Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Not another boring?

When I sat down to write today I wanted something different than the normal blog. I didn’t want to write the same old diary entry or the ordinary journal recording. I didn’t want some heart wrenching poem. When I look around at my life I know that I’m just like everyone else… Everyone has their good days and the bad. We all wake up sometimes throwing ourselves pity-parties. Sometimes we wake up with confedience and then there are the days when everything is content. The days we wake up content we still see the extra pounds or the ugly curve. We still know how socially akward we are or how boring we would be without outside inspiration… but none of that matters. Today, I’m not feeling content. I still remember my ugly hair days and I still struggle to do the right thing and today none of it matters, but content is not the word to personify my emotions. Inspired is almost a description of today’s mood, but even that is just a twinge off. I want to change the world, but today I realize that everybody else wants to do that same thing. Today I just want to be me. I enjoy the worn out wood floors that embraces my living room. They need refinished, but I like them just as they are. I like my mismatching furniture. I found all of it in the dumpster and while the sofa is upscale, club-ish and the chair is plaid, old manish and the coffee table looks like something from an antique shop; none of it fits together but it all fits me perfectly. Today I want to push myself in my own direction. I want to perfect my own personality in it’s own individuality. Today, I don’t want to be just like or completely different from everyone else; today, I want to be however i really am, without any accord to the rest of the world.

chaneliers on flickr

I adore chandeliers.

the way they can make even the most rundown room into a mansion.

I love the way they can make a little girl's room her castle.

Chandeliers are much like pearls... I can wear Jeans and sweatpants and throw pearls on and everyone will say i look cute.
Chandeliers take any style and add to it a bit of class.
I could cover my walls in posters and magazine bits and paint the furniture with a chipped teal blue and throw in old, falling-apart chairs; when you add a chandelier to that picture, it would be beautiful. It would go from college teen to artistic middle aged.

patio parks

First off, is one of my favorite decor inspirations ever!

This picture is absolutely alluring. I love the casualness of a park and the way they brought this into their backyard is just lovely.

Here comes Christmas.

I’ve been watching the Movie “Julie and Julia” and the words they use are absolutely blissful. It makes me want to learn new words.
One of the words they used was “thrust”. It made me think. Who uses that word when talking about anything suitable for all ages? But now I absolutely adore this word. I’m going to begin thrusting it into my everyday conversation, along with many other breathtaking words : )

Ok. I am now officially excited to put some theme into this blog… beginning…….. Now.


Monday, December 07, 2009



Into your head, into your mind
out of your soul, race through your veins
You can't escape, you can't escape.

Into your life, into your dreams,
Out of the dark, sunlight again.
You can't explain, you can't explain.

Can You feel it, can you feel it,
Rushin' through your hair,
Rushin' through your head,
Can you feel it, can you feel it,

Don't let nobody tell you, your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try.

Pulling you in, spinning you 'round,
Lifting your feet right off the ground,
You can't believe it's happening now.

Can You feel it, can you feel it,
Rushin' through your hair,
Rushin' through your head,
Can you feel it, can you feel it,

Don't let nobody tell you, your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try.

It takes you to another place,
imagine everything you can.
All the colors start to blend,
Your system overloads again.

Can You feel it?

Don't let nobody tell you, your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try.

Don't let nobody tell you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Don't let nobody tell you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Don't let nobody tell you, your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Sunday, December 06, 2009

another life.

The pain of the ink embedding itself in my skin distracts me from the pain of reality.
The words permanently darkens my skin and I forget about the loves I’ve lost.
As each stroke penetrates, the truth of life seems more and more trival
It’s all so surreal and the piercing pain makes it all seem like a story

Friday, December 04, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

No engagement

Sat. Will informed me that he's not ready to get married... he says i'm perfect, but he's scared. So i gave him steak N. shake [the good kind] and i've moved in a ton of stuff, no he says he's not ready.
He was the one that asked me to marry him.
He was the one that called me his wife.
he said we were already married, the papers just weren't finished.....

now he says hes not ready to get married. How do you do that someone.... what about after we are officially married, what happens if he gets scared then?? Is he going to divorce me just cause he gets scared?

I'm scared.
Should i just leave him just because i'm scared???
I hope not, but that's the message he's sending me.

Sure, i want him to be sure before we get married, but he's the one that said there's no doubt in his mind that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..... that sounds pretty sure to me.

So he doesn't want to hurt me, little late for that. I took down every wall and every doubt and every insecurity and threw them away for him - then he does this. How could this NOT hurt?? i'm not sure how he's rationalizing this.

He knows that he's hurt my heart. He knows that he wants to marry me.... and yet he's letting his fears control his decisions... i'm not sure that i want to marry someone that's going to let their fears override someone else's feelings.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I love you.

all i want you do is hold me close and tell me that it will be ok.

