Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Closing

This is my last Blog of 2008 and so i thought i would reminise:

My spelling is no better than it was 5 years ago but my writing skills have improved dramaticlly [i like to think].
I have learned A LOT . . . i've probably learned more this year than i have EVER learned.
Nearly every friend i have, i made this year. . . and the number of people from H.S. that i am still friends with can be counted on one hand.
I had my heart broken, but i learned from it.
the rough outline of my book, the rules to dating, is finally done
I gave up powerlifting, just kind of grew out of it, but now i'm planning on getting back into it seriously.
I quite first real job, at a child care center/preschool
I love my lifeguarding job at the local college.
My first real room mate bailed on me and left me with some random guy in her stead.
I bought my first vehicle: a motorcycle
then i got my license to drive it.
Rugby, i discovered, is awesome.
and i really like my first college b/f who is, right now, home in NJ for break.

Now i'm just going with the flow. What ever life brings me is totally awesome - that's the life i've taken up this year

As for 2009 new years resolutions: I'm going to save those for the first blog of 2009

Ryan Jones

Sry the quality of this video is so bad. but Ryan Jones, and the rest of LoCashCowboys will be playing on Fox News Plaza tonight starting at 10 ET to bring in the new year.


The world gives us so many rules and laws, each culture has even more than that to bind us down. How many times have i heard "oh if he did that than he must not be a christian" or "No one who really loved god would do that" but who are we to judge? Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Especially outside of christianity - My mother thinks she can tell a non christian that they are sinning by participating in homosexuality or adultry or abortions. But how could i ever force the laws of my bible on to someone who does not believe that book? If i am an American in the United States of America, than would a Roman be able to come to my home and persicute me for not following the laws of theirs? No, I am an American in my own country and therefor the laws of another's nation do not bind me. So why would the laws of my beliefs bind anyone from another? I do believe my God and i do worship him. I give praise to him and i believe he is the only true God; but i understand that a buddhist just as passionately believes their word and a hinddue, thiers and a muslim, thiers. Therefore, who am i to force my God on them? I can tell them what i believe but it is their own concience that will save and damn them and i will never take the duty upon myself to damn anyone for i am just as sinful as them and the next.
Once they obsessed over relics and indulgences, today the common christian will confidently say that this is wrong because it is not God that they are trusting. Today, the common christian worries how others will see us and they pick and choose who they will whole heartily love and then judge those who do not choose to live as them; this is just as bad as the sin of the past and yet they are so self rightious of themselves.

But it is not only religions that will attempt to force their laws on another. Every person has their picturesque image of the "right person". Every person with a mohock is seen as rebelious, "Punk." Every person who has rejected color is seen as troubled, "gothic." Every person who downs candy beads and colored nail polish is seen as a druggie and dramatic, "Scene. The "normal" person is to wear clothes like everbody else, jeans and a tee, something blending. With those expectations who has not been judged? Even the "normal" person is judged by those they rejected.

We will never have world peace because we will never. NEVER learn to accept those that are different than ourselves. The day we learn to accept others as ourselves will be the day we truly understand unselfish love.

Luther was a man unlike others. He could see the truth of life. He understood. It's not about laws and it's not about religions. The heart is the only thing that will ever decide our destiny. It is the only thing that will decide our fate. The only right and wrong is love and hate. The only thing we will ever be judged by is our heart. But that said, is it always our heart that drives us and pushes us. Therefor, Love was is right and do what you love. Now if only every person understood that, hate would be of the past and war, only a memory. You can choose to hate and you can choose to judge. In the midst of your judgments remember that your heart is what you yourself will be judged by.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

One day,

I'm gonna get outta here. Not that i dislike where i'm at, but i am ready for more. I want to live out of my comfort zone. I want to see what i've never seen and do what i have never experienced. I want to push myself beyond what i am actually capable of and grow from the fall.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I'm sitting here in my room. Serounded by clothes and junk and hobbies. And in the midst of cleaning and sorting out junk i came across a folder. Dancing unicorns and smiling moons signed my junior high years and covered the tattered file. The papers in side bulged from the edges, letters from best friends and boyfriends and crushes. Some were filled with gossip of the latest couples and weekend plans, others held pursuits from wanna be lovers and boyfriends. One letter was joined by an envelope, yellowed by age and signed by scrawled letters that obviously belong to guy. Another was typed, something that only one boy i know would have done. I found one that was filled with concern for my eating habits and one that spelled out obvious suduction. There was a card with artistic well wishes and one with a happy little lion.
As i looked through the vellums there were so many memories; but through all of them, not a single memory that i would regret or wish to relive. Some held lessons learned and some held feelings that everyone has had but those days are gone and past. The good times and the bad, i have become who i am because of them and now i don't need them to continue on this path. I don't know why i held on to the memories, but now i am letting go. The letters that hold so much of past hold no value to me. Those are letters from people that are no longer in my life, whether we grew apart and fell apart, there is a reason that our lives are no longer crossing. So i will let go. For what ever reason that i held on to these, that reason is past. The memories and joys that are held in these jr high notes are past. and i'm ready to move on. I enjoyed passing the notes from one person to the next across the sea of students and to the shore of a friend. But now i am ready. I have grown my wings and i have become who i am meant to be. I can't hold on to the past, the past of walking, i can't hold on to memories of walking if i ever dream of flying. So here's to

