Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ellen Degenerous

I don't know if Ellen is classified as a comedian or not, but she makes me laugh harder than any comedian i've EVER seen. She is for sure my hero.

Today i made a dress

It's purple and green and blue plaid. Strapless and bunches on the side.
I'm sure some girls with black nails will say it looks like a pillow case.
but i don't care. It's mine.

My bookmark bar is filled with a translator and facebook and myspace.
I should travel the world because i know that no matter where i go ...
i'll wake up. wake up. and i'll know there's a party tonight.

I know some girls say i need to be a girl.
Other nights its that punk that judges me.
The boy next me is saying i look hot.
But he's just wishing
cause I'm not about to waste my time getting used.

Some guy is gonna buy me a drink. . .
He thinks it's helping him along.
But he doesn't realize
he won't realize.

Every night i go out.
Every night they look at me.
She thinks she knows me.
He thinks he wants me.

Every night I'm someone
but every night no one will recognize me
because yesterday is not today
and I'm not the same.

No. no. I'm not the same.
I'm the same me.
But tonight is not yesterday.
and i'm not everybody else.


It's purple and green and blue plaid. Strapless and bunches on the side.
I'm sure some girls with fake hair will say it looks like a pillow case.
but i don't care. It's mine

Officially moved.

I have a porch and a real kitchen! Two weeks until my birthday so i'm having a new apt party on that day : ) I can't wait to put up a hammok and a grill.


Welcome summer.

xoxx

Monday, May 25, 2009

that rose is my insult.

Why would he do something like that?
I know he likes me, but i've made it VERY clear that i have a boyfriend.
.. He's making it impossible for me to be his friend.

Today he left me a rose on my door step: a cute gesture, and i'm still flattered.
That flattery is insulting to me.

If he likes me so much he'll pack up his stuff and step out of my life.
I thought we could be friends, but now i see that he can't do that.
I have a boyfriend and i'm not one of those girls.
I'm not the kind of girl to go chasing every boy that looks at me.

It doesn't matter how much he likes me.
It doesn't matter how charming he is.
I have a boyfriend and i find it insulting that he would chase me around like i'm going to respond.

Those girls that can't keep their pants zipped up: thats horrible.... i'm not them.
So while he's so concerned with chasing me; he's only giving me temptations that i'm not interested in.

I wanted to be his friend so badly, but he's not making it easy.
I can't be his friend if its going to put me in a bad position.
I can't be his friend if its going to compromise my integrity.
I wanted to be his friend so badly, but now i see that that's impossible.

When i am a year older:

2.5 more weeks:
I want my next birthday to be picturesque.


Go to a photo booth.
eat ice cream
buy a drink
skateboard
sit at a picknik table.
take lots of pictures
go for a random walk down the street
have people over
play my music way too loud
dance like nobody's watching
make out
ride my bicycle

loving you isn't easy

I know i'm being silly.
I know there's no point in holding back my love.

But can't you see it's not what i know.
It has nothing to do with all my silly ignorance...

My heart just has a stronger will than my head...

You say i'm being silly - thanks a lot for reminding me..
It may seem silly to you, but i still cry myself to sleep on lonely nights.

You want me to love again, but my heart may not be ready for that.

In three weeks it will have been an entire year since the day my heart was crushed.
An entire year - you say that's way to long to hurt.
But anyone who has truly loved knows that heart break never really heals.

You want me to give you my heart, but you never saw the look on his face.
You never heard the tone in his voice...
and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER felt the pain of my heart.

So before you go pressuring me to throw around silly little words maybe you should understand that my entire life was pulled to shreds when he said i love you and then left me to melt. .. It was more than just hurt feelings, it was worst than death itself.

So before you think you understand and before you call it silly maybe you should know that the world could have flooded with all the tears i gave for him.

Moving this week.

My lease is up Friday and i'm praying for the apt across the street : it has a porch!!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I don't know that i even have my crap together.

