Sunday, October 31, 2010


On this festive day i have no real theme to the post so i decided to browse through some blogs that i like and look at their blog rolls.   I found several blogs that i love and some awesome cute photos:

the designer pad  which i believe has a wicked layout.
To start:  This would be an absolute adorable abode.  Maybe a little small, but i could totally deal with that for this beauty.

design to inspire
Next on the inspiration:  I now have a real yard and it's pretty boring.  This coming spring i am going to deck it out, now i just have to find my green thumb and start some digging :)  maybe sunflowers and lots of crazy vines..... oh and some christmas lights.

design sponge
Keeping the date:  an awesome calendar that i would love to have hanging on my wall.  Defently rocking style outside of your average calendar.

brown botton
This will be my next cake.  It looks so simple and elegant.... and then you slice it and it's amazing fun :)  It makes me want to go jump water puddles.

another blog i checked out that has a pretty rocking about me page:   The painted house

ps.  one last thing before i close out this years halloween:  There was an awesome peacock dress that was returned to party city the other day because the girl that ordered off our website ordered it too small.... after ringing it up = 200 dollars!   Me and my co workers were dumb founded, but it gets better. When i went out for unofficial i saw not one but TWO girls wearing that dress out at the bar...  who spends 200 dollars on a one night costume to wear to the BAR.  Now i'm not even talking about a club or a classy bar..... im talking about a trashy bar in small southern il. ... now that is what i call crazy!

Friday, October 29, 2010

a silly person ... or 2

·      I think some people make me laugh.   Mainly the ones that think they can intimidate me or that I should be scared of something.  You can threaten me with what ever you want,  I’m not going anywhere.  I’m not a really sensitive cookie.  You can tell me I smell or tell me you think I’m ugly….. I don’t really care.  You can tell me to get out of town or tell me to stop being friends with your friend…. I don’t really care.   The whole “I’ll make you regret it”  thing – not really very scary to me.  I mean really, what would you do?  I’ve got nothing to loose, I don’t have anything to take.  Cause what ever drama you want but it’s not taking me down.  It’s not that I don’t care about anything, I just don’t have anything worth caring about.  

start of the holidays.

2 days until Halloween.  I’m pretty excited.   Last year, Will and I ended up driving around Murphysboro handing out candy after no one came by.  I think this year will probably end up very similar.  I am also excited because this means that most of the people I don’t really care for at work will no longer be in my daily dealings (since seasonal workers’ last day is Halloween)  The downfall:  I’m sure there will be someone that I do like that will also be getting the same boot (not anyone inparticular, just that I’m sure I’ll like some of the people that are seasonal)  hopefully no one too cool.

I haven’t yet decided whether or not I’m going to dress up, or what I would be.   I was Wilma today and the outfit was actually really super cute.  I might be a Wilma but I think a witch or vampire would be too cute just because it’s so cliché with the holiday.

Speaking of holidays,  Egg nog is now in season : )  that makes me beyond happy.  It is one of the main things I look forward to with the holidays, if not the only thing I REALLY  look forward to.    It is like liquid heaven. 

While I do love the holidays,  I HATE the cold.   I really really need to get a car and I should call April’s friend because she is selling a car fairly cheap and it’s a nice car (or at least from what April tells me)  This motorcycle is just not made for winter and while I’ve survived 2 winters on it, I really don’t care to go through another winter without a real car. 

Holidays here I come : )  hot cocoa, big fire places, and a handsome man is all I really need to get me through the winter.  

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What's your age again?

I don't know who people think they are that they think i should care if they like me or not......   Unless you are someone important to me, i don't give a shit if you like me or dislike or wish i would rot in hell.  I've never even met you, why would i care if you approve of me or not?  Don't expect me to change for you - you're a complete stranger to me.      Don't get me wrong, i don't mind if you give me your opinion.... go right ahead -  It gives me something to consider, but don't think i actually care if you dislike my style.

i have a li'l money.

I've gotten all my accounts in order so that i can transfer money from my work account to my personal account without having direct deposit :)  woo hoo.  and i have enough to pay my rent and all those bills and i still get paid this coming weekend.  I am finally getting comfortable again and that is always a good feeling.  Hopefully by this time next month i will also have a car in line :)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

love and hate....

