Thursday, November 28, 2013

What kind of man is this?

When Steve was stone cold sober and I asked him to drive,  he said that drinking doesn't normally denture me from driving-  I should have taken the keys and went w it.  When he refused to pull the car up (because the snow is 2ft deep). I should have taken the keys and went w it.  Why is it that complete strangers seem to remember what chilvary is but my own husband can't even define romance, care, or love?  

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Survival

I know it sounds cliche, but i don't know where i would be if it weren't for my support group.  They have kept me in a straight line and they have kept me up.  The things they do, even as small as just being there, have been such a huge deal to me.  I have only been up here 8 months, and this is such a big event.  I did not expect the support that i've found.  because of them, i know i can make it through.  I know that i can survive.   I can't say that i necessarily want to survive, but because of these people behind me, i know that i will.  I know that i will be stronger and that i because of them, i will have potential and i will learn to have worth again.

The relationships i have built in the midst of this break down have grown with leaps and bounds.  The appreciation i have is uncontainable.   Maybe its God's way of telling me not to forget that he loves me.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

To Love and to be Loved.

It is the simplest and yet most impossible thing in the world.  You can love all you want, but to be loved in returned ....  ?

Just because you are not loved back does not mean you are unlovable.  It doesn't mean that you haven't tried hard enough.  It doesn't mean that you will never find it.  and it does not mean that you don't deserve love.

I've learned that no matter how desperately you plea, you can not make someone love you in return.  I don't know if you can even earn it.


No matter how much i keep telling myself that - i just can't seem to believe it.  I feel so alone and worthless.

All i want in life is to be loved.  To feel loved... That is all i want.  And yet i am so uncapable of it.  So undeserving of it.  So worthless.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Exaughsted

I look at my life and I love where I've made it.  Im in Alaska.  I have a great full time job and a great part time weekend gig. I love my dane, George, and I am really content with my awesome jeep.  Because of busting my ass,  I've saved enough to buy the scooter I've wanted since before my first bike and I have my circle.  As happy as I am,  I am so incomplete.  Giving everything won't complete you until that everything is returned.   I guess that is why the relationship with god is so important-  he is the ONLY one who is truly unconditional and can truly return everything you can give.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Jeeping

As i was updating my about me section, i realized i have yet to show you my "new" jeep.... which has been out for quite a few rides now:







Moving forward

I'm updating my about me section again.  Here is my current page:

Here's who i am:

My name is Beemo and I'm a little crazy and I sometimes take people by surprise.  I  think expression is the greatest gift of life and sometimes i think too much.

I live with three boys:

I Got married Halloween 2011.  Correction:  i eloped :)  (see, unpredictable:  i wasn't even dating the man) and it's the greatest decision I've ever made. 

with marrying me, He also got custody of my baby Charli, a min pin, and together we got George, a great dane.
Call it a family and know that i am definitely the woman of the house.

I'm still one of those girls that you look at and then look again.  Sometimes i dress like everyone else, sometimes i wear too many layers. I ride a motorcycle but i don't really ever dress for the ride.

I'm pretty random and most people don't expect anything i say or do, but after a while they stop being surprised. I don't really care... my husband definitely doesn't care.

I love:
warm whether
adrenaline
gatherings of water
Emma Stone

I strongly dislike:
pink (the color)
close mindedness
cold whether


I'm a laid back girl and definitely very simple. 
So i don't really have any goals (other than being a great wife) because id rather go with the flow of life than to tie myself down to my own personal interests.. so far this has done me pretty well.

This is basicly the summary of my life, but don't hold me to it.  

I get by with a little help from my friends

I don't understand why people think it's necessary to be so mean.   In real life or via internet.  I don't know how many comments i've gotten on this blog and they seem to think they have a right to throw insults around.
I don't delete responses unless they are too dirty or spam, even mean ones - i don't feel like it's cool to delete a response just because someone disagrees with me, but that doesn't mean people should just say what ever they want.
I'm an odd case because i don't care about what others think about me,   But people should realize that not everybody is like that.   What good is an insult doing anyway?  What is the point?  If you agree or disagree with something i say - fine, comment away... Just keep your attitude at home with yourself because it just makes you sound ignorant.

Speaking of ignorant:  I love the fact that most insults that are throw around, start out with "you need to get an education"  but the people that say that, are normally the ones that are so dumb.

That's just how i feel about it : )


Job hunting again

I am on the search for a better job again.  I loved my job because i kept thinking that if i worked hard enough, something would come of it.  The problem is i've busted my butt and they still can't see my efforts.   I can't keep up with what they want and they don't even seem to care that they are impossibly high Maintenance.
My goal is to get my Water Safety Instructor training so that i can life guard up in the good Alaska.

