Sunday, April 26, 2009

Extreme moderate

My father always said that moderation is the key to everything. That has been my life’s motto.

In our society, the only people that fight are extremist.
Pro life V Pro choice, War V peace [that’s an ironic one because of all the fighting it causes]
I like to call myself an extreme moderate.
I refuse to tell people how to live no matter how confident I am in my beliefs, I will NOT tell someone else they have to live by my concience.

In our society, it is difficult to defend yourself as a moderate. People from both sides constantly try to persuade you, always pick-it-ing at you – how do you live through it with out a strong [extreme] argument to defend your side?

Blessing of the bikes

The sounds of thunder rumbles through the forest. But this thunder will not be followed by rain. It's the reverberating song of bikes, thousands of bikes. The sun beaming down, the White cross towering over.

Today was the blessing of the bikes. There was quite the turnout as we passed rider after rider after rider. The blissful breeze made the day perfect for a ride and now i am more pink than peach. The sun colored skin on my arms is a it more tender than i would prefer, and the ride was beautiful.

Friday, April 24, 2009


real words.

I love you.

Something about all the colors and layers and textures and putting them all together to get something that is new and fresh and uniquely you [wow, that was cliche, lol] It's kind of like Music, its an art of expression that screams to be released.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Not a break from you.

I am worn out. I am exaughsted.. I am just ready for a break..
A break from it all... I need to get away from it all. All the misinterpretation and "talks".. I am tired of constantly going and going and i am tired of having to defend myself.

I said i needed some time... That means that i need time by myself, time to do what i need to in order to figure out what i want and what i need. I need to figure out who i am before i am ready to have a boyfriend... I don't want an empty relationship so if i can't put my bf as my top priority than i shouldn't have a bf. I tried to explain to him that i just need some space, but he still tells people we are dating... I love him but in order to give what he deserves i need the time to get everything out of system and figure out if i'm actually ready for the responsibility of another person, but he doesn't understand it...Everything is just like it was before we had the talk... I want him to be my friend. I don't mind if he spends the night with me [i've done that with friends when i was single] and i don't mind hanging out with him, i just need a break from the title and the formality. I love him, but thats why i need this break.

I know he's gonna read this, i hope he doesn't..... but i'm just worn out from trying to make things sugar coated for him. I need a break. i don't want a break from him, i want a break from the title.

love sex magic.

She has such a voice..

Monday, April 20, 2009

A party of girls

The last thing on the to-do list is 50 numbers on a solid skirt. The "Bride & Co." Logo on the bottom titled the numbers that dotted that oh so short skirt.

Lets go back a few hours:
The night started at the apt. Heather and her enterouge of females had shots with titles that shouldn't be said in public and layered on party favors and fund raisers.
Covered in Candy jewlry and 'dimond' rings we headed for Keywest to Kereokee. After a few more drinks and one really off tune song we made our way to stix on the strip. The younger guys that filled this bar weren't too smart with the drinks but we got in one really too wild dance and a few too many after hours invites.
We spent a round of minutes there before the last drink calls were made and we headed back to the apt. From the few dozen people we invited over i didn't think a single one would actually accept, but when we arrived there were already half a dozen guys waiting. With my bar i made a few drinks and a round of shots as another dozen guys showed up. After glasses were filled one dude named Justin requested a walk and i abliged. At the end of the block i ran into a guy from the rec. .. There were 5 or so guys with him and they headed over to my place... The dude from the rec, Scott kept tell me how "freaking" geourgeous i am while the dude from Kereokee [will] wanted to hold my hips and the dude at the bar just wanted to share another drink with me and the guy on the coach challenged me to a push up contest [i don't even know who that guy] Heather bonked out and then left me as the only girl there. It wasn't long before Damien showed up causing the tension to go about 5 x. Everyone was talking to crap to everyone and i felt like a piece of meat as they tore each other up over me... Their empty words actually amused me. Will was probably the first one to peace out. After that the party kept going. I don't really know who any of the guys were or where they came from or how they got there. But the party was quite the talk. It was about 5 before the numbers were down below half a dozen and Damien took the charge of kicking everyone out. The popped baloons scattered the floor and empty liquor glasses covered the bar.

