Monday, June 23, 2008

I kissed more than dating goodbye

I fell in love.... i swore to myself that i wouldn't let myself do that but i messed up. He said he loved me and everything was going well. Then things went down hill very fast. I just now realized what happened... i was writing a blog and i think i slipped and actually said his name. He must have read it and i think it all screwed something up. I thought he had heard the same thing from God that i had heard. Perhaps i got too excited and perhaps i came on too strong, but i fell in love and he said that he loved me and i had faith in God that things would work out and so i let go of my own games but now i wish i hadn't. This is the only guy i have ever fell in love with and if i ahd held on to those games i wouldn't have lost him. Now there is only one thing left to do... i have to move on.
At first it felt good to be gone of those strings that had so long held me to hope. When i first realized that i had messed up i thought i could finally move on with my love life. I don't know if i can move on. I have never fell in love but once, but now i can't move on. I've kissed dating goodbye and i will not date again until i have moved on. I have to live my own life and i don't need any guy because i know that guys are full of bull shit and i am not willing to give up my heart again.
Maybe someday i will understand; but today i don't ever want to love again. When i first loved him i didn't understand the severity of it and now i can't even feel. I suppose i am just like the little kid touching a hot stove; I never understood the heat of it until i had finally touched it and now i never want to touch it again. I am more scared of love than of marry-go-rounds or dogs. I know that i am supposed to let God lead, but i can't let go of my own games anymore; last time i let go i scared him away and i will not ever let that happen again. I will never fall in love again and i will never let my heart to love again and i will never stop rolling my own dice in the game of love because if i do any one of those i know that nothing good will come of it.
So what kind of life is this? What is the point of life if not to love? I am going to change the world. I'm not going to sit around and wait for the world to change because the rest of the world is preoccupied with gas prices.. So lets sail. I don't need any guy; i'm going to skate board in the rain and there is there is no need for boys there.

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