Speaking of Lifeguarding,  I was waitressing at my second job yesterday and there was a customer that looked just like this dude i knew back in IL.  I couldn't stop staring until he finally asked me where i was from... my response:   "YOURE FROM CARBONDALE TOO!!!!??"  So i'm in Alaska, and i am still running into people i know - weird!

And as far as my new job waitressing - I love it.  They are starting me on the bar backing schedule next week and i'm excited.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Manhood

I know a lot of people, specifically women, will disagree w me.   But I am watching a movie where they defend their women and stand up for their children.   I want that feeling of safety more than anything.  I want to feel like I'm not alone,  like I don't have to deal with this world on my own.  I want to feel safe against the world.  I want to know that I have the most important person in the world backing me up and willing to fight for me.  Tht would be a feeling worth more than anything.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Miss independent

I miss it more than anything.   I'm so tired of being responsible because no one else can be.   Tired of having to bust my balls because I have standards and goals.  Tired of it.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

We've all lost

On that last post.... Everyone has loss in their life. But this war is going come to our back yard before it ever gets better. Get ready to fight because its only going to be verbal, political meandering for so long and then it will be real.

Patriot

Define patriot. Watch revolution, jericho, red dawn. I never thought I'd see it this way.... But those are all example of patriotism. Love of a country and willing to sacrifice for it. I don't love my government, but I certainly love my state. Revolution and jericho reminded me of that patriotism. Red dawn- just watch it and you'll understand. It is the current, up to date, current on news version of them. Even as current as featuring Obama and the new Korean dude. It actually makes me pretty defensive of my freedom.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

When will the war end.

So the biggest news right now is the Boston bombing. Why someone would choose to bomb a marathon is beside me... not sure what they were trying to achieve.
Not that i would wish blood shed on anyone, but i can at least understand why someone would bomb the pentagon or the World Trade Center or terrorist that go around bombing a bunch of different spots,.... but a marathon? What is that saying to anyone? I hate our government as much as the next person, but bombing a marathon is not saying anything to the government nor the American people nor terrorist. The only thing that could possibly taken from that is that someone doesn't like athletes..... say what? What do they have against athletes? Maybe they were nerds in school and didn't like jocks. That theory doesn't work very well due to the fact that most runners are not exactly jocks... sorry to all you runners, but it is true. Runners are not NORMALLY the ones running the popular kids in High school..... maybe they came from an abnormal high school - that would make sense.

Despite their reasoning... most of us will just group this bombing in with all the other shootings and bombings in which case it is made into a statement against our government.

Our government: something i despise. It is made up of a bunch of politicians.... by politicians i don't mean the career, i mean the personality and characteristic.

Why can't our government take a step back and see that they are not leading our country and our people into anything good? When the people of this country first elected Obama i didn't think it was wise, but i understood the charisma they were in love with. Now, not only have the people of this country began to see their wrong thinking, but have began to rise up. You would think that our Government (not just our president) would see the kind of place this is becoming. You would think they could see the pain and the loneliness. You would think they could see the patriotism coming out. You would think they would be able to see the doom that has only began.

I am not expert. But i would take a wild bet that these bombings are not going to stop. They are not going to die down. They are not going to be controlled. Laws are not going to hold them back. The people that are behind everything, even if fed by different motives, are inspired by the same despair that is feeding everyday Americans.. The government is not strengthening this country but they are certainly angering it.

It is only a matter of time before the people of this country are at war with government that is trying to control it.
It is only a matter of time before the people that see all of this wrong will be able to make a stand.

The horror that is covering this country is not going to stop until someone overthrows the government that ruling us.

Our government that says they are protecting us is only enslaving us. It is only a matter of time before the "slaves" rebel and our people take this country back.


*photo borrowed from unknown

Flying

Dec 26:

The thing I love most about flying : the opportunities that open.... I dnt know how many awesome people I've met while flying. Garnet, sometimes I end up next to some old person that doesn't really have any desire to talk, but most the time I end up next to some one pretty cool... If not awesome. This flight I ended up next to someone born and raised In the town that I am moving too.... How awesome and helpful is that? Learning new things and making new friends already. Yay:) wish me luck. T minus 2 hours until arrival in my new home. Score for awesomeness

Ps. Saw George In the last transition... I think he's cold :( Can't wait to get him home ad warm.

Coffee blog


Drinking black coffee is like Doing shots of rail liquor.... It takes a bit of discontentration and tastes horrid.... But you know you need it so you just bear it..

Christian blues at beast feast.

