Sunday, September 05, 2010

a sinners tale

"So in the end, was it worth it? How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door."

It's true. Except for the tinge of regret... I don't have regret, but subtract that tinge, this is exactly my life.

Some would question the worth of pain i've bared. I don't. I know it's worth where i'll end up. That door i can't get back in, that would be the innocence that you loose as soon as you see the world. Seeing the steps that others have walked and bearing the pain of life and knowing that you will never again be as everyone else. As for life, I used to make plans until i realized that i'd rather live than plan. Now i've quit planning because through love and pain those plans really don't mean anything. I've come past the point that everyone comes to one day. I've realized that life hurts. Loving and loosing, pain both emotionally and physically, there are some things that you can live through and some things that you can bear. Some of those experiences will suck the life out of you, they will tear your heart until the need to live is just a faint dream of the past. As long as life moves people will think that romantic love is the most pain anyone will ever meet. I've lived through a pain even deeper and i'm still breathing. I know that white horses aren't the ones the world idolizes and i know that a joyful life is only one that you yourself makes.
So was it worth it? Yes. I've come to the end of my life and i do believe it was worth it. I've been a person that most people don't think exist. Sure i've made mistakes. Some of those mistakes are the same sins that have brought me to the end of life, sucked the living out of my soul. I don't regret them. I may have lost the will to live and i may have lost the life in my soul, but i have lived. I do not have a single regret. There are some lessons that i've learned too soon and some that i should have been smart enough to figure out without a lesson. However, ive made the mistakes and now i've had the lessons and therefore i have no regrets. My life may lead to another soul of life, but right now i've come to the end of this life and i do think it was worth it.

Sometimes life hurts, sometimes its unbearable. Most people make regrets, i don't. I'm not who i expected to be at this point in life, but i have experiences and lessons learned that most people don't ever imagine having. So for this life, i'm happy with the life i've lived even if i am the cause of my own death.

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