Wednesday, September 08, 2010

forgotten unbrella

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”

 There was a time when i was in love with God. My life was perfect. I'm not going to give you some sappy story about how i was raised in a horrible home or lost my family - that's not true. I was raised with a perfect life. I was a good kid with a good family. I went to church every sunday morning, sunday night, and wednsday night. I was active in the youth group and i followed the rules. I was a good person and i could talk to God without being guilty of any horrible sins. I could rightly be self rightious. I hated it. I hated not being able to genuinly say my life was broken without God. I yearned for him and to be closer to him, but it hurt because i didn't understand what it was like to be saved out of the darkness.

God and i were close. I could hear his voice when i talked to him and I trusted him. After years of hearing his voice My heart was broken. It hurt more than anything physical, but As much as it hurt to have my heart broken, it hurt even more to be mad at God for it. Everyone tried to tell me to talk to him again. That's like telling me to love again. It's not something you just jump up and decide to do. It's a healing process. After that heart break I told God to go screw off. I could talk to him all day, but i couldn't hear him anymore. I couldn't bring myself to hear his voice after the pain it had led me to. I told him to screw off. The pain of hearing his voice again was too much for me to bear and i didn't want him around. He didn't leave. He didn't push me to hear him, but he didn't leave me. He just waited patiently me for to heal. He didn't try to comfort me. He didn't try to force his voice on me. When i reserved myself from the church he let me. No one chased me down, but they were still there. He didn't leave. He just waited patiently.

I'm still scared to listen to him again, but i know that there is no point hiding from him. In the past year my life has fallen apart with out him. I've done things that were as far from God as hell it's self. My entire life has been rightous and for once i can look at God as my savior, picking me up and not just a friend standing beside me. For once, i can love God as more than just a creator. I've always loved God. I've always worshiped him for giving me life. Now i can praise him for picking me up out of this shit i've put myself in. God doesn't give us a lifestyle just to represent him. He gives us a path to follow to save us from our own misery. I think about how screwed up i've made my life and amazing enough i still don't have a single regret. I am happy that i can relate to the world. I am happy that now, when i tell someone about Jesus, i'm not just some church bearing little girl. Now, im really am just another person who screwed up.

My parents are still going to judge me, so will everyone else. I don't really care because i'm just like everyone else - which means that God still loves me too. Who cares what i've done? God sure doesn't. If anyone else does care than that is their problem. i don't really give a crap what they think.

“God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.” Chester W. Nimitz quotes

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." ~C.S. Lewis

Hey God,
Thanks for screwing me up and letting my make a mess of my life. Now i can love you for more than just creation. Now i can truly understand your love more than i ever would have before. Thanks for giving me the time i needed to heal and for not shoving yourself on my heart.

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