Mr. Radio is a cool dude.. He opens the door and he has a real job and just put down on a house and knows what he’s doing in life, but I don’t know that he’ll respect my lines. He doesn’t seem to care that I have a boyfriend. He’s constantly trying to get a kiss and he even cuddled with me last night – Is he just trying to rip my lover and me apart? Does he know what that would do to me?

As cool as Mr. Radio is, he’s not worth Brian. I’m not the kind of girl to date someone but hold back in case something better comes along. If I’m with someone I’m going to be with them… No looking for something else to come along. Which means that It doesn’t matter how much I like Mr. Radio I’m not going to just drop Brian and move on to the next boy. I’m not the type of girl to dump one boy for another.

I don’t know where things are going with Brian and I. He says he’s not going to even think about getting married or having kids until he’s 26. I’m not going to date him for 6 years. After 1 [maaaaybe 2] years there’s either going to be a ring on the finger or he’s gone. But Mr. radio is ready. He’s got his crap together. He’s stable enough to support a family.
• Brian says that I’m asking to much to ask him to hold up to that… says I shouldn’t be asking him to grow up so young… says that he thinks he’s grown up even though he can’t support himself.
• I say that Mr. radio has his crap together. He’s grown up. He’s supporting himself. He’s ready to take care of a family..
• I’m not asking Brian to fulfill any of those requirements, but there is someone pursing me that does fill them.
So for right now I am with Brian. .. But his line is short and the end has already been foretold.
I love Brian. I haven’t told him yet. . . I thought I was ready to, but I think I will wait because I don’t want to be responsible for a broken heart and if the end is sooner than I thought I don’t want to give him false security.
I love Brian.. but Im not sure that that is enough.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

blue hair may be hot

My hairs done!!! :

It turned out really well... though my hair is 100000 X more brittle... but at least it looks amazing.

But that's not what i'm talking about today.
I went to Key west with Will last night. . His friend asked me if i like Will and i told him that it didn't matter because i already have a boyfriend.
Well Will is very persistant. On the Rugby night he crossed my lines which should be enough to ditch him right there, but Brian did too and yet he's still my BF. But I've made it very clear that i'm taken and yet he still asks for a kiss and while it doesn't bother me too much because i'm hard headed enough to resist, it does bother me a little because i feel like if i did give it to him it wouldn't bother him.
If a taken guy gave me a kiss i would feel horrible; even more horrible if i had been the one to ask for it.. I'm not one to stir the waters. If a guy is happy with his girl, i will be the last to mess that up and even more so if i actually liked him.

So while Will seems like a totally cool guy, i don't know that i will be able to hang out with him. I suppose it would be ok if we are in a group, but none of this picking me up stuff and DEFINTLY NO ONE ON ONE... I don't trust him enough and i don't trust myself enough to hang out with him by myself. Not that i don't think i could handle the temptation, but i don't even want to risk it because i'm in love with Brian and i'm not about to be unfaithful to him and and Will is my friend so i'm not about to lead him on or give him false hope.

Moving right along: today's my first day at Wal-mart Wellness center so i'm gonna peace out and go get ready.

P.s. Rats rock my world

Friday, May 22, 2009

color me blue

I'm dying my hair again...
every time is a new experience.

This is the first time i used peroxide instead of bleach and woah!
I took the plastic off and my hair was whiter than the notebook paper i copy my notes onto...
... i hope my hair doesn't fall out : )

Now the blue is in and i still have 5 more minutes to wait...
This last 5 is the hardest because i'm so ready to be me again.






Thursday, May 21, 2009

I need him

Last post today: i PROMISE!
I just can't get him off mind, can't get him outta my head.

I called him this evening so that i could tell him i love him, but then i chickened out - it just sounded cheezy.

Dear Brian

I may not have been able to tell you yet, but it doesn't change the way i feel.
I love you.

I've been scared of something, unable to let go of the past.
Unable to let go of a promise that i made to myself because of a stupid story.

My last post said it all.. now i can let go because he's just another picture to burn.
I don't need him and if he decides to come back around he'll see that he's too late

I haven't told you yet, but that doesn't change anything.
I love you.

I don't know how things will work out in the end, but it doesn't matter.
I love you.

Dear Bear.