Friday, November 27, 2009

another chapter of that book

The rules to dating:
I can get any guy anywhere, anytime. .. But that’s really not saying much, I am a girl. I could walk up to any guy and ask him to bed and he is NOT going to turn me down unless he’s in love with someone. But it’s even beyond just getting a guy into bed. I can make him fall in love with me. I’ve written this entire book on how make a relationship work. Some of it is from a girls perspective and some of it is pointed to guys. Some of it is how to protect your heart and other chapters are how to love unconditionally. When it comes to dating, there are so many things that could go wrong.. . but when you are talking about simple instincts, things get much better. Not every girl has perfect boobs or a nice round rear end. Some girls are somewhat physically challenged and some are anything but beautiful. But those are not the things that capture a guys heart…. Those things make it easier to catch his eye, but even the ugliest girl has the power to captivate his soul. We’ve always been taught that guys are visual, and they are. It’s not the color of her eyes or the size of her waist that he is drawn to. Physically, it’s the way she treats her body: does she put thought into her everyday clothes? Does she put time into her hair and makeup? Guys aren’t attracted to the round butt, they’re attracted to the well fitting pants that accent it. Guys aren’t attracted to the big boobs, they’re drawn to the bra that is holding them. Guys aren’t looking at nice teeth, they’re looking at teeth that have been taken care of. Physically, guys only think they are judging her body; they are actually looking at how she maintains it. A girl that takes care of her body and holds it with confedience in her own world has already made herself beautiful. But even those looks that she makes will only get her foot in the door – it’s only the first impression. After the looks, she has to maintain her thoughts. A girl who doesn’t trust herself or education herself, will not be confedient or smart. . . but if she does, she will set herself apart and draw in the man who is allowed into her presence.
Beyond that, it is being confedient in herself enough to make her own world.. A girl that can be whoever she wants without the dictation of the rest of the world will dumbfound any guy and that is what will capture his heart – not knowing, and not being able to judge her like he does every other girl, that will stop his breath.
It’s always played out to be something difficult, but a girls with her own show is a girl with everything she wants.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Happy birthday Katie

Today is my soon to be sis-in-law's 18th.... no more crime making for her

Monday, November 02, 2009

A meimor of my first post.

I looked back at some of my first post and realize just how much i've changed...
When i scan through other blogs i never find anything interesting, most of them are one post that the writer forgot about and let the weeds grow... When i look back through my own i know there are a few branches of time i seemed to hate writing, but i'm glad that i always came back because it is the first post that reminds me where i've come from...

Snowy has been gone, i got another chinnchilla that didn't last very long.
TP got a boyfriend and forgot about me - we don't talk anymore.
Cerrin and i still talk, but only once every couple months or so.
Hooper is still my face book wife and one of my bestfriends... though now she is married and moved to FL.

As for me: i'm still coaching a swim team, now the swim school director. I am no longer teaching, instead i've taken up bartending... i put in hours at the old rome in murphy and the cellar in cdale... I am still taking up random new hobbies and still more eclectic than any vintage shop. I'm engaged now... and not to Mr. Bear, i don't talk to him anymore. I've moved three times since my first blog and now live in a house on the most happening corner of Carbondale but am planning on moving once more once i'm married, this time to Murphysboro. I don't powerlifter or play rugby anymore and i haven't seriously skateboarded since Darren and TP.

I never would have imagined so much could ever change... My life isn't even close to the same life i was living then. But i suppose i'm still here and while no one really knows the truth, they all still think i'm happy.

Most important of all... the one thing that hasn't changed is that i still love God and i still want to change the world

Halloween 09 with Ashleynichole

Friday, October 30, 2009

I'm scared to love.

Things are too perfect. Just give it time, there's no way i will be able to make it. Now way.

Artist of the day.

Pink is quickly becoming my favorite artist. Her work is so authentic and honest and not sugar coated or dramatized... And she's a cool girl. She's so funny and i like the way she always laughs at everything. She's just pretty damn cool.

- She even has awesome style.. .sometimes she may show too much, but she wears what nobody else would even dream of... and she actually rocks it too !

Monday, October 26, 2009

Halloween 2009

The cellar bartenders are going with a batman theme... i'm gonna be catwoman.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ugly Wednesday.

If my teacher would stop contradicting himself maybe i would get more than 2/15 on my quizes.

attempt two: what's the answer to question number 3? is it A or B - make up your damn mind.

Hot Stews wedding video

Heather finally posted the video of her wedding : Here

ps. my hair is all over the place the entire time. lol

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Today i will not be terrified or niave

Some days I wake up terrified.
Scared of the future.
Scared of the unknow.
Scared of heartbreak.
Scared of failure.

Some days I wake up and know that everything will be ok.
Tomorrow will take care of itself.
I will learn with every experience
Hearts will heal and love
Failure is only new lessons learned and experiences made.

Other days I wake up and know that it doesn’t really matter.
Crap happens… it’s part of life.
The future will bring bad days
The unknown will sometimes sting
Heartbreak will happen
And I will fail.

But on these days I look forward to every pain and every experience.
If I never hurt it’s probably because I’m not living
And I don’t ever fail its because I haven’t tried anything.

So it’s these days that I wake up and smile.
I smile because I can see reality
I smile because I know it doesn’t really matter.
I smile because the sun is shining and the air is fresh and I am still different than everyone else.

Some days will not be today because today is my day.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Chilvary is not dead.

Today wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be, I rode the bus expecting today to copy yesterday’s bitter breeze and chilly air. It actually ended up being a fair day. After spending the last 5 min. of class waiting impatiently for our teacher to let us out late again I looked like an old lady doing laps as a speed walked to the bus. Just like my teacher, the bus was also late . It did eventually arrive and I waited patiently as people from the back of line filed on in front of me. I brushed it off but I was starting to think that everyone was looking out for themselves, then last two guys in line surprised me. They stepped aside “go ahead, I didn’t see you back there” I hadn’t minded waiting, but the respect these two lads showed for ladies left me dumbfounded. I probably wount see those kids again but I hope the respect they showed me doesn’t go to waste… I hope it will get them somewhere.

There is something very attractive when I guy opens a door for a lady, it’s even more attractive when he makes a point to do so. When those two guys put ladies first it was a gesture that made me look a second time. They weren’t trying to get lucky and they didn’t make a big show of it, but they eared respect and a half from me.

Monday, October 12, 2009

a new life for my mothers dress.

I have begin the alterations for my wedding dress.. So far: the sleeves are gone and the chest was brought out. As long as i don't gain weight i could be done. I may remove the lace on the chest so it doesn't come up to my neck and stops at the lace on the cleavage

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

a little bit of lovely

I love the soft look of the curtains next to the brick wall. It says "i'm upcity slick and feminin but not too frilly" I love the organized roughness of the room and the way it screams insperation.

