Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i'm not the only crazy fool

look at einstein or Martin luther, moses or noah. They were seen as wahck jobs. People laughed at them and critisized them. They sould have been put in an institution because of their non-conventional ways.. Now we see them and what they did and they were guinuses! Its funny how the most remarkable people have been outcasted and alienated. I want to change the world and people tell me it's silly - Noah was silly, he built an arc for a world wide flood. I want to change the world and people tell me it's not possible - moses parted the red sea. I want to change the world and people tell me i'm not accomplished enough - einstein never graduated high school. I want to change the world and people tell me i'm a college girl - Martin luther was black. I want to change the world. I want to change the world. Don't write down my name, it wount matter. But remember my passion and my love because that what will push me, that is what will drive me. I want to change the world. I will change the world. Don't forget that girl, who wouldn't listen to the rest of the world and changed the world

Sunday, October 26, 2008


I am taking a class titled "Diversity in America" My Gramps told me that Diversity is a bad thing because it only causes trouble - apparently when he was young there was no diversity and life was less complicated.
It makes me laugh. Of course Diversity is going to bring chaos - Diversity is the equivelant of differences or a range of differences and anytime there is differences there will be chaos. No one wants to be told they are wrong but they don't mind telling others when they dissagree. when you bring two people of different cultures you are garenteed to see that happen: everybody thinks everybody else is wrong. People are too close minded to understand that others think differently and that difference is not bad. When there is no diversity things are simple: If all you have in a room is WASP, men with same beliefs, and there will be nothing but tranquility. But with that placid atmosphere there will be no progress forward. If one is not pushed to think outside their box of familiarairity then they will never see the potiential this world holds achievable. With diversity we are forced to look at things in a light that wouldn't noramlly think of. We are forced to consider theories that we wouldn't ordinarilly even consider, ideas that woudn't otherwise ever cross our mind.
Yes, diversity causes problems, but are those problems all bad? Do they not push us forward and force us to go higher than we normally would? They allow us to see colors that we didn't know existed and hear tones that we couldn't have created on our own. The give us possiblities to change a world that we didn't know was there. Ignorance is bliss, Now we are forced to decide. Is that bliss worth the the things we could achieve?

funny thing - being a blogger

it's a funny thing. I'm a blogger.. i'm sure you've notice that i like to write. I write about every thing. The hues of fall float aimlessly through the autmum air. The touch of his skin brought sensations of lust running through my viens. warmth filled my lungs as the cold liqure slid effortlessly down my throat. I could feel the fibers of muscle ripping as i strained to lift it that last inch. ... I absolutely LOVE writing. I especially love writing about people. Its funny how people can live without a thought as to what life they are leading. It's funny how so many people take for granet the diversity that fills our world. I'm amazed that he would have no clue what ache he's caused.... My blog has been filled with pages of thoughts and observations and descriptions and occasionally i will post one to facebook out of pure inspiration. But when people read those i can see just how the effects of my life speed through this world. Every note i write that mentions any person and every person that i have met will allow their imagination to roam and assume that it is them my note speaks of . . . but don't let your panties get too twisted over any note of mine that you've ever assumed was about you because the chances that i've actually wrote a blog about you is about one in a million. Half the people i've written about were random strangers i passed in the store or a character in a movie, and if it was a real heartfelt and heartbroken note than ill let you know that there is really only one boy i have written about... sure i've mentioned little crushes here and there, but the majority of my notes that actually mentioned a boy were all about that same boy - maybe just in different lights, but all about the same boy. So there is no need to fret if you have ever read a note and thought it was about you.. Most likely, it wasn't about you or anybody you know.
A funny thing happened yesterday: I was talking to a girl friend about a guy that i had a crush on and out of the blue she asked me if i was still a virgin. LOL.. i told her i was and that was the silliest question coming from her and asked of me. It turns out that this boy has been reading my notes and i wrote about some boy that hurt me... he had seen me kiss this guy that we can call mike and assumed that the note was about mike. Mike is a man whore and so this guy assumed that i had slept with mike and then wrote a note about the hurt i felt. ..
I wrote a note once inspired by a movie - the note was about people and their judgements. It mentioned double standards and cliques and people's stupidity. The drama that was caused by that note was indescribable.. haha... Someone from the church commented that they felt the same way about their small group and that is where the drama started. My small group leader was bothered and talked to our assistant pastor who talked to our head pastor who talked to my sister who talked to my dad who informed me that "i had the church all riled up" hahaha lol. Soon after, my small group leader pulled me aside to have a serious conversation. ... and all over a note i wrote and someone assumed i was talking about the church when i had really just been inspired by a movie.

i know i'm different - don't tell me.