I’ve been receiving an increased amount of feedback and to those of you that have emailed or texted, thankyou. The house I’ve just moved to does not have internet yet and so I have been slacking on my updates, but I think this week I will go to the effort to get to connected because I enjoy your feedback a lot.

I look at my life and I know that I am not a very exciting person. However, for some reason, there are many people who seem to disagree and that is very flattering to me. I’m not sure what I’ve done or what I write that is so entertaining to people, but it seems that there is something that catches people’s eye.

Every time I get a message I appritiate it.. even the negative feedback means something to me. I enjoy hearing that someone agrees or in the case of disagreeing – that they have read my posts and actually thought about them. When someone disagrees with my opinion it means that my opinion has given them something to think about and that is just as flattering as when they agree with me.

What is not flattering is when people read my post and it does not invoke thought or opinions or interest, Such as a comment I received the other day. I wrote a post that mentioned loosing my baby. Someone was ignorant enough to comment without knowing a thing about the situation. Their comment was clearly written in ignorance. With a goal of insulting me, they only made them selves look dumb. Their statement was that God took the baby because I would be a bad mother. I know that I do not always make the best decisions and I know that not everyone loves me, but for the most part, I treat people with respect which means that who ever wrote this clearly hates me (probably out of ignorance) and has clearly never met me. . . . Whoever wrote it in insult actually gives me satisfaction in their ignorance. (This is not necessarily a good thing as I know I should be humble, but I think it’s only a natural reaction.) I’ve written on this before, but in my time since then I’ve lost even more humility in their statement. They are obviously ignorant to write something like that in such blindness. They clearly know nothing of the situation or they would know that I would not have been the mother of that child. Also, They clearly don’t know me or the god that they wrote of or they would know that God and I are close and such a comment would not be taken to heart.
* The one thing that does make even this comment flattering is that now I know another stranger is reading this blog…… and why a complete stranger would read this and take the time to comment I have no idea. Despite the fact that they are clearly ignorant, I still find it slightly intriguing that they find me intriguing at all.
Before I had time to think about that comment I thought I knew who had written it and I did mention it in a post, I suppose I might possibly owe her an apology for assuming such a thing.

I look forward to continued feedback and want you that follow regularly to know that I appreciate your support and hope you will also continue to leave feedback. Those of you that have left criticism, I appreciate the respect you’ve given in using email. Know that I don’t mind respectful criticism in my comments and I enjoy hearing what I could do better and also what you disagree with or agree with… It gives me something to think about and I enjoy being given a different perspective on things.

I’m still not sure why anyone finds me interesting enough to follow, but I am honored that you would spend time doing so. Feel free to follow me on Twitter for smaller doses and on the spot thoughts. The name is Beemoawesome. Also, as always, emails are still appreciated at

Nov 19th – hunting season

5 months ago I didn’t think hunting would be an option this year. With season quickly approaching I am pretty stoked that I will be able to. I’m not sure how it will work with my work schedule, but I plan on attempting to take off fri and hopefully Saturday also. My dad has surgery the week before so I’m not sure if he’ll be able to shoot, but I pray that he will be able to. It just wont be the same if he can’t.

Speaking of my father… His condition worries me a whole lot. I love my dad. I am defently a daddy’s girl. He is the one that keeps me in line and the one that gives me advice. I love my dad more than any person in the world and to know that he’s hurting is more painful than anything. Hopefully this surgery will take care of everything, but even that worries me. It shouldn’t be a real big deal, but it still concerns me. 2 more weeks until his surgery. I suppose I shouldn’t worry too much because I know he will be fine.

Hopefully hell be good enough to hunt even… that would be really awesome. Hunting just wouldn’t be same without him.