*picture found on Design to inspire's blog

Sunday, October 04, 2009

fear untold

No one has any idea. I think i'm just gonna run away from it.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

to be con't.

April 3rd was the date set. When girls would ask me plans i never hesitated to gush... Will didn't take that very well. It made him feel like it was coming up really fast and he got scared. So now we are engaged, but there is not date set. He wants to just be engaged for a while.
Thats ok, but no more planning when he's in the room... i wouldn't want him to run away.
.... but i'm still planning, just not so obviously.

Girl's day

A day for movies, icecream, and nails
with The future sis in law, Kate, and Kara, a fellow lifecenter worker : )

Monday, September 28, 2009

an official love

He took my candy machine ring and gave me one that sparkles just a little bit more <3

a splash of red.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide and this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart, for i carry your heart with me.
ee cummings

......always xx

(brown button rocks my socks)

Monday, September 21, 2009

aluminum foil ring.

It was labor day When my boyfriend called me to join him on a small little road trip to cape.
We drove up to a little river side restraunte where we had fried fish and baked potatoes. We were almost done eating when My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and can't wait to propose but he can't do it yet because he doesn't have a ring. As he told me how much he cared for me the sparkle from the alluminum foil from the potato wrapper caught my eye.. "honey you know, there's some aluminum foil; you could just make me a ring" so he took it, formed it, and then proceeded to ask me to marry him.
My response: "i would love to spend the rest of my life with you Will Stephens."

Monday, August 31, 2009

A pretty picture.

One day this is going to be a spot in my office...

* Credit to Brown button

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Fell in love

We've talked about it, now we just have to wait for the time to be right...
i've found the guy i'm going to marry.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

loveheartsduh... soon to be engaged

4 months. it's been 4 months since hot stews bachelorette party. The night i met WIlliam Thomas Stephens.
I never expected to come out of that night with a serious persuer. Never expected to meet my future husband. But now we are talking about getting married. He is planning on a year, maybe 6 months. - i'll give him 2 months at the most. I know he's in love with me. I certainly don't think he'll make it that long because i wont let him sleep with me until then......

summary of Travis Tritt

Between today and yesterday.. my life is perfect. I have a job at the cellar. I have made it official between me and Will. He’s the perfect man. And we both get along wonderfully with each other’s family’s.

Today we went to his Grandma’s and then to the family party cabin. The one room school house was backgrounded by cornfields and a perfectly mowed yard and in front was a flag flying across a blue sky. As I finished shooting my first round of clay pigeons will’s arms surrounded me. Everything was perfect as the ribs grilled on the fire and the green grass was swarming with life.

Today I realized just how hard I am falling for Will and how safe I feel doing so. I think I just might be falling in love with him…. And it doesn’t even scare me.

Friday, August 21, 2009

a body of art.

I’m not one to let others be my compass.
I don’t wear the right clothes or hang out with the right people.
I don’t paint my face to fit in or smoke because it’s the cool thing to do.
I wear clothes that turn heads and I’m followed by whispers.

Some girls don’t eat.
Some don’t keep their food.
They say it’s caused by desperation to fit it.
They say it’s caused by media.

When I counted my pounds I said I was an athlete.
Everyone thought I was trying to make a weight class.

The truth was secret from everyone but me.
When I was a highschool freshman I took a bottle of Tylonal.
No one ever knew.
When I was a college junior I stopped feeling hunger.
No one will even guess.

They think I’m too confedient to care what they think.
But when my shirt is too tight they tell me I’m ripped
When my pants are too low they tell me that I’m sexy.
One more pound I drop, one more complement I earn.
People stare when I walk by and I could date any guy I want.

The pounds are fleeing and not one person knows what I’ve done.
How many pounds will I drop before my body rebels

I can feel it now.
When I wake up I am tired
Every pound I lift aches worse than before.
How many will my body give?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Mission mirage accomplished

OMW back. We have 2 hours down and only 14 more to go.
This has been one really long week and no I’m ready for a vacation. But it was a nice break from all the boys [even though Nathan and Will were both there] I didn’t have a bunch of guys asking me on dates or asking me to be their gf. I have come to a decision. I think pretty much all of the boys are really nice guys and I’m pretty sure I know what their intentions are. I don’t know what it is that guys actually want relationships with me. Even guys that have always been interested in fun laid back [and unserious] flings are actually wanting to commit to me. But, while I think guys like J thunder and Nate are totally awesome, I’m really not interested in being part of their lessons learned. I know they are capable of having a relationship, but I don’t want to be the one for them to learn how to treat a girl or persue a girl. I think Jessie is pretty cool, but ive already got A guy chasing me that I trust. I am not quit ready to commit to Will, but I am well on my way and I’m not going to lead a guy like Jessie on when I know that right now his chances are slim.
Speaking of will…. He told me something interesting yesterday. I was still practically asleep when I heard him say something but I was so asleep that I couldn’t tell if he had actually said anything at all so I asked him if he had said something. “ I said I love you Brittany Moore”
Woah. I knew he did, but I didn’t see that coming. And I didn’t know what to say back so I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Yesterday night and told me he had something he wanted to tell me but he didn’t want it to freak me out. “Ok. Let me get ready” deep breath. “ok. Lets hear it.” I wasn’t really sure what he was going to say. In the back of my head I thought it might be something about the early conversation, if you can call it that. The senerios were running through my brain.
“I been thinking about it all day and I think I love you.” Ok… Some how he had forgotten about what he had said that morning, I guess he had been asleep too. I sill didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I just gave him a kiss and then went back to what I was doing.
I don’t know how he could love me. I don’t know how he could know me enough to love me…. That’s the second guy in the past 2 months that has told me he loves me – I don’t know whats wrong with the boys! I don’t know what it is that seems to be driving them crazy. There are plenty of deacent and attractive girls that don’t have any boys chasing them, so why me? What have I done that makes me so different other than the fact that I am just plain weird [which as far as I can remember has never been a good thing or especially an attractive trait.]

