Tuesday, November 09, 2010

If found: reward.

I would have given you all of my heart
But there’s someone who’s torn it apart.

And he’s taken just all that I had
But if you wanna try to love again

Baby I’ll try to love again
But I know

The first cut is the deepest.
Baby I know,
The first cut is the deepest.

But when it comes to be lucky he’s first.
When it comes to loving me, he’s first.

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried

If you wanna try to love again
Wanna try

I’ll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest.
Baby I know,
The first cut is the deepest

I suppose this isn’t quite true.
I’ve loved before.
Of course, it wasn’t quite as serious as this one.

My first love was cut off quite a bit sooner than this one.

It’s true that once you love, you never forget.
You never heal.

You can sew your heart back together, but you will forever have those scars.
This time I actually gave him my entire heart so he didn’t have to tear it to pieces, he could just burry it. The problem with that is that now I have no heart at all. I do feel like he has taken the lock off the safe where he had it hidden, now if I can just find it’s hiding spot I could love again? I don’t know that I will ever find it again.

You can live without your emotional heart. You can still survive.
Emotions are what make you live – that’s what I use to believe.
Thank God I have the gift of empathy. Now I will live off of other’s emotions. I can feed off the determination that I remember having and I can survive off of the inspiration fed by the earth.

One of the biggest problems, relationship wise, with not having emotions isn’t that you can’t love – I don’t mind that part. My problem is that even intimate moments aren’t intimate. Things that are made to stir feelings are now just worldly pleasures to me. I don’t even get an adrenaline flow out of punching a guy for grabbing my butt anymore. . . I used to have such bold lines and while I still have lines, I don’t get any rush from tempting those lines. I don’t have any emotion, even I’m interested in someone. I care about life, not at all and because of that my adrenaline is low. I live off of adrenaline but now that I have no heart It takes 100000 x more danger to even touch a bit of fear or any other feeling.

There are so many things that stir emotion and are taken for granet…. Until you have no heart and therefore no emotion – then you realize all the little emotions that you used to feel.
Tattoos are now simply physical, they used to be determination
Music is now an empathy that I feed off of.
Warm beds used to make me smile and now they just remind me that I have to get to work.
Ice cream gave me a satisfaction of my child hood (it’s been almost a month since I took a bite of the ice cream sitting in my freezer…. I’ve NEVER had ice cream last that long.)
I’ve always been an adrenaline junkie, now I need it because it is strong enough to poke an emotion…. The emotion of fear. (even if it is just a poke)

I’ve now loved twice.
Twice I’ve been hurt.
At least this time, I lost my heart all together.
Now I don’t have to feel.
.... not even love
……or pain.

I will say,
The second love was deeper.
It hurt more,
But I gave more.

Dear Bear, You broke my heart. At least you gave it back. Now I have no heart at all......

Well crap, what do I do now?

Guess I’ll go ride real fast and run from the cops and graffiti my living room and maybe I’ll go donate some blood if I can fit it in.

Going skydiving….
Haven’t decided if I’m taking a parachute or not yet.

call me sometime, I’ll show you how I break into buildings.

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