Unofficial Halloween 2010

Antoine dodson meets Poison Ivy.  ps.  too bad you can't really see the glitter that i'm COVERD in
This weekend was an awesome success. My costume was a complete hit. I got a 50 dollar gift card to jimmy john’s from stix. I’m not sure if it was just cause I’m that awesome or because I had a ba costume or maybe both. It was supposed to be for the contest on sat, but the manager gave it to me on Friday. It was defently way too scandaless but it was so epic that it didn’t really matter. I hung out with Sara from work on fri and michelle on sat. they both had adorable costumes. There were actually a lot of awesome creative costumes. I was quite impressed. Even without the amazing costumes, my nights were very good. I did drink, but my evenings were not drunken at all which is the best drinking. To top it all off there were good friends. I didn’t really hang out with any of my good friends, but I did hang out with many new friends which is sometimes the best company. Overall, the weekend was a success and I enjoyed it. I also came out of it with a cool costume and an awesome holiday shirt : ) I’m stoked. Good weekend.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

let's fight

I got in my first fight last night. I was hanging out with my friend Sara. We went to stix and had a grand time. After close we headed over to her place. One of the guys that was with us had a horrid attitude but I just brushed it off. Even when he decided that he wanted to wrestle and was a total jerk about it, I brushed it off…. (though I do like to think that I held my own very well) When he finally let me go we headed up to Sara’s apt. I made a quick pit stop to the powder room and came back out in the living room to Sara and him both on their feet and standing off. I stepped in front of my petite 5 ft friend just in case they were trying to fight but i didn’t say or do anything…. I didn’t really even have a serious face on. It didn’t take but a moment and this nicely sized dude flinched towards us. It was over. I wasn’t going to wait to see if I could hold him back or if he was actually lunging to fight. I was on top of him in the matter of a second. Appearently Sara was only a blink behind me because when we had him backed against the wall I noticed sara laying on the floor under us.
This is my first fight but I was going for the kill. When we wrestled I played nice despite his unsportsmanly conduct but when I stood to block Sara I wasn’t take a chance to allow him to get to her and I went for the face. He should be glad there were people there to stop it because I wouldn’t have minded taking out his testicles if that is what the fight had gone to.
It really wasn’t too grand of a straight fight, but it was close enough for me to claim it as an experience….. but really, what kind of guy goes after a little petite girl? He would have killed Sara with one punch. He should be proud – he fought 2 girls last night. What a jerk. The great thing is that he didn’t really win either.

a spark of glitter.

I’ve finished my Poison ivy costume for the most part. Picked up glitter today and coated my costume in it. I also made a belt and an upper arm braclet. Now I all I have to do is get those green tights and the black boy shorts. I am STOKED. I think it’s going to turn out awesome. The key will be makeup/hair and glitter…. LOTS of glitter : )

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

an opening for creativity.

Today at work, I was informed that I am very creative and asked if I majored in art or design….. it was the most flattering comment someone could ever make. I love design. I love art. I wish there was more I could do with it in southern il. It wasn’t even anything very creative that led to it…. Some guy was trying to be roger rabbit – the trix dude – and I was giving him ideas for yellow gloves and a a shirt… ect. But everyone seemed to think my ideas were just brilliant. I love it when I can just do what I love and it comes out as brilliant.

Speaking of creativity: I made some more buissness cards today at work and they turned out BEAUTIFULLY. This job is really coming along wonderfully. I’ve had several orders and they’ve all turned out very smoothly.

So basicly: I really just down right love creativity just like i like open-mindedness . . . maybe they go hand in hand :)

here comes halloween

Halloween costumes are a funny thing. Every one of them are overpriced, cheap, overused characters. It’s taken me a while to figure out what I actually want to be. First I wanted to be BA but then realized that it’s not much different from my regular attire. Then I wanted to be Tank girl but I realized that outfit isn’t that hot unless I can find a camo bra. Then I realzed: we’ve had a dozen people, at least, come into party city looking for a poision ivy costume. Most girls will not make their costume if they can’t find it and I know that there are not very many ivy costumes floating around….. I want to be something origional and I don’t mind making one, so I am going to be ivy. I bought some ivy today and glued the leaves to a black bra I have that I don’t really ever wear. We have green tights at work that I’m gonna pick up. I don’t know what I’m going to do for bottoms… I might wear a black pair of boy shorts if I can’t find anything green but I don’t think it would look near as good. They do have green volleyball shorts at dicks but they’re 24 bucks and I don’t know that it’s worth that. . . now all I really need is glitter and MAYBE a green mask. I know we have both of those at Party city. I’m pretty stoked. It’s a quite scandless costume, but at least that is part of the costume and not something I’ve made it into. I’m going to be showing way to much skin, but I don’t really mind too much anymore….. I lost all of my morals when I lost everything that makes up my life. Either way – it’s going to be origional and still look awesome. I’m pretty excited about that. I think the key will be GLITTER. : ) and since I love that too I’ll be good. Hopefully I can pull this off with out looking too trampy.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

traiangled shaped heart.

