Monday, June 23, 2008

I kissed more than dating goodbye

I fell in love.... i swore to myself that i wouldn't let myself do that but i messed up. He said he loved me and everything was going well. Then things went down hill very fast. I just now realized what happened... i was writing a blog and i think i slipped and actually said his name. He must have read it and i think it all screwed something up. I thought he had heard the same thing from God that i had heard. Perhaps i got too excited and perhaps i came on too strong, but i fell in love and he said that he loved me and i had faith in God that things would work out and so i let go of my own games but now i wish i hadn't. This is the only guy i have ever fell in love with and if i ahd held on to those games i wouldn't have lost him. Now there is only one thing left to do... i have to move on.
At first it felt good to be gone of those strings that had so long held me to hope. When i first realized that i had messed up i thought i could finally move on with my love life. I don't know if i can move on. I have never fell in love but once, but now i can't move on. I've kissed dating goodbye and i will not date again until i have moved on. I have to live my own life and i don't need any guy because i know that guys are full of bull shit and i am not willing to give up my heart again.
Maybe someday i will understand; but today i don't ever want to love again. When i first loved him i didn't understand the severity of it and now i can't even feel. I suppose i am just like the little kid touching a hot stove; I never understood the heat of it until i had finally touched it and now i never want to touch it again. I am more scared of love than of marry-go-rounds or dogs. I know that i am supposed to let God lead, but i can't let go of my own games anymore; last time i let go i scared him away and i will not ever let that happen again. I will never fall in love again and i will never let my heart to love again and i will never stop rolling my own dice in the game of love because if i do any one of those i know that nothing good will come of it.
So what kind of life is this? What is the point of life if not to love? I am going to change the world. I'm not going to sit around and wait for the world to change because the rest of the world is preoccupied with gas prices.. So lets sail. I don't need any guy; i'm going to skate board in the rain and there is there is no need for boys there.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Rockstar

I'm unusual. I'm not typical. I might even be a rockstar.

i kissed dating goodbye II

I have never really been tempted in my purity, but more recently things have begun to turn. I suppose it is because my internal clock is ticking and i am living in the world. Just because these things are changing doesn't change my own lines or morals. So now, after all these years, i have finally hit a point that i have to watch myself; i have to get a reign on my own selfish temptations.
I have come to stumble. There is no sin in wanting a boyfriend, but there is sin in attempting to make that happen outside God's will. My friends are guys, but it is hard to make new friends when i am on the dating market. So for now i am done with dating until GOD brings me the right guy.

I've hit a new stage in life. I'm ready for adventure. I'm ready for excitement. God made me for an exciting life, not a normal one. So what am i doing sitting here? Why am i living the same life day after day?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Band.

Ryan thinks i should join a band. I would love to, but i don't want people to think that i am cool because i'm in a band; i want them to think i am cool because that is what i am.

Friday, June 20, 2008

There was a light

In the beginning there was a light that changed the world and never left it the same. It is the light that gave us each a meaning and a reason to live. It is the light that ties us together. Some have never seen it and dont believe it exist; others have seen it but can not deal with the intensity. This light, unexplainable, is the food of life; an uncontainable emotion and an unselfish desire that every person, even the most unpassionate, can not deny. Some know the source and only wonder but others can only attempt to understand. There in not one that will ever completely understand this light that we call love.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

another guy is moving in:

This was the question on a survey that i took the other day:

Have you ever made out with someone you weren't dating?
i've never made out with someone i was dating...

a guy sent me this respons:
no making out??? why not

so i couldn't leave his message unanswered:
Well the last guy i went out with was 3 and half years ago....i didn't know how to make out then.....


after this i realized that he was making a move:
well i can execpt that as an excuss. I didnt learn till i was 16. And why do u not date?

Little does he know that from his first message i got the vibe from him:
It's not that i don't date... i've gone on a few dates, but i am very particular. I don't date people that i randomly meet at bars or random guys that haven't even introduced themselves yet or pot heads or guys who don't respect women and i don't date guys that don't apprietiate my individuality or my randomness. then there is the type of person that i am... most guy find me intimidating - I have a little bit of common sense but i actually use it, a lot guys find it intimidating that i can out lift them, I have hobbies that girls aren't supposed to have [skateboarding, video games, hunting, ect..], and most guys don't find my quirkiness attractive or the way i don't give a crap if other people don't approve of me. Most guys want a girl that is willing to change who she is in order to please them but i am not willing to do that. Then there is the biggest piece of a college girl - i wear a purity ring and when i tell a guy i am not having sex with him he normally blows it off as a lie or they just hold a different interpretation of "purity" than i do. .. oh i do date, i've gone on a few dates. But i don't normally make it to a second date because of who i am.

Monday, June 02, 2008

I kissed dating goodbye.

I don't have anything against dating. I don't think there is a single thing wrong with dating.
I just don't think i am at a spot in life that i should be dating.
In the past i never even thought about dating. I have always had more guy friends than girls. I never wanted to get married. Something changed last year, i fell in love. I never foresaw it but when it actually happened it changed my life. I didn't want just anybody, i wanted him. The problem was that i couldn't have him and so i settled. Now, any guy that is nice and attractive is atuomatic potiential. The problem with this is that it is hard to be friends with a guy when you are scoping him out.. I don't need a guy until God says i need one but i got into a habbit of looking and now that he is past i still can't get past my habbit. But i am done now. If i can't date there is no reason to check guys out and so i am not going to date. Once i can be friends again with out critique i will allow myself to date but right now i have forgotten how to let God control it and we can't have that. I don't need a boyfriend. I am tired of guys hitting on me and i am tired of being tempted to cross my line so i am just through with it for now. When God thinks i am ready i will date but not until then.