Thursday, May 22, 2008

Don't you have faith, we don't serve a maybe God

"Why do you say Maybe? Don't you have faith, we don't serve a maybe God."
Sarah waited 90 years or so. I can wait a few days, weeks or months. Waiting on God. Waiting on the Lord. Trusting in the Lord and his promises. Believing that he is faithful and will provide and is powerful.

God gave a promise to Abraham and Sarah. One day God shows up with two angels to talk to Abraham and proceeds to say that he will be back in about a year’s time and Sarah will have her promise. Hiding behind the tent Sarah laughs, “Me? Have a son? At my age? Yeah right!” (For she was past her child bearing years) the Lord asks Abraham why Sarah laughed. I can imagine Abraham just kinda shrugging, saying “I dunno, she’s given up on that dream.” The Lord repeats everything that Sarah has just said to herself, and asks “Is anything too hard for the Lord? Sarah denies that she laughed. But the Lord replies to her, “Oh, but you did laugh.” (I’d forgotten how fun the Old Testament is. It’s kinda funny!)

I will not doubt the lord. Over the past year i have done my share of laughing but i am through with that. There are no maybes or what ifs. God gave me a promise and i will hold to it. Abraham and Sarah were given a promise and when they gave up they took it into their own hands and it wasn't the blessing that God had planned. God is all powerful and i know that he has this all planned out. I will have faith and i will wait. I know that God will come through on his promise... "Our God is not a maybe God". "He will go before us and prepare our way."

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tattoos and love songs.

late at night when all the world is sleeping i stay up and think of you..
and i wish on a star.. that somewhere you are thinkin of me too
.cuz i'm dreaming of you tonight. <3

just because she comes off as strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying
and even though she acts like nothing's wrong, maybe, just maybe she's really good at lying.

i wanna be the girl you can't get over

a wise girl kisses but doesn't love
listens but doesn't believe
and leaves before she is left.
-Mayilyn Monroe

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Come sing with me dearest?

Dearest Husband,

It is you that i want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you more than a sailor loves the ocean. You are the one i can come to with my silly problems and i know that you will understand; you will understand that i am simply ranting. You are the one that i've waited for. There were days that i thought you would never come but i held to God's promise that he would bring you to me. There were nights that i was drunk and almost gave myself away but i would see you in my mind's eye and was able to save my purity for you. In my waiting i've learned that i am capable of holding my own ground and i've met my own identity. I have learned to stand on my own feet emotionally. But no matter how independent i may be i still need you. I need you more than air because it is you that i've saved myself for. I have saved my love and i have saved my virginity for you. No one else understood me. Even my fellow christians were giving themselves away and the day came that i was the only one left to for the vampires to take up but even then i waited for you. Some nights it was not so easy but even before i had met you i knew that you would come. I even wore a token, a promise, for God and for you. I wore it on my left hand and it wasn't always so easy to explain to people. But i know that you will be here until the last breath. There will be bad days and good days and while we may have a perfect history on file now, i know that we will have our own share of fights but i can't wait because it is the trials that will make us stronger and prove to all our love.

With all my love,

No more kissing.
Kissing took a backseat in my list of morals but i am in love with him and no matter how many people i make out with it will not change the fact that i am in love with him. So i am stopping now. I just don't get a high from kissing anymore because every kiss makes me think of him. I am staying here. I am waiting. I may have to wait the rest of my life, but you can't just move on once you fall in love. He is my loml. The love of my life. I am waiting. Just sitting here waiting. I sang in the rain the other day. I was picturesque in my knee length black skirt and my sparkling loafers. The pink flowered umbrella topped of my lyrics that filled the air. But as i skipped down the sidewalk i was not only content. I was happy. When i pictured myself i could see him at my side but i was still happy in reality. One day he will come and i will dance in the rain but today i am still singing. If you ever see me standing in the rain i will be looking into the heavens because i can see his face in closed eyes. But today i am still singing. Come sing with me?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

made to fly

I was made for more than this. It's not just a passion or a desire. It is more important than air. This is who i am and i am not referring to identity. This is beyond my identity. It is beyond my destiny.
I know i sound crazy; i can hear my words and i know that they sound those of mad man but i was made to change the world.
So many people have looked at me incredulously when they hear my answer to the impossible question of what i am doing with my life. It seems that not one person sets value to the possibility that i could ever change the world.
I may not know how or when, but i know that i was meant for so much more than to simply live. Asking me to wait is like telling a wild ocean to be tame. What is this great plan that i have been given breath for? And i have been given so much more than just breath. My entire being was made for this. My body was made capable of taking any physical pain and my heart was made to feel every emotion like it was my own. Who would be given this? What task could be at hand that would take this kind of molding? My body is chiseled and trained and my heart can feel every happiness and every pain.
Sitting here waiting hurts more than anything physical and my heart aches more strongly than any emotion. When will i be given my chance? When will i be given my charge? I am ready to put my curses to work, but i don't know what they are for? I can only wait. I can only dream.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

