Thursday, October 07, 2010

decision of you.

I think most people realize that we decide who we are and we are going to be.   What we don't realize is that it's not just making a conscious decision but also living it out.  It's not just saying "i want to be person x"  but then we have to actually go out and work at being that kind of person.  It's not just a one day effort but an effort that you have to put forth until you actually become that person.  I can't say that i want to be more creative and then just go sleep.  I have to work everyday to make my brain think and i have to consciously think to look around and see things outside of the box. It's kind of the whole "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade"  . . . it's not something you just want to do, but if you look at life as half full long enough than you will actually start to believe it.   There are TONS of self help books and most of them start with telling yourself something until you believe it.  Tell yourself your amazing every day, eventually you will believe it.  It's something you have to do every day or maybe even 1000 x a day.  but if you hear something enough you will start to believe it.   Deciding who you are going to be is the same thing.  If you make the decision to be kinder and make the decision to actually do it, eventually it will happen.  The problem is that we let what the rest of the world is telling us get in our way.  We get tired of putting up the fight and become who they tell us we are.

I've been through a lot over the past 6 months and for a while i forgot who i was.  I was going through things that a lot of people go through but A LOT of people never have to deal with.  I was going through life and death situations and it was hard to remember who i was because there was so much going on that i forgot to remember myself.    There were a lot of aspects of me that are so solid and embedded in me that i didn't loose sight of those parts of me.   But i did forget what i want in life because i was so caught up with a life more important than my own.  I also forgot the stuborness and individuality that swaps my every being.... it was all part of what was going on.  Now things have began to calm down and that tough "ill respect myself when the rest of the world doesn't" type of girl is back.  

I've been hurt and i've lost the most important thing in the world to me, but it's ok because now that i've lost everything i have everything to gain.  So far, everything is looking up.  If i'm not carefull i could mess this up again, but right now i've got real work potiential in front of me.  I've got time for my friends.  I've got a great 'work on' house.    I'm not letting anything mess these things up.  The one other thing that means the world to me - i'm trying to guard myself from (it's just as dangerous as it is good)  but even that is looking up now.

So basicly, "When life throws lemons, make lemonade or just bring out the Tequila"  I know that sometimes crap happens and lemonade just isn't the drink you're feeling no matter how many lemons you have.  Once you get to the bottom the only way is up.  It sucks and no one enjoys being there, but itll be an experience that you can learn from when it's all done.

Don't give up on who you want to be.  It's not always easy to choose what kind of person you actually want to be, but in the end it's better to be who you really want to be (even if it's not the best you could be) over being who the rest of the world says you are or should be.

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