Dr. Horrible

- Seriously amazing. right!

Friday, December 26, 2008


I bought a paintball gun today. . Now it's on.

Brian is a fan of the sport, says he's gonna teach me the tactics. . I can't wait til i take him out [ok, he'll probably be taking me out] . . but either way, i can't wait to go play!

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I just realized that new year's in in a week. . i guess i need to start on my new years reslolutions

Christmas day

The traditional christmas day. I woke up to blueberry pancakes. We opened gifts and now we are all just sitting around laughing.

There are so many things that i want to do now:
Road trip with my new saddle bags.
photo edit with my new brushes and tools
Swim in my new awesome zip up suite..
Practice the violin with the sheet music.

. . But i really just want to see my boyfriend again.

He called me this morning at midnight and it made my day. I may have been sleeping, but i would wake up at any time of night if it meant getting to hear his voice. He seems to be enjoying his break, but i really just can't wait to spend time with him again.

There is so much to do next week after everything opens back up, but right now i am enjoying to wasting time.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


vlogging, glogging, blogging - i don't know what it is, i just like it all .

Gloggster is one of my first fancies and now i'm taken to it again

Bras and panties. the new age

I am a pretty big fan of cute bras, like any girl and matching bras and panties make me feel sexy even though no one is gonna see them but me. When i was younger and lived at home, my mom always bought me white underwear and white bras, sometimes she would go to the edge and let me pick out something pastel pink or pastel blue. . but never anything too exotic. Once, i picked out a pair of lacy granny panties and the first thing she said when i held them up was "oh, no no. . no thongs" As if feeling hot would be a bad thing!

Now i am finally stepping out side of those old rules and throwing away ever last pair of white underwear and nearly all of those "oh so modest" white bras. . . I want to feel hott even if i know i'm not gonna look it.

Once, feminist burned their bras. Today has brought a new era about. Today is an era of embracement. Bras and femitism are no longer signs of weekness but of strength. Beauty is now a sign of power. Once, bras were burned; today, they are embraced - even enhanced.

Ok. so really, i just like them because they make me feel hot. It has nothing to do with the history behind bras or the image others get from them. They make me feel like a super model and they make be feel beautiful.. . And in this bra, who wouldn't feel like a princess.

Monday, December 22, 2008


1 cup all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter, melted
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour and the eggs. Gradually add in the milk and water, stirring to combine. Add the salt and butter; beat until smooth.
Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each crepe. Tilt the pan with a circular motion so that the batter coats the surface evenly.
Cook the crepe for about 2 minutes, until the bottom is light brown. Loosen with a spatula, turn and cook the other side. Serve hot.

La La Land

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wind chime

I've never noticed a wind chime before.
Sure, you see them sometimes and hear the noise. . . most often in the middle of browsing the isles of local shopping centers.
But i don't think i've ever just been sitting somewhere and thought "oh what a beautiful noise that wind chime is making"
Now, it is 12 am and i am laying in bed at my parent's house when i heard the music escaping those medal bars. I can't see it and i don't know what kind of animal or shape is decorating those chimes, but the music is so subtle in the winter breeze. Normally the noise brings back thoughts of summer, but in these chilly days i imagine the ice siccles that will embed the noise through the days to come and apprieciate the slumber the music helps envelope me with

You're a butterfly,

a caterpillar's dream to fly

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


When i was single i knew who liked me and didn't, but it didnt' really matter to me because i didn't mind be single... . I took comfort in being single because i knew that i didn't have to worry about heart ache or complications. No one ever acted on their feelings and so it was just me and my boys and we didn't have any worries. Once in a while someone way below expectations would grow balls but i didn't feel bad saying no because i was happy.
Now i have a boyfriend and all those guys that i knew liked me before seem to be oblivious that i am happy. Some are more subtle with "i met an aswesome girl that almost caused me to rethink not dating" and others are not so subtle like : "So i guess it's too late to ask you on a date then" . . . uh. yeah. duh. Why would they even throw that kind of confusion on me!??
But i am happy. I like my boyfriend. It may have taken a couple moments for me to get used to that, but i do like him. I'm not used to being off the market. . . Normally i can just ignore a guys crushes on me and treat him like i would any guy friend and he would never make any moves and i wouldn't have to worry about him. But now things are different. I have a guy and they know that. . and not only that, but i like him too.

