Sunday, October 26, 2008

i know i'm different - don't tell me.

I get tired of the world sometimes. I get tired of having to fight for my place... I know i am different than everybody else... blue hair and piercings really are not that strange and i know i'm not the only christian girl in the world, but i do everything that i'm not supposed to do all while doing exactly what no one wants to do and still molding to every expectation. You will never find another person that has such an eclectic collection of hobbies and an odd assortment of friends. I talk to people that are considered "dangerous" and do sports that are only meant for guys. I follow every moral rule and yet i can't follow a single social rule. I am too blunt and too opinionated all while being more open minded and accepting than any person you will ever say hello to. I know i am different - this is nothing new to me, but i just wish everybody else could accept that too. .... or at least someone else could. . .. Even the guy i once thought i would marry - i'm just not his "type" : that's what he said, but i know that i'm not anyone's type. I think differently than the rest of the world and that is something that most people [especially guys] just can't understand.

I already know that i will never fit in. I understand that, but i don't know that i can honestly say that i've come to terms with it yet. I want to fit in, i really do; but i don't want it badly enough to change who i am. I like what i do and i like who i am and i know that if i change who i am i will miss the amazing plan that God has set before me. I don't know where i am going in life but i can feel it and i know that what ever my future is it was only made for somebody with the perspective that i hold

My friends are all pretty strange - they know that; but that is what has made us friends. I have my group of friends and i would do anything for them. But there is one whole that my friends will never fill, an ache that they will never stop - I am a woman, made from man and made for a man. My friends can see past my strangeness, but will i ever find a guy that can stop this ache and still see past this flaw of uniqueness? It's not like guys don't know i exist - i can feel their eyes on me. I even read the vibes they send off. The first impression i leave is always one that they are drawn to, but after that he can never get past the "im a virgin, sorry" phase. I know i'm different and i've come to deal with it, but now it seems like more of a handicap than a blessing, my differences are a turn-off to guys. There are some guys that can see past it; that will talk about me, admire me, crush on me.. .. they know me and don't mind admitting to my friends that they like me; but that's as far as it goes - they don't realize that i would give them a chance if all they do is ask.

There was a guy once - just once. He told me he loved me, even told me that i was the one... i don't know what happened to him. I thought we had something going, but he just turned out to be like everyone else - he never persued and now i'll let you know that i can't deal with that. I'm a girl and no guy will be able to catch me if he doesn't persue - that is the biggest lesson i learned from him. It seems like an easy thing to figure out, but it is something i had to learn from seeing.

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