Monday, April 07, 2014

fighting my walls with the art of expression.

Before my first mirage, i was sweet and innocent. After my first mirage i realized that people do not look out for anyone but themselves. I didn't become heartless, but i certainly learned to look out for myself as far as emotions go. After my second mirage, i realized that there is no such thing as trust. There is no point in having a heart.  No matter how many walls you put up, you can not care about anyone with out taking those walls down. Even as simple as the kid in class next to you with the headache.... any care means that your wall is not solid enough.  I am in no position to be in a relationship, or to make any commitment. However, as long as i even care about the random stranger on the street, my wall is not solid enough.  My life has become a position of insecurities and it's time for that to stop.  I am young and i am healthy. I am independent and opinionated. I have way to much life left to spend it being hurt or getting hurt. I am living a life on my own and there is no reason that i should have to follow the people around me.  I will never amount to anything if i can't follow my dreams. I will never be able to follow my dreams if i don't have any dreams. Last but not least, i can not have dreams if i am concerned with the people around me.  I am pulling out another side of me. 



This is what i wrote a little over a month ago.  However,  i am starting to walk again... Not in the dating scene, but just in life.
I look at the confidence that I have started to regain, and i look like a new born dear trying to walk for the first time.  My legs shake and my steps are uneven.  I can't say that i know how to care about anyone yet, or that i even want to.. but i can see straight.
I'm still left wondering what to do with my life now.
I have a job that i love in a field that i started in 10 years ago.
I have finally started rebuilding my social life with friends.
but something just isn't there yet.  I still the miss the life i had before i let my ex-husbands take it away.














But on a happier note:  I love being able to hang out with my friends on the weekend.  I am very stoked to have the opportunity back to get dressed up and express myself a little bit.  I am slowly regaining my artistic breaths and it is like the first breath of summer, letting that flow : )

-BeeMo