27 dresses

27 Dresses. I haven't even wore one yet. Will i be the first or the last? will i even get to wear my own? I suppose it is not the waiting that peaks my curiousity. I just want to know if i am even waiting or not. I have done everything all wrong in the eyes of the world. I don't put myself out there, i don't take my clothes off for anyone, i am unseducible, and sometimes openly serious, I don't give a damn in the world how crazy i am, i am intimidating, and i don't care how unfeminine i look if that's how i feel. This is why i am single. but for some reason i don't care anymore. sure, it would be nice to know that someone will be there for me until the end and to know that i will have someone to cook for every night and support through the most trying times; but this is who i am and if there isn't anyone that God has picked out for me, then fine. I am confident in who i am and it doesn't matter if there isn't anyone else who finds that attractive. When i was a kid i never wanted to get married and then i fell in love and reconsidered,but now i have realized that i have to love myself before i can ever love anyone else. and if i love myself then i will be content with or without some at my side.
When a girl gets married she plans for months. Finding the perfect cake that towers above every head is just the first step. There are pastel invitations will lettering that sparkles like the stars and full 5 course meals that are fit for dieties. But the biggest dream of every girl is to wear a dress that flows like the ocean and sparkles like the groom's eye when she walks through the curtain of rose petals, as every eye is on her and the mear sight of her is enough to make his heart thump loud enough to be heard in other worlds.
I am not like every girl. I don't want matching bride maids. The dress of dreams is not white or flowering. My perfect wedding
would not include a crowd bigger than what i can fit in a mini van, and i don't want any roses or lace. Actually, if i ever get married i will probably show up in jeans and a tee- shirt and the planning would take no longer than it takes to find a court house.
So if i am doing every thing wrong than why am i so happy? I am happy because God is the love of my life. Don't get me wrong, i did fall in love once and i don't think i ever moved on. At this point it has been 14 months and one week since the day i realized that i was falling in love. but still i am learning to be happy. The past 6 months i have spent trying to move on and now i realize that i don't have to move on. When i learn to be happy with myself it will not matter if the man i am in love with loves me or someone else. Because i am in love with God i can be confident in myself and i don't need the security of someone else to be happy. So maybe one day my own dress will be worn, but right now i am happy in my own curiousity. I am happy spending my days basking in the sun and writing blogs about random, unimportant subjects. Tomorrow may be bring a new love or a new heartbreak. Tomorrow may also bring a new hobby or a new friend. Tomorrow will bring a new day and i can't wait because i know that with each day is another opportunity to change the world.

P.S. Gatsby... that's cool guy's name.

Friday, May 09, 2008

The end of the world

Hoops and i decided today that if she dies i will end up killing myself and then we could have a double wedding but between me and her both in a casket everyone there would kill themselves and it would end up resulting in the everybody comitting suicide.. being the end of the world so it is a good thing she has not been beheaded this week.... Then we decided that if i die she is going to show up in a neon colored happy shirt and a party hat and i will show up with a crown for hers..... and i will be holding a fork, but then she pointed out that sporks are way better so it will be a spork that i will be holding.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Adjusting the compass

Danny Wenger

A week ago today, my friend Ryan died. I had never lost a friend before. I wasn't sure what to say or think. I felt disoriented for days. I had to go to class, work, and fulfill other duties, but it was like my ears were ringing from an M-80 that exploded too close to my head. No matter how hard i concentrated, the ring of pain was still there. I could suppress it, but in the quiet moments when my guard went down it became deafening. Suddenly everything was somehow connected to Ryan. Like little shards of who he was were embedded everywhere i looked. I wanted to dig my heels in and push back against the flow of time. Slow the Earths revolutions with my shoulder. Such a great friend had tragically snatched from this life. How could everyone not stop and take notice? But my shoulders aren't as wide as Atlas'. The sun rose and set. The moon arched across the darkened night. The world kept turning. It was a rough week. on a cloudless morning a group of us, friends strengthened through tragedy, took a cross to the site of the accident. We spoke, we laughed and we salted the uncut grass with free flowing tears. We marked the spot where a great friend finished the story of his life, and put another chapter in our own. We moved on. I've had several professors in my stint as a college student. Some have been good and others downright deplorable. I've even gotten scholarships and recognition for my academic achievement. But last week i learned the most about life and myself. College is the last stop before we fight the dragon known as reality. We take out loans we don't have to pay back yet and manage to survive on prison-ration meals. College is also the time we orient ourselves to set our course for life. When i was a teenager, i was an active boy scout. One of the skills i learned was how to read a map and set a course with a compass. Precision is important when working with a compass. If you miscalculate your course by a few degrees it might not matter when you first start hiking, but pretty soon that degree or two you were off - a few centimeters on the compass face - can put you miles from where you need to be. Ryan set his course when he was in college. He changed his course to be friendlier and more open to people. He decided to take the path of working in what he loved and working hard to make you laugh. He made little adjustments that led to great differences. Unfortunately, he didn't get far down the path, but he gave the rest of us a good landmark to orient ourselves. You didn't have to know Ryan to understand what i'm getting at. We all have little things we can change about how we treat those around us. They aren't giant changes, just small things that can make a difference. If we make those changes now, adjust our compass for a new course, we can end up in an entirely better place than where we night be heading. Just like Ryan