Well, Hot stew was beautiful at her wedding [that’s now her name since we can’t call her hooper anymore. She was dark and her makeup was beautiful and the d├ęcor was so simple and absolutely breathtaking and then the whether was amazing and the waves were the perfect accent. The reception was just as beautiful. The star fish center pieces, blue silk flowing around them and accented by champaign and gleeful faces.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Baby for breakfast.

Heather crossed the line.... she didn't even just cross it, she ran full speed across it; she didn't even have time to see the line she was sprinting so fast.

We were talking about getting prego and i told her and Stacie that i wouldn't even know if i was prego because i only have my period every 2 or three months. How would i know if i was prego or not? Stacie pointed out that even if i got prego i would probably miss cary cause i party like a sailor in the winter time. But if i didn't even know that i was prego to start with, how would i know that i miss carried. Heather thinks that if it was in the first couple months it would just be a heavy period but if it's any later than that then i would probably have a still born..... you would be sitting on the toilet and woah,, you poop out a baby. That would be wierd cause then you would be like "man! i don't even remember having baby for breakfast!!!"

2 days until the wedding

Tomorrow is Heathers rehersal dinner and then the bachelorette party. And the next day is the wedding.
We made a bachlor party in a bag for her fiance,
Will is here and Nathan is here..... they're going with the bachelor party :)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Meet Stewart

the next addition to my family:
I adopted Stewy from Cerrin because she is going off to college and isn't allowed to have pets.

Monday, July 27, 2009

tomorrow isn’t yesterday

I want to fly free.
Free from all these worries of the world.

Wake up.
Clean up.
Go to work.
Go to bed.
Tomorrow it will start all over again.
And every day, just the same.
Some times I don’t work,
On those days I just be myself.
But at the end of the week it was all just last week again.

Wake up.
Clean up.
Go to work.
Go to bed
tomorrow it will start all over again.

When will it change?
When will my wings be opened?
I will fly above the clouds,
In a blanket of nirvana.

I just want to fly free.
Free from all these worries of the world.
Just let me be me.
Just let me be free.

Don’t tell me how to live.
Don’t tell me who I am.
Cause when I lay my head to sleep,
I’ll know just who I am.

I am free.
I am me.
And I will live my every dream.

No holding back.
No waking up.
I’m living every dream.

I am free.
I am me.
I’m living my every dream.

Don’t tell me how to live.
Don’t tell me who I am.
Cause when I lay my head to sleep,
I’ll know just who I am.

Tomorrow’s not yesterday.
I’m not living last week again.
I’m not listening to the worries of the world.

Let me be me.
Let me be free.

Tomorrow I will fly.

I am free.
I am me.
I’m living my every dream.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Now i wish i had a beer.

Today was Duiqoins first invitational and i got burnt.
We've had two dual meets and we won both [one against Herrin and one against Harrisburg] Now our head coach, Chris has informed us that he has a family emergency and he's leaving town for three weeks. So Me and Deann have temporarily been promoted to head coach..

This will be interesting.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

when will he figure it out

Brian just back yesterday and he’s already done it again.
I got so hot today. I put on hott cheeky panties and a matching incredible push up bra. I made sure my hair was cute and I cooked hot wings and his favorite dessert [brownies]. I cooked all while in those same sexy underwear….. and nothing else. I texted, trying to get him to come over so that he would walk in to me cooking in that oh-so-sexy outfit…. But he was already planning to cook something and so I couldn’t for the life of me get him to come over. He invited me over and I said “but then I’ll have to put clothes on” and he was like “ oh but then you can take them off again.” … really? He says that every time… you think he would WANT to come see me hanging out in my underwear, but appearently he either doesn’t think I’m serious or he just doesn’t care to see me looking like that. I don’t know, but I was so proud of myself for initiating yesterday and then today I got all done up and cooked for him. Now I’m sitting here in underwear that make me feel way too hot and eating way too many hot wings and junk food all by myself . . too bad I don’t have anyone to eat them with or anyone to see my over exposed body.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

bordom is ravaging my life

I miss waking up and having things to do.. and then being able to rest after it's all done.
Now i wake up on Saturday and i have nothing, no friends to hangout with, no pictures to paint... There are no friends, no hobbies. My life has become nothing exciting and nothing different! I've got to do something to wake up.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Emo isn't always black.

I just want to love again.

I am so worn out and tired of trying to love and being unable to.
I am exaughsted from needing for someone so much and still not being able to make them my world.

How can i want someone so badly and not love them.
How can i care for them and be unable to give them my all.

I just want to love again.
That's all i want.

Why can't i live again?
Why do i still cry myself to sleep on lonely nights.
I have a man, he's more than just my lover
so why do tears still cover my pillow?
It's all i want is to move on, to be able to live and love again.

but i love daisies

I have got to stop eating all these brownies or i'm gonna get fat.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Gay mirage.