Picture to burn:
State the obvious
I didn’t get my perfect fantasy
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That’s you won't mind if I say
By the way

I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

There's no time for tears
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends.
And if you come around
Saying sorry to me
My daddy’s gonna show you how sorry you'll be

'Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

And if you're missing me
You better keep it to yourself
Cuz coming back around here
Would be bad for your health

'Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
In case you haven’t heard

I really really hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn

Steriods

It is one of the most talked about subjects outside of the major contraversies [such as abortion or gay marriage]. I think we should just let it be... sure throw in a drug test here and there, but if they're smart enough to get away with it than let them be...
I don't do anything and i still beat the guys that do roids which just goes to prove that someone who is all natural can still beat someone who has assistance.
As for the common joe - who do people think they are that they can pass judgment on pro athletes?
I was talking to a dude in the gym yesterday and he was telling me that there is no way that Lance and Phelps are not on any roids... wow, i wanted to laugh. Who is he? REaaally? How would he even have a guess... just because they are breaking unimaginable records does NOT mean they have to be taking enhancement drugs. I broke the world record for bench by 20 pounds [unbelievable] but that doesn't mean that i'm on anything- in fact i could swear anything on it that i'm not doing anything.... i personally KNOW that i am not doing anything, but i know that some people will judge me just because i broke a great record.
Who do these amatures think they are that they have a right to pass judgement?

.. sry, just a major eurk that this guy hit on yesterday and i thought i would pass the insight on to you : )

tell me, do you think i love him.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

high off your sent.

I miss the smell of your skin and the sound of your voice. ... but i've got to stop breathing in your shirt or i'm gonna hyproventilate.

tattooed lovers


* This was Doug's background picture, i stole it from there

Tattoos are hot. I think cute girls with big tattoos are attractive - it shows they are confident enough with themselves to be drastic. I think guys with tattoos are hot.. It seems so masculine. I think two tattooed people making love is beautiful.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I love you.

I don't know if you will stumble across this, but i really hope you do.
I haven't said i love you, but i do.
I want so badly to tell you how i feel, after all you already know it's true.
I pray i will have the courage to open up to you.

Right now you're away and i miss you more than anything in the world.
I want you here.
I want the touch of your hands and the feel of your skin.
But more than that, i want your face in my hands and the comfort of your arms.
I want your voice in my ears and i want to look forward to seeing you everyday.
I miss waking up to your face and i miss arguing about little things like whether Toys R Us has full size guitars.
Right now you're away and i miss you more than anything in the world.
My feelings fight against my lips but you're not here and even if they escape it will be into empty air.

I count the day til your return.
Until then, i am missing you everyday.
I am loving you more every moment.

You may stumble across this or you may not...
but no matter whether i can tell you or not, i really do love you.

Odd jobs

I really need to be working, but pullium is broke this week... So now i'm putting myself up for work. I put a post on facebook saying that i will do your laundry or mow your lawn, i'll do anything you need [with obvious exceptions] I hope someone needs their bathroom cleaned.

It's 520 Am on a tuesday

I feel like the world spinning to the perfect song.
I feel good and the sun hasn't even risen yet.
It's not like one of those drunk mornings,
where i didn't go to sleep.
or a long night studying for finals.
No No. Its just a good day.

I have to breath in the morning due.
I don't need an ipod or radio,
no. no. I've got the song of the world spinning.
Spinning.
The Birds play the song of my radio.

I feel like the world's spinning to the perfect song.
I feel good and the sun hasn't risen yet.
I'ts not a dunk night or a long night of studying.
No. No. It's just a perfect day.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Travis Trit had it right.


And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neigborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?



I have to work at 530 tomorrow morning so i'm going to bed now.
The darkness hasn't even closed in, but i'm laying my head to sleep.
Good night beautiful, i'lll see you in the morning.

,.... Now if only my lover was at my side.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The words i have for him.

Words aren't hard to come by. The average college graduate posses 75,000 words in their library of vocabulary. But hardest phrase to express are three of the smallest, simplest words. Those three words fight against my lips.

I care For Brian more than anything in the world. I want to love him. ... I want so badly to love him more than i have ever loved anyone....