No body wants to be in a triangle when it comes to relationships. No one wants to believe that there is any one else involved with the other person.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A dieing life.

What do you live for after you loose everything? What holds you to your morals after you have no self respect left? When you realize that every ounce of hope is lost what will push you forward?

I think i'm going to start chasing worldly pleasure because true happiness doesn't exist in my world anymore.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

growing into prostitution.

Have you ever wondered how a whore becomes a whore or how a stripper gets her first job? I imagine sometimes they are raised by someone of like character and ahead of the rest of the world in losing inhibitions. I imagine some are more like me, starting out once very innocent. I grew up as a great kid. I followed all the big rules… didn’t drink, smoke, cuss, or lie. I was 21 when I lost my virginity and when I got drunk for the first time. I was good person all around. I didn’t lie, steal, or cheat and my biggest wrong was getting my lip pierced. Then I made friends who were less cautious and I gave my heart to someone who wouldn’t guard it as their own. That was the final point… I lost my own self respect and self worth when I lost my heart and after that nothing really mattered. I imagine a stripper starts out as a drunk patron dancing on the bar before she gets offered a job. Prostitution would be easier. I would imagine it starts out with lost emotions and the search for someone to share a bed. Eventually they would reject someone and I could see someone making a second attempt as a bribery. Or maybe a casual conversation joking about the idea and then, when word gets out, people decide they agree. Once you’ve lost your self respect and self worth there’s not much holding you back from something like that. I used to think something like that was an all time low….i still think so but now it’s almost a pitty or empathy and sympathy. I doubt I would ever look down on someone for something like that anymore because I’ve felt the numbness that is required for such a thing and it’s an emptiness that could be hidden as ba toughness but is really just pain. I imagine that being a whore isn’t as hard as I once thought and yet maybe emotionally unbearable….. then again, maybe they enjoy it.

painting my front door.

The Carpets are matted with years of use and abuse by past college residents. The floorboards creek with the stress of my wait and the living room is slanted towards the middle of the room. Character of the last occupant shows through the layer of paint on the door and I’m not really sure what they were attempting to paint over. The other attempt to décor scars the walls in the form of many many little holes that have been left long after the nails have been removed. The shower consist of 3 plastics walls that have been cocked together. It’s perfect. It’s just what my creative edge has been screaming for. I love it. It’s nothing that a little bit of artistic withdraw will not fix. A few curtains will dress the windows and the walls are nothing that a few pictures will not distract from. An area rug will camoflage the slanting floors and over used carpet. The kitchen will be a castle after a few Christmas lights kiss the window and with a vanity and a paper lantern the size of the bed room will be better defined better as modest and less as cramped. The biggest challege is going to be the front porch which hangs on the house as a blank canvas. Laying on top of a white painted foundation and remaining as a skeleton with a few 2x4s making up the frame fencing, the porch is going to be the hardest task. Winter coming, planting is not really an option to soften the hard border between the porch and the yard. A hammok would make the porch a place to be a bit more welcomed to, but the cold white bricks would still need something to befriend. The back yard is nearly the size of a large living room but the trees bordering it keep it from the coldness that the front yard holds on to. It’s an old house, but it is a beautiful challenge and I like it. I think I’ll call it mine.

a friend or two

I’m a huge fan of meeting new people and making new friends. However, since I’ve been out of school I’ve not had any real opportunities to do so. Party City has given me more aquatiences. I love it. There are a lot of employees and most of the are similar in age so I can actually make friends. I suppose it’s defently a good thing too because my entire life is a hell hole right now and it’s nice to have a good time and relax…. Though last night I might have had too good of a time, I’m not really sure – I just don’t remember.