Sorry to talk about such a worn out topic but today i was watching Ellen and she talked about Sara Palin and Gay mirrage.... yada yada yada.... heres my take on such controversial topics [sorry i can't spell]:

There is a reason there is seperation between state and church... so that we can have our free beliefs. I don't believe the church should embrace gay mirrage or abortions or drunkedness or any other act that is frowned upon in the bible or in their own concience. But i don't think any of it should be illigal. I understand that not everybody is going to agree with me or my beliefs... Some people don't believe in God, but i know that they believe that just as strongly and surely as i believe that there is a God; while i can tell them what and why i believe, i have NO right to tell them that they have to agree and i will not try and tell them all the reasons they should if they don't agree. If there is someone who doesn't believe in God or the bible they are in no way tied to the will of God. For any Christian to try and FORCE biblical morals on a non-believer is utterly ridiculus. That would be like me, an American, going to another country and telling them that have to follow United state's laws while they are still in their own country. If an Australian came to America they couldn't tell us Americans that we have to follow their laws... Just as christians can't force non christians to follow christian morals in a secular world. As a christian i believe Gay mirrage and abortions and many other well worn topics are wrong. As an American living in a free country i understand that not all Americans are christians and therefore think there is absolutely NO reason to band such things. There are so many rights that have been taken away from us in a free country, lets not add to that list. You may be insulted that someone is going to sin against God if you're a christian. You may be just as insulted if a christian tries to tell you that you can't do what you want just because it's against their moral [even though it's not against yours]. Look at the other persons shoes.. we are not always going to agree about everything, but we can let it be. Let people live their own lives and don't judge them for being different from you.

My personal beliefs are very right winged, but my social views are very left wing because i have my own morals and i am confident enough in them that i don't have to try and make everybody else think the same way...
I don't care if people listen to different music than me or where the same kind of clothes; it's their right as a person to be different than me and i will die before i try to make them conform to my world.

I want God to be my life

a summary of my last blog on cheesecake:

I want to love God like he's the only one i need.
I want to need him more than air itself.

Right behind God i need a man who wants me to love God
I need more than just someone who understands or accepts it..
I want someone who wants to love God as much as i want to love God.

It's more than just talking about God or believing in him.
I want a man who is going to call me out when i sin
and who will give it more than just a first thought when i call him out.
But the only way that's gonna work is if he has the same standards as me..

I want so badly for God to be my entire life,

A wise man once said that A woman should be so in love with God that a man has to go through God to get to her.
I want to be so in love with God.
I want him to be my every breath.
i want him to be my every want.

How do i love God?
My bf doesn't love him.
My bf doesn't even know him.

I can't have both.
I can't live two lives.

i feel like its blaspheme to even weigh the two options.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ellen Degenerous

I don't know if Ellen is classified as a comedian or not, but she makes me laugh harder than any comedian i've EVER seen. She is for sure my hero.

Today i made a dress

It's purple and green and blue plaid. Strapless and bunches on the side.
I'm sure some girls with black nails will say it looks like a pillow case.
but i don't care. It's mine.

My bookmark bar is filled with a translator and facebook and myspace.
I should travel the world because i know that no matter where i go ...
i'll wake up. wake up. and i'll know there's a party tonight.

I know some girls say i need to be a girl.
Other nights its that punk that judges me.
The boy next me is saying i look hot.
But he's just wishing
cause I'm not about to waste my time getting used.

Some guy is gonna buy me a drink. . .
He thinks it's helping him along.
But he doesn't realize
he won't realize.

Every night i go out.
Every night they look at me.
She thinks she knows me.
He thinks he wants me.

Every night I'm someone
but every night no one will recognize me
because yesterday is not today
and I'm not the same.

No. no. I'm not the same.
I'm the same me.
But tonight is not yesterday.
and i'm not everybody else.

It's purple and green and blue plaid. Strapless and bunches on the side.
I'm sure some girls with fake hair will say it looks like a pillow case.
but i don't care. It's mine

Officially moved.

I have a porch and a real kitchen! Two weeks until my birthday so i'm having a new apt party on that day : ) I can't wait to put up a hammok and a grill.

Welcome summer.


Monday, May 25, 2009

that rose is my insult.

Why would he do something like that?
I know he likes me, but i've made it VERY clear that i have a boyfriend.
.. He's making it impossible for me to be his friend.

Today he left me a rose on my door step: a cute gesture, and i'm still flattered.
That flattery is insulting to me.

If he likes me so much he'll pack up his stuff and step out of my life.
I thought we could be friends, but now i see that he can't do that.
I have a boyfriend and i'm not one of those girls.
I'm not the kind of girl to go chasing every boy that looks at me.

It doesn't matter how much he likes me.
It doesn't matter how charming he is.
I have a boyfriend and i find it insulting that he would chase me around like i'm going to respond.

Those girls that can't keep their pants zipped up: thats horrible.... i'm not them.
So while he's so concerned with chasing me; he's only giving me temptations that i'm not interested in.

I wanted to be his friend so badly, but he's not making it easy.
I can't be his friend if its going to put me in a bad position.
I can't be his friend if its going to compromise my integrity.
I wanted to be his friend so badly, but now i see that that's impossible.

When i am a year older:

2.5 more weeks:
I want my next birthday to be picturesque.

Go to a photo booth.
eat ice cream
buy a drink
sit at a picknik table.
take lots of pictures
go for a random walk down the street
have people over
play my music way too loud
dance like nobody's watching
make out
ride my bicycle

loving you isn't easy

I know i'm being silly.
I know there's no point in holding back my love.

But can't you see it's not what i know.
It has nothing to do with all my silly ignorance...

My heart just has a stronger will than my head...

You say i'm being silly - thanks a lot for reminding me..
It may seem silly to you, but i still cry myself to sleep on lonely nights.

You want me to love again, but my heart may not be ready for that.

In three weeks it will have been an entire year since the day my heart was crushed.
An entire year - you say that's way to long to hurt.
But anyone who has truly loved knows that heart break never really heals.

You want me to give you my heart, but you never saw the look on his face.
You never heard the tone in his voice...
and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER felt the pain of my heart.

So before you go pressuring me to throw around silly little words maybe you should understand that my entire life was pulled to shreds when he said i love you and then left me to melt. .. It was more than just hurt feelings, it was worst than death itself.