Once upon a time i loved a boy and I gave him my entire heart and the rest goes like this:

Because of you:
Kelly Clarkson:

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you


There are three simple words that would express the way i feel for my lover. Yet because of one stupid boy i can't let them escape my mouth.
It's not fear that's holding me back... Brian loves me and i know he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me, he would never break my heart. I am scared to death that i will break his heart and that does have some relation to why i can't tell him how much i care for him, but even that isn't enough to put bars on my words.
Once upon a time i fell in love with a boy and then i promised myself i would never let that happen again. I swore to myself that i would never fall in love again. Now i am living with a desire to tell Brian how i feel... that i really do love him, but i can't. Because of what i promised myself too long ago i can't escape the curse i put upon myself.

I do love him and i want to spend a really long time with him but i just can't get past that promise that i made to myself.

Three simple words.
Three of the simplest words in my vocabulary.
Those three simple words have the ability to put the way i care for him into words.

... and why can't i tell him?

too cute for words.



I really like daybeds. They really just look like couches, but they are so much cuter... I think i'm going to trade in my boring coach for a day bed.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

sound of the music

Today i realized just how much i love color and home.... All of the blogs i am following are either fashion or interior design. I love everything so different and i want to be every picture i see... : )

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day 4


Signs dott the streets "Honk, we survived". The finals have been cancled but some buildings actually have lights now. I can see the rec center lights from my apt and you can see the glow of the strip from several miles away. Boredom has begun to gnaw, but tomorrow i will start back to work

Monday, May 11, 2009

Day 3

Last night i had the warmth of his body to keep me safe as we went another round with out electricity. There are a very few places that have electricity restored and few that have plugged into generators. Today we will grill again and drink some beers.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Day 2

They are now saying we will have electricity back by tue at midnight. I'm kind of enjoying not having work or school. I've got bread and everybody and their brother is grilling out. . . . What else do you need? Though i will admit food is getting a little low.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Day one

Today is the first full day with out electricity. As i'm writing this the smell of liquore still lingers on my breath from last night. Yesterday people decided to use this outage as a vacation. Everywhere i looked there was someone waundering the streets and well past the curfew time my fraturnity friends were still partying hard.

Last night the entire town was dark. Not a light to be seen. Some people on the other side of town built fires and you could see the lights speckling the streets, but as i walked home the darkness enveloped the city.

Today, 10am has already struck and there is still no sound of people stirring outside. It's like a gohst town. I'm sure everybody is inside recovering from the parties last night.

They are predicting 2 - 14 days before lights can be turned on... this will be a fun 14 days.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Hurrican SO ILL


High winds beat the side of my apt and the shingles from our rooftop beat down on the cars below. This is an epic storm. When the tornado sirens go off i cant contain myself and i grab my camera. Most the damage is already done, but the wind still whips the leaves from the ground and inspires my hair. I catch 1/2 min on tape before Brian takes the role of my mother and physically carries me back inside. My anger rages like the storm outside and my words are short " i'll just wait and use my parents laundry room" the sentence is filled with bitterness. The next 15 min are spent in silence and as the storm begins to calm he reaches for his keys. I don't stop him, if he can't treat me like an equal adult than i don't care. Now i'm free to travel the streets in search of photos to capture.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Mr. Scooter



* This dude used to hang out at the pavillion with all the homeless dudes, he would always tell the others to shut up and leave me alone... funny dude really.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

ready and go.

Lets paint the town pink, and remember our chapstick.

Old loads 2009

The weekend is freaking awesome! of course, we all know that the game is never the highlight for rugby - last night was the pub crawl... I was the only girl in my team and they were all cool, but one [thumbs down for him] I posted on my private blog, but because of questionable content i'm not going to post it here... basicly the night rocked.. I had a little lot to drink and everybody's rockstar costumes were freaking rocking [the guys' theme was togas.] I had a few too many guys trying to get in my pants, but i only had to kick one of them in the wiener... and then he finally got the hint. Today is the game, i'm gonna go get them some cookies.

I Freaking love rugby