The next day i had several dozen text from randomness and as Heather, Stacie, and i headed to our dress fitting, the liquor in our stomaches lingered with dizziness..

It's funny to think about how much drama boys will bring when a short skirt is present, but still the night was good.

Receipt of the night:
Heather: 10 dollars from suck for a buck [from a three fingered dude]
Me: 20 dollars for a make out and 3 dollars from suck for a buck.
... She defently did her share of whoring me out. lol.
A good time: priceless

Heather's Bachelorette party is defently the highlight of the town this weekend.

This ones to Liquor, short skirts, and a wild night out.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Tomorrow will be a blog.

Hooper’s Bachelorette party is tonight! I am so excited. I spent 40 dollars on booze yesterday and my dad brought my bar table. Its been a fun time. I am so stoked.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Stupid girls

I think im starting to come around... i just need some time. When you come over all the time i see your face and that's when i begin to miss you. I still can't tell you what the issue is, but i know that im starting to miss you. Just give me time. I don't want to run to you half hearted.. I want to sprint back to you with my entire heart. So please know that i will come to you, i just need time.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

The soloist

He was born to play. The most talented musician in the city, his music was the voice of God.

How can I feel the notes so clearly and yet not be able to free them. I can feel them running through my viens, soaring to escape into the air.

ps. looks like a great movie

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

VW love

This is the car of my dreams... i like pickups and motorcycles, but this is my real dream

Do i really need you?

I need the smell of your skin and the touch of your hands. I need Your smile and your hair. The way you talk so “matter of factly” always drove me crazy, but now I miss it. It makes me so mad when you always tell me I’m wrong, but now I wish you were by my side to tell the world that they’re wrong. I miss having your warmth beside me and your arms to hold me safe. I’m strong enough to fend off any challenges, but only your arms can keep me safe from the inevitable.

With your arms around me I am invinsible. I can take on any bad guy and fight any crime. I can defeat any ambition and achieve every challenge. With your arms around me I can take on the world and win every time. With your arms I am superhuman.

I need you here… not only to make me feel beautiful, but to keep me safe.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

If you love me too.

I love you. I can’t tell you because I’ve let my heart be broken before and I don’t think it can handle it twice, but I do. I didn’t think I’d ever care for you like this, but I do. The way you ask me if I’m mad and the way you carry me even if it’s just across the room. It’s not even been a day since I’ve seen you, and already I miss your curls and the way you sit close enough that at least our knees touch.
Now I have to move on. I thought I would find some sort of freedom in being single again, but I’m not interested in checking out guys . I don’t have any lingering anger or aggravation towards you. I don’t have any ambitions that I can now fill.
I hope you’re not too hurt. I hope you don’t cry over me. I hope you don’t get too depressed and I hope you don’t miss me too much. I want to be wanted, but not at the expense of your feelings. I would rather you be happy than morning over the end of us.
I’m not about to pull out the “well lets just be friends” line because that is so cheesy and cheap and fake, but I do want to see you. … We may be over as a couple, but I still care about you and I still want to see you around once in a while. I still want to spend time with you and I still want to be a part of your life…. Maybe that is asking too much of you too soon, but if you can handle it I would like to see you again.... or better yet, just come show me that your words were not empty. I wouldn't mind having you around. We maybe over, but that doesn't mean it has to be - I still want to love you.

Monday, April 06, 2009

breaking cool

Your fortune

One day I stepped on the soil of many countries with Brittany’s mom. During the plane ride I displayed the wonderful trait of charm and courtesy. One man asked if I wanted to be a flight attendant. I said “no,…… well, maybe…I’ll think about it” while away in the world I remained sociable and entertaining Me and Brittany’s mom developed a deep appreciation of the arts and music….. and then there was Laura.

Cracked pavement

Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe I’m being an emotional girl.
It doesn’t matter because I’ve set my lines according to my life not the world’s and I’m not settling.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

bigger than small

I want to show the world that you can be who ever you want to be.... I want to make it to the red carpet so that I can wear converse with my formals. I want to be a rockstar so that I can recycle and be homeless. I want to be a wife so that I can be a tomboy. I want to be a Christian so that I can befriend the hated. I want to party so that I can not drink. I want to be a mother so that I can teach someone else how to be different than the rest of the world. I want to live so that I can die. I want to live in the world so that I can be who I really am.

