Tuesday, August 31, 2010

pls help find.


Check out more at : 9gag

Dear Diary

I've had a lot of people that are like "why would you use a blog for a diary when everyone can read it?!?!" Today, i figured out why:



I don't want to sit around writing to an inanimate object.

dear diary,
Oh sh*t. I have nothing to tell you that you actually care about because your just a book of paper that no one will read.... i wont even read you again. You will give me no feed back and if i do manage to write something good, no one will get to appreciate it.
ps. I don't have anything to tell you anyway...

xoxox
beemo.


But no seriously, If i post an entry in my private blog, at least i know it wont fall into my brother's hands.... It's locked up tight on some web blog that is managed by some old dude over in Asia or something. If someone does read it, they're not gonna know who Lisa malu is and if they think it's funny that I'm actually a secret agent - then cool, they can't do anything with it. and then when i post something that it's so private and i just want it in writing for the record, well anyone can see it and then they can tell me how silly i am that i want to live in a house made of peanut butter.

Just saying: I have a couple diaries laying around somewhere... i don't know where, i don't even know if they're still in my possession, i certainly don't remember what i wrote in them.



ps. shout out to natalie who rocks youtube check it out: communitychannel

check out my channel at : Channel Beemo

Random me.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Shout out to spaz.

I would like to make fun of Spaz now that his pet turtle has a facebook page, but i guess after the drama my sister makes on fb i suppose i'll let spaz slide. 
The fact that someone made a page for their Car... yes car, as in their mode of transportation....  is even more funny.  


I just think it's awesome that he even owns a turtle that big. 

- shout out to spaz and that turtle.



Saturday, August 28, 2010

to do list: body shot

I don't know that i'm daring enough to actually do a body shot, but it's on my to do list anyway.   
I feel like I haven't even been in an atmosphere where the opportunity was present.  


While i have nothing against the idea, how does it actually happen "hey dude, come do a body shot off of me!!"  I mean, Even if someone suggested it i would be like  "?"    



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

hapily something after.

I've committed the rest of my life to Will.  I don't care if he marries me or not.  I don't care if he commits or not, i've chosen my life partner.

Now i just have to figure out to take care of myself until he comes around, even if it takes the rest of my life.

I don't want to work all the time and i don't want to have to be tough.  I want to be responsible for keeping the house clean or taking care of the kids.  I want to lay in bed next to the man i love and listen to him vent about his hard day at work.  I want him to rub my back when my hormones are dumb and i cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to stress about Weather i'm putting in enough hours or if i need to find another job.  I want to work, but only for my pleasure and for the extra cash, not because my life depends on it.

I am tired of trying to survive on my own, i want someone to take care of me so that i can take care of them.

I want a family.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

flikr find: boots

Cowboy boots are my favorite.  Any day you feel like that casual outfit is too boring you add fun and style with cowboy boots... and on top of that they add EVERY style.... fun, class, sexy, cute, they fit just about any goal you plan to achive.  You can wear them with dress clothes or jeans or a sun dress.... anything.   They are that perfect "yeah i'm a girl next door but i'm cooler than any other girl"

 Not only do they keep your feet dry in rain or snow, but they are CUTE!  


Now I'm a HUGE fan of boots if you haven't noticed.  They are so cute and make me feel like i can conquore the world (even if they don't help me spell. haha.)  They fit every style and fit any to any type of atmosphere.  They are accepted by anyone but yet stand out and give individuality.
I love boots.  they make me happy.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

i am who?

You know, it's funny. My parents judge me. The people i grew up with judge me. The people from church judge me. The people who aren't messed up judge me. I guess that's why i'm so messed up.... i got tired of being judged and started hanging out with people who wouldn't look down at me... it just so happens that people that are messed up are the ones that wount judge you for being different or wacky.

People who are different, they're the ones who have the power to change the world. People who are wacky are the one's who create masterpieces. Those are the people who are judged and end up being messed up because of it. . . if only we could be not messed up and still be ourselves and not be judged, maybe our world we see a lot more progress at a much faster pace.

It's the people who can look at their messed up lives and turn it into what ever they want and be happy - those are the ones that i look up to. I look up to them more than people who get life right. Those are the people who don't just have the power to change the world, but actually DO change the world.

I have a messed up life. Let's see what i can make of it.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

not my husband.

Husbands should love their wives as christ loves the church - i doubt he would let the church be disgraced or alone.

... and since he's not my husband i guess it doesn't much matter if i'm disgrace or dishonored.  On that same note, i can't imagine why i would give up everything i am for someone that doesn't want to commit to me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Bird watching

Appearently the entire world is watching me.  I suppose this is my public blog and so who ever wants to watch me can.  However, when the entire "she said that he said" thing gets going i get a little frusterated.  Who gives a horse's butt what i think.  The ONLY things that i post on this blog are inspirations and well written vents.  If i don't feel like it's random enough or well written enough or thought out enough, i don't post it on here... that's what blogs with passwords and secret names are for.  
When i was in my first small group at church i posted a blog about society and the ways it drives me mad.  The small group leader read it and talked to my sister and then the dc pastor and then the church pastor.   My small group leader thought i was talking about my small group or the church..... then the entire church was in an uproar because this blog, they thought was about them.
There are days, i will write from someone else's perspective or days i will write as the devil's advocate.  Yet people choose to take it all so seriously, as if they expect to get to know me better through this blog.   There have been times in the past when guys that like me would follow this blog, as if they could get some secret from reading it.  I guess they thought i'd be posting my serious feelings for them on a public blog that is open for anyone to read.
I'm Bee Mo.   A nobody from the middle of no where.  The fact that people read this blog, i suppose that is flattering.  It's more flattering when people i don't know send me e-mails about an entry or really want to debate something i wrote.  When people i know tell the guy next door that i posted that i want to play strip poker.... that's not so flattering because i do'nt really want to play that game at all.   Or when every guy i know reads a blog about crushes and assume that i'm talking about them and then get mad because i wount date them.... that's not so flattering because chances are that i wasn't actually talking about anyone at all but more the feeling.
My mother once told me that she had seen my facebook and was very dissapointed  and that i'd written something mean about someone on my blog.... imagine if she knew that i'd once worked at a bar or if she found out that i have went to steak n shake at 4 in the morning or that i'd slept in the same bed as a boy (even with clothes on)!  oh my goodness... heaven forrbid i grow up.
The funny thing is - i have a total of maybe a dozen pictures with a beer in them (and i'm very tame in all of them) and a picture of my tattoo.  I don't have any il tasted hobbies or comments and the only time i have written something bad about a person and mentioned them by name or defining characteristics is probably when i vent about the love of my life.  ... but my mother is just another person who uses this blog as some sort of means to keep track of me even though i am very un-trackable.

