Friday, August 19, 2011

sunday divorce

in church sundy they talked about divorce.  And mirage.  And the vows exchanged during mirage.  They talked about how there is a vow between the husband and wife and a vow between God and them.  Now, when I was married there were never any papers signed.  However, he promised to never leave me and I knew I would never leave him and we prayed to God on that same topic.  When we were married he called me his wife (he chose those words and that promise to me) and After we separated a lady asked him where his wife was…. He sent me a text telling me about it.  I don’t know how he sees it now, but we were married in heart and soul… even when I conceived.  Biblicly and emotionally we were united.  When I walked away, it was because I was hurt but it wasn’t until I realized his heart wasn’t souly mine that I was able to cut our promise because he had already tourn it apart.  And even then it was only with God’s grace and my dad’s wisdom that I had the courage to what everyone else calls divorce.  Now, some people don’t understand the commitment of mirage and the unity that it creates.   I will never doubt it in the slightest because When two hearts become one it’s like mixing water and flour…. You can never again separate the two.  Even in divorce there are always chunks that you will never regain and scars that will never go away. 

Despite those pains, I don’t regret it.  God hates divorce, this I know.   I also know that he doesn’t forbid divorce due to adultery or if the other spouse walks away.  As much as God hates divorce and as much as that seperation hurts, I know that I learned lessons I couldn’t have learned any other way.  Those scars may never disappear, but they will fade and with out the divorce, I would have never found God again.  I would have never had a second chance at a healthy relationship or the loyalty that every married person deserves. 

I recently dated a guy.  It didn’t last very long but it felt good to have feelings again.  I’ve dated other guys since I became single but I could never feel anything no matter how badly I wanted to and I felt refreshed to have a genuine crush again and when I realized it wasn’t going to work I was glad to feel a little hurt.  It wasn’t heart renching or anything like that and I most certainly couldn’t say it was anything serious by any means, but I could FEEL! And I loved that. 

Real love is a funny thing and the pain that comes with heartbreak can defently be life threatening.  But there are multiple people that have been in critical care and came out of it just fine….

And now that I’ve survived and healed I know that it is possible to love again and even more important than that …. To be happy again.

I can’t say I’ve forgotten the pain and I can’t even say I’ve fully forgiven him or his ex to the extent that God would like, but I can say that I’ve moved on and I’m finally happy again and I can finally feel again.  I have more work when it comes to forgiving like Jesus because I still have a stirring dislike for him and I still want to punch her in the baby maker but at least I can live without thinking about them and I can smile for no reason again and I can genuinely hope that they work things out (mainly because they’re perfect together)  and now I can live.

Divorce sucks…..  that doesn’t mean that life after it has to : )

So lets live and love and go swimming for no reason. 

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