I get tired of the world sometimes. I get tired of having to fight for my place... I know i am different than everybody else... blue hair and piercings really are not that strange and i know i'm not the only christian girl in the world, but i do everything that i'm not supposed to do all while doing exactly what no one wants to do and still molding to every expectation. You will never find another person that has such an eclectic collection of hobbies and an odd assortment of friends. I talk to people that are considered "dangerous" and do sports that are only meant for guys. I follow every moral rule and yet i can't follow a single social rule. I am too blunt and too opinionated all while being more open minded and accepting than any person you will ever say hello to. I know i am different - this is nothing new to me, but i just wish everybody else could accept that too. .... or at least someone else could. . .. Even the guy i once thought i would marry - i'm just not his "type" : that's what he said, but i know that i'm not anyone's type. I think differently than the rest of the world and that is something that most people [especially guys] just can't understand.

I already know that i will never fit in. I understand that, but i don't know that i can honestly say that i've come to terms with it yet. I want to fit in, i really do; but i don't want it badly enough to change who i am. I like what i do and i like who i am and i know that if i change who i am i will miss the amazing plan that God has set before me. I don't know where i am going in life but i can feel it and i know that what ever my future is it was only made for somebody with the perspective that i hold

My friends are all pretty strange - they know that; but that is what has made us friends. I have my group of friends and i would do anything for them. But there is one whole that my friends will never fill, an ache that they will never stop - I am a woman, made from man and made for a man. My friends can see past my strangeness, but will i ever find a guy that can stop this ache and still see past this flaw of uniqueness? It's not like guys don't know i exist - i can feel their eyes on me. I even read the vibes they send off. The first impression i leave is always one that they are drawn to, but after that he can never get past the "im a virgin, sorry" phase. I know i'm different and i've come to deal with it, but now it seems like more of a handicap than a blessing, my differences are a turn-off to guys. There are some guys that can see past it; that will talk about me, admire me, crush on me.. .. they know me and don't mind admitting to my friends that they like me; but that's as far as it goes - they don't realize that i would give them a chance if all they do is ask.

There was a guy once - just once. He told me he loved me, even told me that i was the one... i don't know what happened to him. I thought we had something going, but he just turned out to be like everyone else - he never persued and now i'll let you know that i can't deal with that. I'm a girl and no guy will be able to catch me if he doesn't persue - that is the biggest lesson i learned from him. It seems like an easy thing to figure out, but it is something i had to learn from seeing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Cold winter day and it sure is cold

I want someone to snuggle up to and drink hot chocolate with. Some one that will kiss my forehead and tell me it will all be ok. I want a guy that will open my door and walk arm in arm with me down the street. Its a friday night and i'm staying in tonight. I just wish there was someone that would stay in with me. I want to wear jeans and a cute sweater and a scarf and drink some hot chocolate and watch a cute like movie or listen to some music and chill. A fire place would be nice, but i don't have one of those so the smell of cinnamion and the light of candles would safice. I just want to feel cherrished and wanted.

Today i paid off my motorcycle.

just say it's ok.

Maybe someday i'll see you again. and you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.
If ever you loved me youll say it ok.. its ok

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

1yr 3mo 13days of love

1yr 8 mo 22days since the day i fell in love
4mo 1 wk 2 days since the day by heart was broken.
All this time and i still haven't gotten over him. .. i guess sometimes it takes longer than we like; and i am sure that one day i will get over him, but right now it still hurts.
Every time i start to think that i am moving on it rains and all those rusty joints start to hurt again.
I have come to hate happy movies because every happy scene makes me remember when he was here and every sad scene reminds me how badly i can relate to the hurt.
He was such a jerk, how could i ever have liked him.. How could i still like him? I see girls with guys that are jerks and i think that is so ignorant. Why would any girl put herself through that? I don't have an answer to that, i always thought that was stupid, but now i am one of those of girls. Bear led me on, played me over, and then couldn't let go and to make things better he expected me to wait for him while he got his shit together; what if he doesn't ever get his shit together. Maybe he is shit, you can't move on from that.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

This is an imperfect world but it's all we have.

Things go wrong. Crap happens: that's my moto "Crap happens". Whether that Crap is a war against an innocent country, a murder in the hood,or a broken heart; crap happens. Once it happens there is no changing it, there is only dealing with it.
There are some things that we can prevent and there are some that we can't .. then there are the things that we think we can change but destiny has already set ahead of us. No matter, Once it has happened we can't change it, only deal with it... make the best and embrace it... Crap happens - this is an imperfect world, but it's all we have.. embrace it.

