Monday, September 06, 2010

Patrick Martin.

Here's the deal, i'm not feeling especially well written today. I've spent the past 3 months turning my life upside down and now ive taken a step back to look at my life.

I've spent my entire life being who i want to be. All trough my child hood i was a weird girl who wanted to be a boy. I wanted to play in the dirt and wear shirts with skate boards on them. I knew i was different than everyone else and i just wanted them to accept that, but i wasn't going to change if they didn't. I really just wanted to know why my differences where so hated.

In middle school i was confused by all the voices; teachers telling me what to write about, parents telling me how to dress, peers telling me how to act.... It was all a tornado of screaming. Everyone told me i was living all wrong, but i didn't care.

High school i learned how to tune out the world with headphones and photos. I learned how to pair skirts with jeans. I learned how to embrace my differences and to let the world judge themselves and i began to realize that the world was going to be what ever i decided to make it.

College was my turn to be who i really wanted to be. I did everything i thought was wrong. I wanted to experience life so that i could look back and know that i had decided what was right and wrong on my own and not because society told me what to think. I never did anything all that bad and i never really did anything to hurt anyone, but i did live.

I've been out of college for a year and in that year i've forgotten all about those lessons. School is supposed to equip you for your adult years, but since i've been out of school i've forgotten everything i learned when i was there. I've forgotten everything i was once so passionate about.

I am the kind of girl that tells people to go screw themselves if they don't like me because i am who i want to be and no one else is going to change that.
In my world, you can say what ever you want about me but if it's disrespectful i'm gonna cut you out of my life.
I know what kind of person i am. I am the kind of person that respects myself and demands respect from others.
I don't go around bashing people or lying about who i am.
I know i am a flawed person, but i do the best i can to keep myself in line.
If you want to make me look like a whore or villain, that's fine. I don't really care how you see me because anyone who knows me knows that i have standards and i have morals.
Anyone who knows me knows that i am compassionate to help the world anyway i can, people who don't know me can think what they want.

So here i am. I know who i am, i've just forgotten. It's time i stop letting people tell me who i am. Call me what you want. Think what you want. Don't expect me to change for you. Don't tell me how i need to act or what i need to tell people.

Here's a news break:

I'm a screwed up person.
I don't know very much, but i'm not completely dumb.
I do a lot of things i shouldn't do, but at least i will understand the world.
I DO love Jesus even if you want to judge me.

So with all of that said, Here's what i do know:
I know I love Jesus despite the crap i've done. When i was young, i followed the rules. Once i was in the world, i taught myself how to relate to people, and that is by living like the people:
It doesn't matter where you are (even what country you're in), empathy is the source of friendship and love. The main ingredient in brownies does NOT make you sound smart or make you happy. Milk will make your bones stronger. There is no place better than home. Love isn't nearly as awesome as it's cracked up to be, but it certainly isn't a regret. Drinking does help relieve stress, getting drunk does quite the opposite. rain boots are good for snow. Making out is only as good as the people partaking. Having a baby adds too many years to your life to count. poop yellow is a horrible color that old people seem to love. You don't need anyone else but him when you are in love. Regret really is unnecessary if you can learn from the mistake. There is no way to make everyone happy. Ice cream melts in the sun. The only way to be truly happy is to let go of selfish desire.

These are just a few of the lessons i've learned. Now i'm going to be who i am and tell the world to go screw themselves. :)
ps. i love you.
Lets go skydiving.

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