I guess it's just part of life- having stalkers and masses of groupies.  lol.  I'm not so sure what i've done to gain my audience of fans (or non-fans perhaps)  but none the less, i have people who read this and use it as their means to "knowing" me so i thought i'd just put it out there that there is way more to me than just amazing stair cases, passionate love vents, and 2nd person point of view stories.
I'm more of a "pay with cash" and "rent rooms under an allias name" sort of person.  I suppose that's why stalkers are so intreged by me and employers are through confused....

I guess it's part of something i have grown accustom to.  The part that i can't ever get over is the "well she said that" or "i read that she thought this"  oh my goodness people, grow up.  If you are offended by something i've written, that's fine but get over it.  If you think i've written something about you.... you probably shouldn't take it personally especially until you find out if i'm actually talking about you.  I don't know how many people have read something and then went to my friends or my boyfriend to disscuss it.... if you've got something to ask, just ask me.  Don't go spreading rumors or causing drama just because you're not smart enough to interpret.  
*final point:  don't try to get everyone else to interpret my blog when you're unable to do so because that will make YOU the cause of drama and imaturity.
Everyone else:  follow all you want, just be smart enough to follow the final point.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

letting go


I was going through the files on my computer today and stumbled across my wedding folder.  
Today is the day that the realization that i will never need that folder hit home.  I realized that i will never have my perfect wedding.  I will never have a wedding at all.  It's every girls dream to grow up and have a beautiful wedding, even if it's just to elope... I wount ever have that.  I'll never have the day where i feel like a truly beautiful woman.  I will never have that happily ever after.   So i deleted the file.   It's over.  I have to move on if i want to survive. 

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Swings

I never really thought of a swing inside before, but it's BRILLIANT.  Hammoks have always been my dream, but swings are way more origional.

Desire to inspire has beautiful ideas from Fliker




It'd be cool in a kids room... then you wouldn't have to 
worry about rainny days :)



It might now be as comfortable as a couch, but it sure 
adds a little bit more seating while being adorable.
The material on the seat of it is also very modern and
cheek.




This swing in the corner may not be as new of
an idea as swings, but with the cranes accenting
its top epic.

wrong way.

I went to church this morning.  It's a church that reminds me of my child hood. a southern baptist mentality of older people who want to be "young and hip".  I don't have anything against this church because they seem genuine.  However, this morning's sermon was on family.  The opening verse was gen 2:18.  Talking about how woman was made for man and man should leave his family to join his wife.  Talking about bonding together, and how woman was made perfect for man.
Will just left me.  Left me in this situation.  Now i am listening to a sermon on family.  I couldn't do it.  As the first tear escaped i tried to maintain myself, it failed and i let myself out early.  In the lobby there was a young dad cradling his newborn son.  The baby was adorable and as i tried to pull myself together the sight of love in front of me was too much for me to handle.  That was the sight i am supposed to be looking at in 6 years or so, but i wount be part of it.

Needless to say, this morning has been rough.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Because of you

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far 

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid 

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with 

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid 

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid 

Because of you
Because of you
-Kelly Clarkson. 

stalker goin down.

This is what i've become.  I wake up.  I check my email.  No messages.  I watch veronica mars and i watch some more veronica mars.  I check fb.  I check his fb (creepy, i know) sometimes i get up for lunch.  Sometimes i have an interview.  I come home and watch some more veronica mars.  check his fb again, hope for a sign.  Watch some more veronica mars. try to sleep but really i just stare at the cieling and pray.  Tomorrow, i'll wake up again.  I wish i could sleep forever but i know that that's not really an option right now.

Just like April, just like every other girl, It's hard to quit hopping.  to stop looking for a sign of hope is just as hard.  But it's over and i have to accept that.  I have to accept it fast because the depression is coming fast if i don't do something.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

jobs.jobs.jobs.

my face book status right now: got a job. had an interview. Got lost. got burnt. got another job. bartended. had another interview. got another job. set a time for another interview..... that's the summary of the past 4 days :)

The first job was at a hooka bar. I was supposed to start monday.
Monday i went to a bartending interview. They asked me to stay and work so i didn't make it to the hooka place. After bartending i told him i wanted to work biker night on tue.. so i stayed at the bosses spare bedroom and worked tue night too. I ended up leaving at 11 because there were 2 of us and it was pretty slow. Made it home about 3am.

Today (wed) I had an interview at 9 am (boy was i pooped) at wendy's ... they offered me the job. ..
.. They even gave me a name tag!

Now i have an interview with aldi's.
When it's all done with i'll probably go with Aldi's because of the pay and the benefits.
I love bartending, but this bar really isn't very stable yet and between needing money and some other circumstances - i need stable.

So that's the update on the work field. Hopefully by this time next week i'll have a set job and an apt:)