So before you think you understand and before you call it silly maybe you should know that the world could have flooded with all the tears i gave for him.

Moving this week.

My lease is up Friday and i'm praying for the apt across the street : it has a porch!!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I don't know that i even have my crap together.

Mr. Radio is a cool dude.. He opens the door and he has a real job and just put down on a house and knows what he’s doing in life, but I don’t know that he’ll respect my lines. He doesn’t seem to care that I have a boyfriend. He’s constantly trying to get a kiss and he even cuddled with me last night – Is he just trying to rip my lover and me apart? Does he know what that would do to me?

As cool as Mr. Radio is, he’s not worth Brian. I’m not the kind of girl to date someone but hold back in case something better comes along. If I’m with someone I’m going to be with them… No looking for something else to come along. Which means that It doesn’t matter how much I like Mr. Radio I’m not going to just drop Brian and move on to the next boy. I’m not the type of girl to dump one boy for another.

I don’t know where things are going with Brian and I. He says he’s not going to even think about getting married or having kids until he’s 26. I’m not going to date him for 6 years. After 1 [maaaaybe 2] years there’s either going to be a ring on the finger or he’s gone. But Mr. radio is ready. He’s got his crap together. He’s stable enough to support a family.
• Brian says that I’m asking to much to ask him to hold up to that… says I shouldn’t be asking him to grow up so young… says that he thinks he’s grown up even though he can’t support himself.
• I say that Mr. radio has his crap together. He’s grown up. He’s supporting himself. He’s ready to take care of a family..
• I’m not asking Brian to fulfill any of those requirements, but there is someone pursing me that does fill them.
So for right now I am with Brian. .. But his line is short and the end has already been foretold.
I love Brian. I haven’t told him yet. . . I thought I was ready to, but I think I will wait because I don’t want to be responsible for a broken heart and if the end is sooner than I thought I don’t want to give him false security.
I love Brian.. but Im not sure that that is enough.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

blue hair may be hot

My hairs done!!! :

It turned out really well... though my hair is 100000 X more brittle... but at least it looks amazing.

But that's not what i'm talking about today.
I went to Key west with Will last night. . His friend asked me if i like Will and i told him that it didn't matter because i already have a boyfriend.
Well Will is very persistant. On the Rugby night he crossed my lines which should be enough to ditch him right there, but Brian did too and yet he's still my BF. But I've made it very clear that i'm taken and yet he still asks for a kiss and while it doesn't bother me too much because i'm hard headed enough to resist, it does bother me a little because i feel like if i did give it to him it wouldn't bother him.
If a taken guy gave me a kiss i would feel horrible; even more horrible if i had been the one to ask for it.. I'm not one to stir the waters. If a guy is happy with his girl, i will be the last to mess that up and even more so if i actually liked him.

So while Will seems like a totally cool guy, i don't know that i will be able to hang out with him. I suppose it would be ok if we are in a group, but none of this picking me up stuff and DEFINTLY NO ONE ON ONE... I don't trust him enough and i don't trust myself enough to hang out with him by myself. Not that i don't think i could handle the temptation, but i don't even want to risk it because i'm in love with Brian and i'm not about to be unfaithful to him and and Will is my friend so i'm not about to lead him on or give him false hope.

Moving right along: today's my first day at Wal-mart Wellness center so i'm gonna peace out and go get ready.

P.s. Rats rock my world

Friday, May 22, 2009

color me blue

I'm dying my hair again...
every time is a new experience.

This is the first time i used peroxide instead of bleach and woah!
I took the plastic off and my hair was whiter than the notebook paper i copy my notes onto...
... i hope my hair doesn't fall out : )

Now the blue is in and i still have 5 more minutes to wait...
This last 5 is the hardest because i'm so ready to be me again.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I need him

Last post today: i PROMISE!
I just can't get him off mind, can't get him outta my head.

I called him this evening so that i could tell him i love him, but then i chickened out - it just sounded cheezy.

Dear Brian

I may not have been able to tell you yet, but it doesn't change the way i feel.
I love you.

I've been scared of something, unable to let go of the past.
Unable to let go of a promise that i made to myself because of a stupid story.

My last post said it all.. now i can let go because he's just another picture to burn.
I don't need him and if he decides to come back around he'll see that he's too late

I haven't told you yet, but that doesn't change anything.
I love you.

I don't know how things will work out in the end, but it doesn't matter.
I love you.

Dear Bear.

Picture to burn:
State the obvious
I didn’t get my perfect fantasy
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That’s you won't mind if I say
By the way

I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

There's no time for tears
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends.
And if you come around
Saying sorry to me
My daddy’s gonna show you how sorry you'll be

'Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

And if you're missing me
You better keep it to yourself
Cuz coming back around here
Would be bad for your health

'Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
In case you haven’t heard

I really really hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn


It is one of the most talked about subjects outside of the major contraversies [such as abortion or gay marriage]. I think we should just let it be... sure throw in a drug test here and there, but if they're smart enough to get away with it than let them be...
I don't do anything and i still beat the guys that do roids which just goes to prove that someone who is all natural can still beat someone who has assistance.
As for the common joe - who do people think they are that they can pass judgment on pro athletes?
I was talking to a dude in the gym yesterday and he was telling me that there is no way that Lance and Phelps are not on any roids... wow, i wanted to laugh. Who is he? REaaally? How would he even have a guess... just because they are breaking unimaginable records does NOT mean they have to be taking enhancement drugs. I broke the world record for bench by 20 pounds [unbelievable] but that doesn't mean that i'm on anything- in fact i could swear anything on it that i'm not doing anything.... i personally KNOW that i am not doing anything, but i know that some people will judge me just because i broke a great record.
Who do these amatures think they are that they have a right to pass judgement?

