Sunday, May 17, 2009

The words i have for him.

Words aren't hard to come by. The average college graduate posses 75,000 words in their library of vocabulary. But hardest phrase to express are three of the smallest, simplest words. Those three words fight against my lips.

I care For Brian more than anything in the world. I want to love him. ... I want so badly to love him more than i have ever loved anyone....


Once upon a time i loved a boy and I gave him my entire heart and the rest goes like this:

Because of you:
Kelly Clarkson:

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you


There are three simple words that would express the way i feel for my lover. Yet because of one stupid boy i can't let them escape my mouth.
It's not fear that's holding me back... Brian loves me and i know he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me, he would never break my heart. I am scared to death that i will break his heart and that does have some relation to why i can't tell him how much i care for him, but even that isn't enough to put bars on my words.
Once upon a time i fell in love with a boy and then i promised myself i would never let that happen again. I swore to myself that i would never fall in love again. Now i am living with a desire to tell Brian how i feel... that i really do love him, but i can't. Because of what i promised myself too long ago i can't escape the curse i put upon myself.

I do love him and i want to spend a really long time with him but i just can't get past that promise that i made to myself.

Three simple words.
Three of the simplest words in my vocabulary.
Those three simple words have the ability to put the way i care for him into words.

... and why can't i tell him?

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