Bear, moose, Alaskan saloman are just a few of the meats to go with the amazing blues here today

Big kid jobs

As i've mentioned before, I got a job at Everts Air. It was long after that, i got promoted to HR clerk and through that, HR assistant. Its been part time HR and part time reception. Starting next week i will be full time HR assistant. I never thought i would have so much to look forward to in a big kid gig. After all that i went through growing up with school and not wanting to go through school and everyone thinking that i need to go through school i am more proud of the fact that i've gotten where i am without a degree than the actual job by itself.

My mother is finally proud of me... I'm married, working a real job, and on my own...... Shes just proud that i'm not some failure which is what she was expecting... Thx mom, thx.

But with all of that aside. I think big kid jobs are a little over rated.... It is just like high school all over again. The only way to move up is to please the right people. If you don't make it a goal of your job to please them you will never make it. I told my husband this yesterday followed by "OMG I"M TURNING INTO A POLITICIAN!!!" I guess i can now see where politicians are created. The only way to make it anywhere is to please the right people and say the right thing..... guess i'm a politician.

As much as i like the money and like being able to get along with the people i converse with every day, I pray this doesn't carry over into my real life. I am making it a serious decision every day to stay real to myself despite my job.

Summary... I love my job (kind of). I love the fact that i've, once again, proven the world wrong and moved up without having to go to school. I love the money i'm making. I do NOT want the necessities of a work force to shape who i am as a person.

wish me luck because i am too free spirited to live in a box and i don't know how that will work with my work force (I'm hoping if i stay long enough i will earn the freedom to live like myself.
Good luck : )

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Hhheytyhhh , Vday.

Never been fan. Don't ever want to support by makin it something . While everyone else feels pretty today, I will feel pretty next month when I'm the only one getting flowers. Still yet, a "hey let's do this because I want to remind you....." Anything (flower dinner or a comment on the wine we had) would have been nice. Yes I hate the holiday, no I dnt hate him. Thx.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

New job

I got a job as a part time receptionist at everts, at the airport. Love it. I love the fact that I don't work w my husband but we work in the same building : ) And its actually worth the money to work. Always a plus

Up all night

I can't stay up all night.... But speaking of, the show is the bomb. Last episode, Reagan was cheating on her brother with his ex wife ( going to ballet class w her). ... That's how I feel w my husband half the time. I cheat on him w myself. I don't know how many times I've told him I was w a girl friend because I wanted to hangout by myself. At least twice I've went to my parents house to sleep and told him I was staying at a girlfriends... Sometimes I just need to relax and not worry about what he wants..... Now I don't have anywhere to stay if I want to get away from him.... True story or not. But we're going to work on that :)

Way Togo

I'm ok with the fact that I had no utter idea my husband was about to propose to me when we ate dinner at a casual resteraunt after "dating" for less than a week.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Facebook diet

I need to lay off a little.... Too much political bill crap... It all gets my panties bunched up and blood pressure too high... I hate out government, but it doesn't have to ruin my day :)

God supports freedom

My father made a very good point the other day in favor of gun rights. Every time gods people start to achieve, the devil will step in. Of course there would be a shooting at the same time the gun rights are being fought for.

God has always demonstrated his love for his people and that we deserve freedom. I believe he would want us to fight for it just as those in The past have.

The government has become to much of a god. They have overstayed their welcome because we let them and now they've taken from us more than we ever dreamed of giving them.... Our rights, our decisions, our freedom, our beliefs.

I want my own life back.

An unexceptable experience: tsa.

Christmas travels are over, and tsa is on a road not home. I always been a critic against tsa, but even I doubted some of the horrid stories I heard about tsa. I assumed the stories were one sided and biased, probably even exaggerated or made up. After my run in with these "professional" guards, I've realized they're not guarding our freedom for us, but from us. When I chose to opt out of their scanners (and I gave them a health reason an not the real reason) I had to tell them multiple times before they began to listen as well as harass me for "not just going the easy route". When I told them I was opting out no matter what, I was the. Informed by an older gentleman that " it was ok, they like wen people prefere physical touch". Being stresses about my move across the country, I was already in a fragile state.... Imagine If I had a bad past or had been physically hurt, what that comment could have done to me.. And while I'm normally pretty tough, I hadn't seen my husband in over a month, I was officially leaving my parents for the first real time, I am a young twenties lady, traveling by myself and already nervous about opting out.

When a lady carrying a baby walked past I was told she didn't have to go through because she had a baby.... Right after they had just chewed me out about how safe it is. If it is so safe, why can't she go through with the baby? .... Yeah, that's what I thought.

While I know a lot of people had have worst experiences wih tsa, I now believe every bad story I hear about them. They are uneducated and unprofessional. I was already a critic, but now, I am officially and Anti advocate. The next time I fly, I will go to every extent to make their job as difficult as possible without doing anything wrong. I will never again be so easy the next time they choose me to harass. I've got my army boots on and I'm ready.