I am not sure what kind of desperate last throw they are making, but their chance of rejection is 100 because they had their chance. . . I have been single for 3.5 years and they never made a move. . their chance is over. Now i am happy - don't mess that up for me.

12 months

The past year has brought so much change.
I guess it's not so much that i've become a different person so much as i have finally started to become who i really always was.

Everything i am, i always was. It was just controlled in that guinni pig ball that those around me told me i had to stay in.
Oh i tried to break loose. I was just as big of a rebel then as i am now. I tried to escape the expectations and normalcies that those around me made.

The past twelve months has built callasus and walls and hard shells that i never knew could exist, but i have learned to fight and persevere. I have experienced so much that i only thought i understood.

Still now. it has all showed me how much i will never understand. . . even about myself.

I have lost friends that i thought would be here for me forever and i have made new friends that i know will leave when the time is right.
Each of these people have helped chip another piece of paint off - uncovering another inch of this masterpiece that has been covered up.

Maybe one day i will be able to sit back and look at myself and know who i really am, but right now i only know that i am God's and that when this mess has all been removed and his creation is allowed to show bright i will be beautiful.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


"Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

old passions

I have one passion that will never fade. The flowers may fade and the grass may whither but the word of our lord will stand forever.

But that is the only one. Every other passion seems so dim, so impossible. I have my share of hobbies that i've taken up. . . Violin, skateboarding, pool, rugby. . . The number of times i've taken up new hobbies is uncountable and the number i've actually excelled in is a high number of 0. I want something that is more than just a hobby. I am tired of just filling time. I want a life, not just a hobby. So many things i've taken up and for what? I push my passion into sports and hobbies but it's not enough. My passion is too big for just an ordinary sport. I was made to change the world and that is the only thing that will ever satisfy me.

Rock Band

The reason that i like him

I like the way he doubles over when he laughs,
the way he pulls me close and holds me tight,
doesn't stereo type me because of those like me,
shares his beliefs even though he knows i disagree,
Kisses my forhead,
touches my skin when i'm asleep,
Is confident in what he wants,
Doesn't push my lines even though i tempt him,
Doesn't understand why i stare at him,
says K. Hi when i say K. bye,
always there, waiting to see me again,
I like the way he is head over heals for me.
The way he doesn't tell me how i could have done things differently, but just listens.
He thinks i'm such a girl and not a masculine butch.
He's not intimidated by me.

But i'm sry. I'm still scared. I'm scared for him. I'm scared that i may break his heart. I'm scared that i'll lead him on.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

My love and my lover

Love is everything that our worlds revolve around. What is your love? What is your greatest passion? Everyone has one, because with out it life will not go on.
The second thing, the thing that keeps our world revolving is having someone to share that with. But what if the other person, your other half, your consort doesn't share your greatest passion.
How can the world revolve and keep revolving? How can your worlds fit together? How can you make the most of what has been given to you? . . . When the one you are with doesn't share your greatest passion, doesn't support it, doesn't strive to better you in that passion? You may be great now, but imagine how you could change the world if your lover and your love were shared together. Imagine the effect you could have when you have the one you love behind you, pushing you on towards your passion.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

love letter to no one

I don't want to go to bed because i don't want you to leave. Stay here with me in the dark. If you dare, hold me close. I want to be in your arms, i want to feel your embrace. As you sit there next to me i want to feel the warmth of your skin.
But i can never tell you any of this. When you ask me why i don't go to bed i let silence be my answer... and i think you know. But you don't say a word, don't pull me close. You know, i wouldn't shrug away if you tried to hug me. I wouldn't reject you if you were to tell me that you liked me.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dream Big

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain sill soon be gone.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on,
But when the troubles come your way.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes,
cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile be sure to smile wide, and
don't let them know that they have one.
And when you laugh be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all
around and in yourself, and it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to
help to carry on when the troubles come your way.

-Ryan Shupe


I don't really understand why i'm so different, but i am. And i know that the reason people take a liking to me is because of this difference. Sometimes it makes life hard, but i think the hard times are worth the final result... what ever that may be. I know that God has made me for something so incredible that i can't comprehend right now, and when times get tough i remember that.. that promise he made to me.