Friday, October 15, 2010

no apology here.

I read a post the other day at inkrebels about blogging and one of the points was to stop apologizing. I’m not big on saying sorry…. I just don’t really care if people are offended by something I write. This is my blog about my feelings and inspirations and experiences and life in general. I will write what I want and I think people that don’t like it should just stay away from it. If I hurt someone than things are a little different, but if they’re just offended then they should toughen up. This has always been my output and I’ve written many a times about my passionate expression. I can’t say I haven’t caused any upturns or offended prides because of this blog, but I don’t really care. I don’t go around burning people and so I’ve done nothing that should offend people. If someone disagrees with my opinion it should only strengthen what they already believe. As for talking about people….. well the first sentence started out talking about someone – the writer of inkrebels. . . It’s something you can’t avoid if you talk about anything at all. I try to avoid bashing anyone too hard directly but I do have day to day experience and sometime I like to share with you, my readers, about my life experiences. If someone doesn’t care for the world to know something (outside of my intimate life) than they shouldn’t say it. There are some exceptions (such as other people’s intimate life that they share with me in confidence) but out side of intimacy or personal secrets I am an open book – I’ve always taken pride in that. So within my own life, people shouldn’t expect me to avoid the experiences, that they’ve brought into my life, as a topic here. I will not apologize for that.

Moving on from apologies….i am sorry for…. No I’m jk. I’m not really.

Ps. My next big project is a design piece (no surprise there. Lol) but this time I am really put some time and effort to make it good as it’s going to be the basis for the portfolio. If you have any suggestions or requests let me know because I’m really not sure where I’m going to start with the inspiration of this one.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

google find: beauty

This is my next photoshop goal.

Tank girl

Another halloween costume idea:  Tank girl.  My boss suggested it and so i found some awesome pictures on google.
It's still very similar to laura croft tomb raider....

Adrenaline junkie

"It seems that I have caught a disease that has no cure. There is a name for those inflicted, Adrenaline Junkies."(1)  Athletics, motorcycles, parties, long hours, it's all part of the search for adrenaline. It's a need that can't be satisfied. It's what allures people to activities such as skydiving or even sex. It's an addiction as strong as any other drug and any junkie is left wondering "what is going to give me my next fix?"(2)

"I want to PLAY! I want to scale mountains, surf the maverick, kiteboard Hood River, fastpack the Pacific Crest Trail, run a R2R2R2R in the Grand Canyon. I want to try boxing, learn to be an aerialist, hang glide, go caving in South America, take a Parkour class. I crave adventure. I am in constant awe of what our bodies are capable of doing and discouraged by the static repetition we sometimes keep in ourselves that hold us back from taking risks and challenging ourselves to be BETTER. And so, I am in a constant search for adventure. New, exciting endeavors that push me out of my comfort zone and teach me something along the way. This world is my playground. I believe I am capable of anything. This blog is about my adventures (and misadventures) and the things I learn from them. About myself, my fears, my goals, my body...and all the people and places in between." (3)

Adrenaline junkie is a colloquial term used to describe someone who is addicted to thrilling and fear-inducing situations. The act of conquering fear creates a rush of endorphins that is simultaneously energizing and relaxing. This natural high leads adrenaline junkies to seek out ever-bigger thrills and excitement.
Some adrenaline junkies place themselves into dangerous situations. Others prefer to know that they are physically safe, but pit themselves against obstacles that make them feel unsafe. Halloween events and roller coasters particularly appeal to adrenaline junkies. (4)

Are you an adernaline junkie?

pay me right.

This morning i found an enovelope on my bedside table and while i got excited at the prospect of a love letter, i was a little disappointed to find my pay from the bar. Who ever thought that i would be dissapointed at finding a nice chunk of money.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

funi thing.

Life is so funny. I look at where i've been and where i want to be and where i am. Things change so much and yet nothing really means anything. The only life we have is what we make of the one we've made. The relationships i had a year ago are so different than the relationships i have now. The friends i thought would never leave are gone and the people who are still here for me were met by happenstance. Everything from my house to my friends to my job were never foreseen and i know that there is no predicting where life will be in another year, little lone 10 or 15 or 50. There's no telling what kind of person i'll be when i'm 100.... and i don't even want to live that long.