Hey Now You're a rockstar

Somebody once told me
The world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb
With her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an 'L' on her forehead

Well the years start coming
And they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and
I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart
But your head gets dumb

So much to do
So much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?

You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now, you're an allstar
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rockstar
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars can break a mold

It's a cool place
And they say it gets colder
Your bundeled up now
But wait 'til you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The water's getting warm
So you might as well swim
My world's on fire how about yours?
That's the way I like it
And I never get bored

Somebody once asked,
'Could you spare some change for gas?
I need to get myself away from this place'
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change

Friday, October 17, 2008

comfort isn't what i'm looking for

12-2, 4-6 Those are my study hours. I will spend those 4 hours writing blogs and reminising on life. Once in a arare while i will have to get up for the occasional boat rental but generally i can spend those paid hours writing messages like this one.

I am comfortable, here in so IL. I have a steady job and a network of friends and contacts and if all else fails i am only a few minutes from the family that has always been there to back me up. But i'm not satisfied being comfortable. I want more than this. There was a time that i was an extreme church going freak. I may not be quite as gung ho about going to church as i once was, but i am still in love with God and no matter how messed up my life gets i refuse to forget who the love of my life is. God is the love of my life. When God origionally told me to move to MO I was all for it cause i knew it would bring Darren and i together. Now that Mr. Bear is no longer part of my future, Branson seems like an even stranger place. But this is what i need. .. God said go and i'm gonna go. It doesn't matter what the deal is with Bear cause thats not why i'm going - i'm going cause God said to go,. He knows best and i need the move anyway because i need something more than just southern IL. So heres the plan : I'm going full time next semester: four classes and then this summer i can take my last two classes to finish my associates and then when my lease is up in aug and i can pack up my stuff and move to the city of my dreams. In feb or march [possible during spring break] i'm gonna make a trip to set up preperations such as a job and housing. So now my plans are made and i am ready. ready to take on the world.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Math Class

Its kinda funny - my last test i got a 51 and yet i now am enjoying this class more than when i was getting the highest grade - guess i just needed that challenge.

welcome to winter.

Peach/pink Burton pants and a red/black leather jacket with a black oniel beanie - i am the apitamy of a surfer or skater or snowboarder or something... lol. But i know i wasn't too cold this morning on my bike : ) ...but it was still quite chilly.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The guy i want

Sam is texting me again.. lol. I don't know what he thinks he's gonna get out of this. I think he really does want a relationship.. but i'm not sure what his expectations are and i am not sure i want to know. I am not sure i am ready... i am more ready now than i was then but i am still just not ready. I need a guy that will let me go out on my own with out him there and then, when the night is over, will come see me. I need to go out on my own, but when the night is over and i want to makeout with someone i need my man to be there.
I need someone who:
plays guitar.
goes out
loves god
doesn't make a habit of getting drunk
does drink
has smoked
doesn't smoke
loves me just the way i am
WANTS to go to my games
Wants to talk about his day
can listen to my rants
doesn't mind going to church with me
one faced: honest about who he is even to himself.
disicion maker
Wants to meet my parents
enjoys wrestling with my brother
Takes me to Levi's games
2 am skateboarding
can JUST make out

3 am

Biathalon 2008
3rd in the 16-24
11/15 overall with a run of 29.20 and a total of 144.56
It was the best ride so far.

Tonight was quite interesting. i went cruising with one of my girl friends. Hung with Tabby and we went to like 3 or 4 different parties.. lol... i smoked pot. lol. It was quite an interesting night to say the least. I dont understand how so many guys want to do me. I don't understand all the drama..... between those both things i get sick of life. I am just tired of everything right this second.

A girl passed out today at the homecoming game... and i was so proud of my mad skills - but the cop that i had to deal with was totally stupid and wouldn't listen to anything i was saying. it's cool.. what ev. it was still quite the experience..

Thursday, October 09, 2008

I think i have a crush on him.

Do you think he even knows i exist?


The flames of fate lick at the edge of my own destiny.


create a poligimous facebook group.


Sexuality will always be a part of how i express myself artistically. I don't think a woman should be afraid of her sexuality

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Will i fall in love again?

If i could fall in love again, i'd fall in love with you right now.

I don't know when you will come to me, but i know that one day you will.

Skulls and cross bones paint my nails but bows and lace clothe me. How will my armored soldier find me when he doesn't even know i exist?

What about that boy? He knows i'm cool - but could he ever see past our friendship? He's tough and rough and he can see past the makeup and fancy clothes.. whats the chance that he can see past me? He's built and determined. He's a man, not a boy...does he have the ability to love? But maybe, just maybe it'll all fall through again.