Monday, November 30, 2009

No engagement

Sat. Will informed me that he's not ready to get married... he says i'm perfect, but he's scared. So i gave him steak N. shake [the good kind] and i've moved in a ton of stuff, no he says he's not ready.
He was the one that asked me to marry him.
He was the one that called me his wife.
he said we were already married, the papers just weren't finished.....

now he says hes not ready to get married. How do you do that someone.... what about after we are officially married, what happens if he gets scared then?? Is he going to divorce me just cause he gets scared?

I'm scared.
I'm TERRIFIED!
Should i just leave him just because i'm scared???
I hope not, but that's the message he's sending me.

Sure, i want him to be sure before we get married, but he's the one that said there's no doubt in his mind that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..... that sounds pretty sure to me.

So he doesn't want to hurt me, little late for that. I took down every wall and every doubt and every insecurity and threw them away for him - then he does this. How could this NOT hurt?? i'm not sure how he's rationalizing this.

He knows that he's hurt my heart. He knows that he wants to marry me.... and yet he's letting his fears control his decisions... i'm not sure that i want to marry someone that's going to let their fears override someone else's feelings.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I love you.

all i want you do is hold me close and tell me that it will be ok.

Friday, November 27, 2009

another chapter of that book

The rules to dating:
I can get any guy anywhere, anytime. .. But that’s really not saying much, I am a girl. I could walk up to any guy and ask him to bed and he is NOT going to turn me down unless he’s in love with someone. But it’s even beyond just getting a guy into bed. I can make him fall in love with me. I’ve written this entire book on how make a relationship work. Some of it is from a girls perspective and some of it is pointed to guys. Some of it is how to protect your heart and other chapters are how to love unconditionally. When it comes to dating, there are so many things that could go wrong.. . but when you are talking about simple instincts, things get much better. Not every girl has perfect boobs or a nice round rear end. Some girls are somewhat physically challenged and some are anything but beautiful. But those are not the things that capture a guys heart…. Those things make it easier to catch his eye, but even the ugliest girl has the power to captivate his soul. We’ve always been taught that guys are visual, and they are. It’s not the color of her eyes or the size of her waist that he is drawn to. Physically, it’s the way she treats her body: does she put thought into her everyday clothes? Does she put time into her hair and makeup? Guys aren’t attracted to the round butt, they’re attracted to the well fitting pants that accent it. Guys aren’t attracted to the big boobs, they’re drawn to the bra that is holding them. Guys aren’t looking at nice teeth, they’re looking at teeth that have been taken care of. Physically, guys only think they are judging her body; they are actually looking at how she maintains it. A girl that takes care of her body and holds it with confedience in her own world has already made herself beautiful. But even those looks that she makes will only get her foot in the door – it’s only the first impression. After the looks, she has to maintain her thoughts. A girl who doesn’t trust herself or education herself, will not be confedient or smart. . . but if she does, she will set herself apart and draw in the man who is allowed into her presence.
Beyond that, it is being confedient in herself enough to make her own world.. A girl that can be whoever she wants without the dictation of the rest of the world will dumbfound any guy and that is what will capture his heart – not knowing, and not being able to judge her like he does every other girl, that will stop his breath.
It’s always played out to be something difficult, but a girls with her own show is a girl with everything she wants.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Happy birthday Katie

Today is my soon to be sis-in-law's 18th.... no more crime making for her

Monday, November 02, 2009

A meimor of my first post.

I looked back at some of my first post and realize just how much i've changed...
When i scan through other blogs i never find anything interesting, most of them are one post that the writer forgot about and let the weeds grow... When i look back through my own i know there are a few branches of time i seemed to hate writing, but i'm glad that i always came back because it is the first post that reminds me where i've come from...

Snowy has been gone, i got another chinnchilla that didn't last very long.
TP got a boyfriend and forgot about me - we don't talk anymore.
Cerrin and i still talk, but only once every couple months or so.
Hooper is still my face book wife and one of my bestfriends... though now she is married and moved to FL.

As for me: i'm still coaching a swim team, now the swim school director. I am no longer teaching, instead i've taken up bartending... i put in hours at the old rome in murphy and the cellar in cdale... I am still taking up random new hobbies and still more eclectic than any vintage shop. I'm engaged now... and not to Mr. Bear, i don't talk to him anymore. I've moved three times since my first blog and now live in a house on the most happening corner of Carbondale but am planning on moving once more once i'm married, this time to Murphysboro. I don't powerlifter or play rugby anymore and i haven't seriously skateboarded since Darren and TP.

I never would have imagined so much could ever change... My life isn't even close to the same life i was living then. But i suppose i'm still here and while no one really knows the truth, they all still think i'm happy.

Most important of all... the one thing that hasn't changed is that i still love God and i still want to change the world

Halloween 09 with Ashleynichole