Saturday, May 10, 2008

27 dresses

27 Dresses. I haven't even wore one yet. Will i be the first or the last? will i even get to wear my own? I suppose it is not the waiting that peaks my curiousity. I just want to know if i am even waiting or not. I have done everything all wrong in the eyes of the world. I don't put myself out there, i don't take my clothes off for anyone, i am unseducible, and sometimes openly serious, I don't give a damn in the world how crazy i am, i am intimidating, and i don't care how unfeminine i look if that's how i feel. This is why i am single. but for some reason i don't care anymore. sure, it would be nice to know that someone will be there for me until the end and to know that i will have someone to cook for every night and support through the most trying times; but this is who i am and if there isn't anyone that God has picked out for me, then fine. I am confident in who i am and it doesn't matter if there isn't anyone else who finds that attractive. When i was a kid i never wanted to get married and then i fell in love and reconsidered,but now i have realized that i have to love myself before i can ever love anyone else. and if i love myself then i will be content with or without some at my side.
When a girl gets married she plans for months. Finding the perfect cake that towers above every head is just the first step. There are pastel invitations will lettering that sparkles like the stars and full 5 course meals that are fit for dieties. But the biggest dream of every girl is to wear a dress that flows like the ocean and sparkles like the groom's eye when she walks through the curtain of rose petals, as every eye is on her and the mear sight of her is enough to make his heart thump loud enough to be heard in other worlds.
I am not like every girl. I don't want matching bride maids. The dress of dreams is not white or flowering. My perfect wedding
would not include a crowd bigger than what i can fit in a mini van, and i don't want any roses or lace. Actually, if i ever get married i will probably show up in jeans and a tee- shirt and the planning would take no longer than it takes to find a court house.
So if i am doing every thing wrong than why am i so happy? I am happy because God is the love of my life. Don't get me wrong, i did fall in love once and i don't think i ever moved on. At this point it has been 14 months and one week since the day i realized that i was falling in love. but still i am learning to be happy. The past 6 months i have spent trying to move on and now i realize that i don't have to move on. When i learn to be happy with myself it will not matter if the man i am in love with loves me or someone else. Because i am in love with God i can be confident in myself and i don't need the security of someone else to be happy. So maybe one day my own dress will be worn, but right now i am happy in my own curiousity. I am happy spending my days basking in the sun and writing blogs about random, unimportant subjects. Tomorrow may be bring a new love or a new heartbreak. Tomorrow may also bring a new hobby or a new friend. Tomorrow will bring a new day and i can't wait because i know that with each day is another opportunity to change the world.

P.S. Gatsby... that's cool guy's name.

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