Life is so funny. The way we expect our life to turn out a certain way and the way we think we will want the same things forever. Im a different person from a year ago or especially from two years ago. . . I only wonder who i'll be next year or even 6 months from now. I know there will be pain and i know there will be joy. I've lost my innocence in life and that is something i will never have again, but i wonder what effect those lessons will have on the rest of my life. What kind of mistakes will i make? What kind of lessons will i learn? Will there ever be another love? will i achieve my ambitions? will i be great or will i remain just a footprint in the sand? I know from my past and my present that my future is unforeseeable. I only pray it will be good. All i can do is pray that i will be wise. whether by hardship or by grace i can only pray that my life ends with wisdom. everything up until that moment.... it doesn't really matter.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Easy A.

Jacqui and I saw the preview for this movie a few weeks ago and last night checked it off our to do list. First off, the movies are now 9 dollars fri-sun after 12 no matter if you’re a student, a senior, or a 7 yr old. However, during the week every movie is now 5 bucks. So we chose last night, a Monday, to go observe the biggest BA chick in show biz right now.
Appearently Easy A is 7th in the box office right now and I can see why. With Amanda Bynes in it there has to be a humorous factor. The main actress (who I cant remember her name) is freaking my hero. It’s the same girl from Zombie land and several other well endowed movies. She does just as good a job in this movie. Shes a freaking amazing nerd, but that’s part of what makes her so awesome. In this movie she defently has a pretty awesome wardrobe. More than her clothes,, I love her “screw you” mentality. It defently pulls everything together. It’s not even a BA attitude but a “this is who I am” but she doesn’t just screw people over. She really is a good person despite her hard exterior.

I like to think that I am somewhat like her. Obviously the world around us does effect us despite our shell and the walls we’ve built but it’s not an effect that changes who we really are but who we’re not. People think that they know me. Whether it’s because of something I did or didn’t do, people take everything and stretch it or assume things that aren’t true. I was in a similar spot in HS> half the kids thought I was a goody goody who didn’t do anything wrong and the other half thought I was a pot head lesbo. Neither were right. Lol. Kind of like this movie, I didn’t really care. Think what you want because this is who I am. Unlike her, it wasn’t the talk of the school and it didn’t really effect my day to day life so I just didn’t worry about it. Now that I’m outta high school people still act that way. They still assume what kind of person I am and most the time they don’t care to find out what kind of person I really am. That’s fine, I don’t really care who they really are either. The difference is that I don’t care at all who they are and they do care to know who the world thinks I am (but not who I really am).
It’s ok. I like who I am. I don’t really need their approval (even if it does feel good) I like this movie and her “screw the world” attitude because I can relate. That’s normally what people like about stories. On top of that, the movie was just plain amazingly executed.

This girl…. I have to get her name because she is my top 3 favorite actors/celebs. Which is saying something because I don’t care much for famous people – their lives just don’t effect me.

Easy A = 5 stars.

Thursday, October 07, 2010


not quite the song, but WAY cooler.  found these on an awesome blog (can't remember which one.) I don't know how much these chopsticks and holder run, but i would pay a few extra more for them.  talk about epic cool!

beer brewing

Ps.  i'm pretty stoked.   Night before last i finally brewed some home made beer.

Ben H appearently does this quite often and allowed me to assist this time.  It really isn't a very difficult process if you know what you're doing (which he seems to)  I'm excited just to be able to say that i brewed beer :)  It's something every college kid should do just as part of the drinking experience, but i don't think very many people actually ever attempt it.   It's just another thing i can say i've done.... speaking of, sky diving is still on my list.  Hopefully my friends will follow through and let me go with them sometime when they go.  

At least i can say i've brewed beer.  Now we just have to let it sit for a couple weeks to ferment and then we will see how it turned out.  . . . 

Cheers to good beer and good friends.

decision of you.