.. sry, just a major eurk that this guy hit on yesterday and i thought i would pass the insight on to you : )

tell me, do you think i love him.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

high off your sent.

I miss the smell of your skin and the sound of your voice. ... but i've got to stop breathing in your shirt or i'm gonna hyproventilate.

tattooed lovers

* This was Doug's background picture, i stole it from there

Tattoos are hot. I think cute girls with big tattoos are attractive - it shows they are confident enough with themselves to be drastic. I think guys with tattoos are hot.. It seems so masculine. I think two tattooed people making love is beautiful.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I love you.

I don't know if you will stumble across this, but i really hope you do.
I haven't said i love you, but i do.
I want so badly to tell you how i feel, after all you already know it's true.
I pray i will have the courage to open up to you.

Right now you're away and i miss you more than anything in the world.
I want you here.
I want the touch of your hands and the feel of your skin.
But more than that, i want your face in my hands and the comfort of your arms.
I want your voice in my ears and i want to look forward to seeing you everyday.
I miss waking up to your face and i miss arguing about little things like whether Toys R Us has full size guitars.
Right now you're away and i miss you more than anything in the world.
My feelings fight against my lips but you're not here and even if they escape it will be into empty air.

I count the day til your return.
Until then, i am missing you everyday.
I am loving you more every moment.

You may stumble across this or you may not...
but no matter whether i can tell you or not, i really do love you.

Odd jobs

I really need to be working, but pullium is broke this week... So now i'm putting myself up for work. I put a post on facebook saying that i will do your laundry or mow your lawn, i'll do anything you need [with obvious exceptions] I hope someone needs their bathroom cleaned.

It's 520 Am on a tuesday

I feel like the world spinning to the perfect song.
I feel good and the sun hasn't even risen yet.
It's not like one of those drunk mornings,
where i didn't go to sleep.
or a long night studying for finals.
No No. Its just a good day.

I have to breath in the morning due.
I don't need an ipod or radio,
no. no. I've got the song of the world spinning.
The Birds play the song of my radio.

I feel like the world's spinning to the perfect song.
I feel good and the sun hasn't risen yet.
I'ts not a dunk night or a long night of studying.
No. No. It's just a perfect day.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Travis Trit had it right.

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neigborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

I have to work at 530 tomorrow morning so i'm going to bed now.
The darkness hasn't even closed in, but i'm laying my head to sleep.
Good night beautiful, i'lll see you in the morning.

,.... Now if only my lover was at my side.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The words i have for him.

Words aren't hard to come by. The average college graduate posses 75,000 words in their library of vocabulary. But hardest phrase to express are three of the smallest, simplest words. Those three words fight against my lips.

I care For Brian more than anything in the world. I want to love him. ... I want so badly to love him more than i have ever loved anyone....

Once upon a time i loved a boy and I gave him my entire heart and the rest goes like this:

Because of you:
Kelly Clarkson:

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you

There are three simple words that would express the way i feel for my lover. Yet because of one stupid boy i can't let them escape my mouth.
It's not fear that's holding me back... Brian loves me and i know he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me, he would never break my heart. I am scared to death that i will break his heart and that does have some relation to why i can't tell him how much i care for him, but even that isn't enough to put bars on my words.
Once upon a time i fell in love with a boy and then i promised myself i would never let that happen again. I swore to myself that i would never fall in love again. Now i am living with a desire to tell Brian how i feel... that i really do love him, but i can't. Because of what i promised myself too long ago i can't escape the curse i put upon myself.

I do love him and i want to spend a really long time with him but i just can't get past that promise that i made to myself.

Three simple words.
Three of the simplest words in my vocabulary.
Those three simple words have the ability to put the way i care for him into words.

... and why can't i tell him?

too cute for words.

I really like daybeds. They really just look like couches, but they are so much cuter... I think i'm going to trade in my boring coach for a day bed.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

sound of the music

Today i realized just how much i love color and home.... All of the blogs i am following are either fashion or interior design. I love everything so different and i want to be every picture i see... : )

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day 4

Signs dott the streets "Honk, we survived". The finals have been cancled but some buildings actually have lights now. I can see the rec center lights from my apt and you can see the glow of the strip from several miles away. Boredom has begun to gnaw, but tomorrow i will start back to work

Monday, May 11, 2009

Day 3

Last night i had the warmth of his body to keep me safe as we went another round with out electricity. There are a very few places that have electricity restored and few that have plugged into generators. Today we will grill again and drink some beers.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Day 2

They are now saying we will have electricity back by tue at midnight. I'm kind of enjoying not having work or school. I've got bread and everybody and their brother is grilling out. . . . What else do you need? Though i will admit food is getting a little low.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Day one

Today is the first full day with out electricity. As i'm writing this the smell of liquore still lingers on my breath from last night. Yesterday people decided to use this outage as a vacation. Everywhere i looked there was someone waundering the streets and well past the curfew time my fraturnity friends were still partying hard.

Last night the entire town was dark. Not a light to be seen. Some people on the other side of town built fires and you could see the lights speckling the streets, but as i walked home the darkness enveloped the city.

Today, 10am has already struck and there is still no sound of people stirring outside. It's like a gohst town. I'm sure everybody is inside recovering from the parties last night.

They are predicting 2 - 14 days before lights can be turned on... this will be a fun 14 days.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Hurrican SO ILL

High winds beat the side of my apt and the shingles from our rooftop beat down on the cars below. This is an epic storm. When the tornado sirens go off i cant contain myself and i grab my camera. Most the damage is already done, but the wind still whips the leaves from the ground and inspires my hair. I catch 1/2 min on tape before Brian takes the role of my mother and physically carries me back inside. My anger rages like the storm outside and my words are short " i'll just wait and use my parents laundry room" the sentence is filled with bitterness. The next 15 min are spent in silence and as the storm begins to calm he reaches for his keys. I don't stop him, if he can't treat me like an equal adult than i don't care. Now i'm free to travel the streets in search of photos to capture.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Mr. Scooter

* This dude used to hang out at the pavillion with all the homeless dudes, he would always tell the others to shut up and leave me alone... funny dude really.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

ready and go.

