Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My life in a candlestick

I look back on my life the past 21 years and it amazes me all the different lifestyles I’ve led.

Over all of them I still love Jesus. I wish I loved him a little more. I really pray his ravage my life, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen within the next year.
I’ve already blogged about the way I grew up…. It’s kind of funny cause I work at a liquor store now and they are always like “you’ve NEVER done that” and “Your first make out was just a year ago” what! … I grew up in a good family and in a good town. I was the “rebel” that everyone thought would end up ruined before 10 grade… but all the way through highschool and up through my soph year of college I NEVER did anything I wasn’t supposed to. I mean, I broke all the social regulation, but I didn’t drink or cuss or do drugs or drive too fast or have sex (or even make out for that matter). The most horrid thing I had done was hang out in my math teachers class during science or tell my pe teacher that I hated running and disagree with his theory.

When I first lost my innocence (and I’m not talking about the V card) I lost it for a good reason – I wanted to know everything about the world so that I could relate and understand. That’s always been my goal in life. I’m not going to judge someone when I’ve never been where they’re at…. And that’s really where everything went crazy. I asked God to give me temptation. I know that sounds funny, but I was tired of being able to say no to everything. I was tired of looking at myself and having a good reason to be self righteous . I wanted to understand what people ment when they said they “needed” god or that they were so unworthy….. my only problem was that God actually listened to that prayer. He gave me an undying desire to know the world. I tasted my first acholic beverage (outside of an African beer) when I was 20 and then not long after that I made out for the first. . . Unofficial st pattricks day 2009 I went to steak N shake and got plastered.

I like to think that I still love Jesus, but with the lifestyle that I’ve taken on in the past year I’m not so sure that my actions mirror that feeling. I want to be a moral person, but I’m tire of trying for the other christian’s acceptance. I’m tire of being the one that is so different because I have too many piercings and blue hair and secular friends. I’m tired of them trying to use the “god told me” line to get me to do what they want. I love Jesus and everything he’s done for me, but I’m tired of being rejected for who I am.

So anyway… back to my life story. Wait, I really don’t have an ending to this story. I guess my point is that I know that I’m different than everyone else, but I’m having trouble balancing who I want to be and who I want to be for God and being accepted by the rest of the world (not socially, just personally…. Cause you can’t be a witness if people don’t want to hear what you have to say)
And speaking of them listening: I’ve had several REALLY good conversations in the past month with people about life in general (the conversations where they actually WANT to hear what I have to say)…. And sure, it normally involved drinking before, but you’d be surprised how serious people can get after drinking…
..
but anyway… that was a long blog about about pretty much no point…
just realized that I was having serious blog withdraws.

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