I think most people realize that we decide who we are and we are going to be.   What we don't realize is that it's not just making a conscious decision but also living it out.  It's not just saying "i want to be person x"  but then we have to actually go out and work at being that kind of person.  It's not just a one day effort but an effort that you have to put forth until you actually become that person.  I can't say that i want to be more creative and then just go sleep.  I have to work everyday to make my brain think and i have to consciously think to look around and see things outside of the box. It's kind of the whole "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade"  . . . it's not something you just want to do, but if you look at life as half full long enough than you will actually start to believe it.   There are TONS of self help books and most of them start with telling yourself something until you believe it.  Tell yourself your amazing every day, eventually you will believe it.  It's something you have to do every day or maybe even 1000 x a day.  but if you hear something enough you will start to believe it.   Deciding who you are going to be is the same thing.  If you make the decision to be kinder and make the decision to actually do it, eventually it will happen.  The problem is that we let what the rest of the world is telling us get in our way.  We get tired of putting up the fight and become who they tell us we are.

I've been through a lot over the past 6 months and for a while i forgot who i was.  I was going through things that a lot of people go through but A LOT of people never have to deal with.  I was going through life and death situations and it was hard to remember who i was because there was so much going on that i forgot to remember myself.    There were a lot of aspects of me that are so solid and embedded in me that i didn't loose sight of those parts of me.   But i did forget what i want in life because i was so caught up with a life more important than my own.  I also forgot the stuborness and individuality that swaps my every being.... it was all part of what was going on.  Now things have began to calm down and that tough "ill respect myself when the rest of the world doesn't" type of girl is back.  

I've been hurt and i've lost the most important thing in the world to me, but it's ok because now that i've lost everything i have everything to gain.  So far, everything is looking up.  If i'm not carefull i could mess this up again, but right now i've got real work potiential in front of me.  I've got time for my friends.  I've got a great 'work on' house.    I'm not letting anything mess these things up.  The one other thing that means the world to me - i'm trying to guard myself from (it's just as dangerous as it is good)  but even that is looking up now.

So basicly, "When life throws lemons, make lemonade or just bring out the Tequila"  I know that sometimes crap happens and lemonade just isn't the drink you're feeling no matter how many lemons you have.  Once you get to the bottom the only way is up.  It sucks and no one enjoys being there, but itll be an experience that you can learn from when it's all done.

Don't give up on who you want to be.  It's not always easy to choose what kind of person you actually want to be, but in the end it's better to be who you really want to be (even if it's not the best you could be) over being who the rest of the world says you are or should be.


"We're all born equal with a right to become unequal, i'm enforcing my right" - Romit Jethwaney

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

to do list: check

I got so many arrands done today.... it was amazing.  I got copies of my house key made, prescription filled, area rug bought, license plate renewed, gas turned on.... i feel like there were a lot of things i wasn't even planning on doing that i got done.  How often do you actually get everything checked off your list?  i NEVER get more than one thing done.... but i achieved greatness today.

shout out

my shout out of the day goes to "looking at me" check it : Here

She is an absolute doll (despite the green tights from a couple posts ago) and everything she post is an adorable combo between photos and writing which both turn out beautifully.

on other note - i am hoping my Gas will be turned on today and i can start crashing at my own home :) Now, just to get that bed from my sister.
i think i will start painting today.... after i finish the rest of my to do list:
turn water over to my name.
renew my license plate
text fl wendy about my last pay check.

here's to awesome blogs and things to do.

Sunday, October 03, 2010

pull out a beer, im off work.

Since i've started working i've had no time to hang out with my friends.  At least i've been making some money, but now i'm ready to get back with my friends.  My schedule is finally starting to calm down so that i can fit other things into my life.  However, this past couple days have been a little rough.   My father is in the hospital from an infection, caused by the biopsy he recently had.   Yesterday i spent an hour trying to light the pilot on my hot water heater only to realize that the gas may not have been turned on yet.  I was so gross i really needed that shower. 

I think i'm finally going to have time to fix my new house (which is completely a blank canvas).  The floors need some new carpet but i think i can make them presentable with area rugs.  The walls are wood paneling which means i can't do much to them, but i'm not sure i would want to.  The biggest work is going to be in the bathroom where the floors are weak, the wall paneling is sketchy and the shelving is defently home made.  I doubt any of the work is very difficult and i'm stoked to get to work.