Live for life

How can people live like this? With no future, with no goals?
Are they blind to the fact that our lives have no point? Perhaps I just need to learn to live for myself, in the moment.

I want to touch the earth. I want to break it in my hands. I want grow something wild and unruling.
I want to sleep on pillow of blue bonnets and a blanket made of stars.
Set me free oh I pray.
Closer to heaven above and closer to love
I want to walk and not run. I want to skip and not fall. I want to look at the horizon and not see a building standin tall. I wanna be the only one for miles and miles.
Oh it sounds good to me.
As high as I can, and into the wild blue.
Set me free oh I pray.
Oh it sounds good to me.
It sounds so good to me.

Live for approximately.

Some would say to live for yourself. But I don’t really care about myself.. My entire life has been to worship God and now that I don’t have that I don’t know what else there is. I don’t have any ambitions and I don’t have any loves. Every ambition I have ever had I had for God. Every love I have ever had I had followed God to. And now I have no more songs to write, no more love to give, no more hope to spread.

Journey’s end?

Good Christians and bad Christians. What’s the difference?
My philosophy teacher told the class that I’m a good Christian.
When I am surrounded by the elderly and the righteous they judge me because of the differences between me and them.. they whisper amongst themselves of what a bad Christian I’ve been.
Who’s eyes can see me for who I am?
Who really knows my motivations and my desires?

I don’t believe in Good Christians or bad. You either love God or you don’t.

I have God’s love tattooed on my back, big bold letters brand my body.
Today those letters remind me of my past, and the lessons I’ve learned.

No body knows the truth, they don’t know the story that has shaped my life. I was proud of the promise God gave me until that promise broke every definition of who I am.

Now I don’t know what they point of life is. I’m not one to feel sorry for myself .. I have no reason to pout. Today, I stand proud of what I’ve done and what I’ve learned, but I also stand confused… There is nothing left in this world for me. The beginning is over and the end is finished and there is nothing left. I have no ambitions for the future. I have no family to live towards and no God to witness for.. The family I have is from birth and the God I loved spoke lies to me. So now I am left here with an empty shell. You would think that my life would end at the end of my journey, but now my journey is over and I’m still left here living. So what do you do when your journey is over and the path has come to an end? I’ve always seen suiside as a desperate attempt to escape pain, but I have no pain to escape… just an empty life with no reason. I am past living life to the fullest – i’ve filled my life to the top and now what do I do with it when it’s full? When the job is done? My journey is over, now where do I go?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

meet me by the truth

Curly’s experiements were not new news to me. The whispers had passed by me in conversations. “Shes fooling around with that girl” and “she wants to date this girl.” But every conversation ended with “shh, Don’t tell Beemo. She doesn’t want her to know” Or “don’t tell Curly that I told you.” The reason she didn’t want me to know her new orientation has escaped town, but the reality is that I’m not blind enough to see past the truth.
This weekend, the truth came to the surface as one girl slipped out in casual conversation about Curly’s new girl crush.
The silence that hit the room was nerve racking. The carpeted floors could echo a pin drop as the silence echoed through the room. I didn’t even give a second thought to the casual comment until the silence hit. As I looked up from the pizza that had had my attention I saw a wave as each eye glanced my direction in a cautious look. That’s when I realized that no one had realized that the past whispers where no secret to me. They were all waiting for my questions to hit them, to erupt in a flowing stream of confusion or concern. Each one of them were waiting for my devestation at having realized that my best friend had switched the other side of the fence and left me in the dark.
They didn’t even dream of foreseeing the response they got. “It’s ok guys, I already know.” Not one of them had the slightest idea how I had found out or how I could know when Curly was still doing her best to keep it a secret from me. “She doesn’t know that I do, but I already know.”
I don’t know what they wanted to say to that, but they ended up deciding to leave it with the thought that I had been a good friend, letting her think that her secret was still safe from me, not being mad or hurt.
I don’t know why she doesn’t want me to know; but the fact is that I know, and now Most of the team knows that I know. But Curly still thinks her secret is safe and as long as she thinks it is I will not give her knowledge that it’s any other way.

True story.

Lets make love in a kiss.