."

"I just hope to sleep and never awaken. nothing left in this world could replace what you have taken.... "

ps.: "Here's to the men we love, Here's to the men that love us, Since the men that we love, Aren't the men that love us ... screw the men... here's to us."

credit: squidoo

clothes that just don't fit anymore

I have a picture cut out from marie posted on my door… it’s one of my favorite outfits.   She is wearing boyfriend jeans and a jean vest with high heals.   It’s adorable and tough.   Now it brings tears to my eyes.  I know that I don’t have any “boyfriend” jeans to wear.  No more wearing his shirts with tights.  No more lounging in his over sized sweatshirts. 

He texts and it’s all I can do to refrain from responding.  I’ll not be pulling out any avril style outfits with ties or wearing his ties as belts.  I wount be leaving my half way unwanted, bleached shirts at his house for overnight stays and all of my shirts that I bought to be hot, now hidden under layers with out any witnesses to what they look like worn without layers. 

There are so many “boyfriend” looks that can be rocked.  I wont be the one rocking them for awhile… at least not with any guy’s clothes.  Any boyfriend looks I pull out will be with my own clothing. 

To everyone else (other than myself):  rock away because the boyfriend style will never be worn old.  It’s hot and intiment and sweet and tough all rolled into one simple, comfortable ensemble.  Rock away.