Lets paint the town pink, and remember our chapstick.

Old loads 2009

The weekend is freaking awesome! of course, we all know that the game is never the highlight for rugby - last night was the pub crawl... I was the only girl in my team and they were all cool, but one [thumbs down for him] I posted on my private blog, but because of questionable content i'm not going to post it here... basicly the night rocked.. I had a little lot to drink and everybody's rockstar costumes were freaking rocking [the guys' theme was togas.] I had a few too many guys trying to get in my pants, but i only had to kick one of them in the wiener... and then he finally got the hint. Today is the game, i'm gonna go get them some cookies.

I Freaking love rugby

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Extreme moderate

My father always said that moderation is the key to everything. That has been my life’s motto.

In our society, the only people that fight are extremist.
Pro life V Pro choice, War V peace [that’s an ironic one because of all the fighting it causes]
I like to call myself an extreme moderate.
I refuse to tell people how to live no matter how confident I am in my beliefs, I will NOT tell someone else they have to live by my concience.

In our society, it is difficult to defend yourself as a moderate. People from both sides constantly try to persuade you, always pick-it-ing at you – how do you live through it with out a strong [extreme] argument to defend your side?

Blessing of the bikes

The sounds of thunder rumbles through the forest. But this thunder will not be followed by rain. It's the reverberating song of bikes, thousands of bikes. The sun beaming down, the White cross towering over.

Today was the blessing of the bikes. There was quite the turnout as we passed rider after rider after rider. The blissful breeze made the day perfect for a ride and now i am more pink than peach. The sun colored skin on my arms is a it more tender than i would prefer, and the ride was beautiful.

Friday, April 24, 2009


real words.

I love you.

Something about all the colors and layers and textures and putting them all together to get something that is new and fresh and uniquely you [wow, that was cliche, lol] It's kind of like Music, its an art of expression that screams to be released.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Not a break from you.

I am worn out. I am exaughsted.. I am just ready for a break..
A break from it all... I need to get away from it all. All the misinterpretation and "talks".. I am tired of constantly going and going and i am tired of having to defend myself.

I said i needed some time... That means that i need time by myself, time to do what i need to in order to figure out what i want and what i need. I need to figure out who i am before i am ready to have a boyfriend... I don't want an empty relationship so if i can't put my bf as my top priority than i shouldn't have a bf. I tried to explain to him that i just need some space, but he still tells people we are dating... I love him but in order to give what he deserves i need the time to get everything out of system and figure out if i'm actually ready for the responsibility of another person, but he doesn't understand it...Everything is just like it was before we had the talk... I want him to be my friend. I don't mind if he spends the night with me [i've done that with friends when i was single] and i don't mind hanging out with him, i just need a break from the title and the formality. I love him, but thats why i need this break.

I know he's gonna read this, i hope he doesn't..... but i'm just worn out from trying to make things sugar coated for him. I need a break. i don't want a break from him, i want a break from the title.

love sex magic.

She has such a voice..

Monday, April 20, 2009

A party of girls

The last thing on the to-do list is 50 numbers on a solid skirt. The "Bride & Co." Logo on the bottom titled the numbers that dotted that oh so short skirt.

Lets go back a few hours:
The night started at the apt. Heather and her enterouge of females had shots with titles that shouldn't be said in public and layered on party favors and fund raisers.
Covered in Candy jewlry and 'dimond' rings we headed for Keywest to Kereokee. After a few more drinks and one really off tune song we made our way to stix on the strip. The younger guys that filled this bar weren't too smart with the drinks but we got in one really too wild dance and a few too many after hours invites.
We spent a round of minutes there before the last drink calls were made and we headed back to the apt. From the few dozen people we invited over i didn't think a single one would actually accept, but when we arrived there were already half a dozen guys waiting. With my bar i made a few drinks and a round of shots as another dozen guys showed up. After glasses were filled one dude named Justin requested a walk and i abliged. At the end of the block i ran into a guy from the rec. .. There were 5 or so guys with him and they headed over to my place... The dude from the rec, Scott kept tell me how "freaking" geourgeous i am while the dude from Kereokee [will] wanted to hold my hips and the dude at the bar just wanted to share another drink with me and the guy on the coach challenged me to a push up contest [i don't even know who that guy] Heather bonked out and then left me as the only girl there. It wasn't long before Damien showed up causing the tension to go about 5 x. Everyone was talking to crap to everyone and i felt like a piece of meat as they tore each other up over me... Their empty words actually amused me. Will was probably the first one to peace out. After that the party kept going. I don't really know who any of the guys were or where they came from or how they got there. But the party was quite the talk. It was about 5 before the numbers were down below half a dozen and Damien took the charge of kicking everyone out. The popped baloons scattered the floor and empty liquor glasses covered the bar.

The next day i had several dozen text from randomness and as Heather, Stacie, and i headed to our dress fitting, the liquor in our stomaches lingered with dizziness..

It's funny to think about how much drama boys will bring when a short skirt is present, but still the night was good.

Receipt of the night:
Heather: 10 dollars from suck for a buck [from a three fingered dude]
Me: 20 dollars for a make out and 3 dollars from suck for a buck.
... She defently did her share of whoring me out. lol.
A good time: priceless

Heather's Bachelorette party is defently the highlight of the town this weekend.

This ones to Liquor, short skirts, and a wild night out.